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George Bush ran to the mailbox, it was spring in D.C., and he had waited his six to eight weeks for delivery on his secret package. He burned with anticipation every day waiting for his treasure to arrive, not telling a soul of it. Today was the day, it was here, the box was wrapped in white paper and on it read a return address from Revelation Ministries. He carefully opened the wrapper as not to rip the delicate white paper he deemed to be holy paper, probably blessed and cleansed by god, he thought. Lifting the lid off of the box, he nimbly pulled away the bubble wrap that contained his dear gift. He found himself popping the bubble wrap, he could not control himself as he went row by row,pop, pop, pop, pop. Then a moment of self awareness struck him, what are you doing wasting time popping these bubbles individually he thought, he threw the bubble wrap down on the sidewalk and proceeded to jump up and down on the packing material until he had decimated all the remaining bubbles. The Secret service hated this quirk of W's, the first time he was jumping on bubble wrap they thought he was under fire and serpentining to avoid a gunshot. Now it was second nature to them, the agents had to take training classes to differentiate from the sounds of popping plastic bubbles and gunfire. George then reached into the box, the first item he grabbed was a bumper sticker that read," CAUTION.... When Rapture Comes, This Vehicle Will Be Unmanned!" Bush loved that sticker and wanted one the first time he saw it, he thought how cool it would be to get sucked up into heaven and have is Limo run over a few of the non-believers. "Hell, that'll show them damned heathens!" he thought. He placed the sticker off to the side and grabbed his beacon of light, the prize which he had been waiting for, the comic book of the end days titled," Rapture Comics". He had been collecting the comic series put out by the church so he could learn all about the last days. This week's issue was,"The Whore of Babylon strikes!" Damn he loved these books, they make it so easy to learn bout' the bible. As he walked up the stairs he saw Dick Cheney, Dick looked down at the comic and asked George bluntly," George, you expanding your reading skills to a higher level?" Bush then said proudly,"Hell yeah, I am reading about a part of the bible that is probably gonna happen in 2 or 3 years." Dick then told Bush how proud he was of him to move up from Marmaduke comics to something more advanced. Dick patted him on the back and told him to go inside and take a few days off to read his book, and that he, Cheney would take care of everything like usual. Bush skipped away and then ran up the stairs, locked the door to the bedroom and fell beside the bed onto the floor and pulled a pillow up to his chest as he lay on his belly. He stared at the cover
hypnotized by it, he opened the first page.
Bush loved Revelations and stories of the apocalypse, he felt like it was his duty to try and ready god,s house so that the Rapture could come in his lifetime. It was the one thing Bush had done extremely well during his presidency. Laura Bush jiggled the door and managed to unlock it, she walked in and saw George was reading is Last Days comic book. Laura calmly and with great repose asked W if he realized that Revelations was an allegory for the Battle of the Megado fields and that it had actually taken place thousands of years ago. She told George that it was just a historical lesson on the elements to multi nation war, to be studied as a warning to the destruction that war brings. George laughed and Laura knew that she had used too many big words.
George read his comic book soaking in every word he could understand, the others he just made up meanings for, a tactic that he found useful his whole life. Laura left him in his silent study and thought about her life and what would it had been like if she actually had traveled the road not taken. That was her regret, she knew that life offered more than sluggish talk with her husband about brush needing to be cleared and weeds poppin' up in the yard. She dreamed of the days of beat poets and men dressed in black whom would seduce the English language like a goddess, words and rhythm falling off the tongue like honey, men that actually read books of substance. the young men that would come into the library and check out Faulkner, Steinbeck, and Shakespeare. Oh they would ask her out but she was too shy, and always self conscious. How a man like George became her husband had always been a mystery to everyone that knew her, but not to the rabbit that died after that drunken night in the roadhouse with an awol pilot.
George read his comic cover to cover, then got down by the toilet and started to pray. He said in his most humble tone he could muster,"Dear Jesus, I know you're a busy dude but I got a couple of requests and I think you owe me a few for all the work I have done in your name, hell I killed at least 30,000 heathen Iraqi's. About that Katrina thing I am sure if you had wanted to save those people you could have, they must not have been good Christians the way I figure. My mistake was thinkin' you was gonna perform a miracle after the storm, that's why I waited. I didn't want to step on your glory, but I figure you felt "those" people probably had it comin and needed a little sufferin to keep them humble." "Well anyway I called you today to ask for you to make the people love me again, they say I am the most hated president since Hoover. I need you to spread a little of your Jesus magic dust on me to win back the support of the people. I have to start the apocalypse so the world will be rid of the sinners, and I am having a hard time doing it now, half the party is against me too. I don't want to come off like a Hitler about this Jew thing, so you gotta try and influence them all back to the holy land so it can all start. They are your people, hell you was a Rabbi, so you know em' better than I do. So if you could do those things for me I will make sure that I give you props on it, like I did on the invasion of Iraq. We showed them heathens a thing or two, didn't we? One more thing, could you not tell Laura about this, she thinks we need to pray for peace and love and all that crap." "Well big guy, thanks and tell your old man that the W-man says hey." Bush then got up and felt relieved. He was pumped and filled with vigor , like he had been struck by some Jesus energy beam. Just then smoke wafted in and the air tempature became excruciatingly hot, Bush started to sweat, off in the distance the sounds of souls in torment could be heard screaming, but only at a whisper level. Around the corner walked in Dick Cheney,"Hey "W", Dick said smugly," I just talked with our holy father and he said that he can grant you those wishes, but it will require some more blood. You know a contract is a contract." " Also you have to unify completely with the atheistic society of China. Basically sell the soul of the U.S. to them, as yours was to the holy one." "Well hell Dick," Bush said with a great grin that went ear to ear, I am already ahead of you on that, Hu is comin back Monday to talk about China ownin' our Banks and Debt." Everything is in it's place Dick thought, and told his minion,"Good job George, you will destroy this world as we know it."
Bush thought, "And the citizens say I am a do nothing president, I'll show em', I'll show em' all!"
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Heroes and villains
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Bush sat in his private study, the dim light cast shadows about the room, some seemed to dance and move with the turn of his eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he was so bored. He tried finding pictures in the wood grain of his desk, but his A.D.D. wouldn't let him focus long enough. He wanted to call Laura up to talk to her but was tired of the constant lectures about right decisions and human life and all of her" religiosity." He just wanted to ramble about surface issues, nothing deep, he hated indepth, reflective conversation. Condi was great at just talking about material things, but she was off to her health spa gettin'' "healthified". So, he broke down and called Rove, Rummy, and Chertoff. Rove walked in, his eyes pooled up," Gee George, I am so glad you called we don't ever get to spend time together anymore like we used to." Bush told him that Rummy was on his way with Chertoff. Rove's happy girlish pluck disintegrated into sour snappiness. "What do you need these guys here for?, I am all the man.. I mean Help you need." Bush looked at him clueless to Rove's secret inner desire, the flame that burned hot like lit coal inside him. Rove had to use all his discipline to hide his love that the world would shame. Rummy came in with a gaunt Chertoff, Mike looked like he had been freebasing again, rings under his eyes, hair thinning and windblown. George asked bluntly, "Mike, are you on the snow machine again? You know, are you turning into a blow monkey again?" "No," Chertoff said with great offense to the remark," I am not on the powder if that is what you mean." Mike knew that he wasn't lying, he told them he wasn't doing the powdered form, and Bush didn't ask him if he was on crack, just blow; so he was being truthful.
"The reason I called you here today is that I have a great problem that needs to be solved, who do you guys think is the greatest superhero of all time?" Bush asked with direction towards all three men . Rummy looked at "W" with disbelief, "Are you serious George?" Bush replied,"Serious as a heart attack on a fat angry man." Just then a voice from the closet said,"I heard that! You're talking about me." The voice was Cheney's and he came out of the broom closet redfaced and sweaty. "I knew you'd backstab me you little piece of monkey spunk!"
"Now hold on there Dick, we were not speaking of you, we were about to discuss our favorite heroes." Chertoff said with a shaky demeanor that was either withdrawal, or fear. "Oh, sorry, I thought for sure you guys were talking about the 7 billion dollars of missing money from defense spending to Haliburton." Rummy then looked shocked,"There is money missing from the defense budget, and it is unaccounted for?" Cheney then looked over at Rummy, cleared his throat and said with a rapid fire delivery," There was money that got lost on paper, but it is the paper that got misplaced, when we find it we will be able to file that paper away." Rummy looked confused for a second then shook his head and said,"Hey, that is why we have a general accounting office." Everyone gave a big"Here, Here.", in agreement.
" Well back to my question, " Bush probed the group. Dick told Bush he ought to tell everyone whom his favorite hero was, Bush quickly replied that it was Captain Marvel, when Billy Batson would yell Shazam, and turn into Shazam man, or Captain Marvel it was so cool. Chertoff harumhped, "Capt. Marvel is so gay, those yellow spandex and red lightning bolt, gay gay gay. " Bush was pissed,"First off, it was a red suit, then it was yellow lightning bolt." Chertoff then said," 'W' I stand corrected, about his suit, but he is still a flamer." Bush then retorted angrily, "You would know, Mike you have Gaydar, you even said Dick was into guys." Dick looked over at Mike, Mike trembled at the ferocity of Dicks facial expression, Chertoff then thought he should have never told Bush that, now his life hangs in the balance and he had to repair this quickly. "Now dammit George, I said Rove loves Dick, not the other way around." Bush then mulled it over,"O.K., maybe but only if you say Shazam isn't gay." Chertoff agreed and could actually go the rest of his life without looking over his shoulder. Bush then asked Mike his favorite hero, Mike gave a lot of thought, then replied Reed Richards, Mr. Incredible off of the Fantastic 4. Everyone laughed," That's because he is skinny, like you." Bush snapped back. Chertoff venomously fired back and said,"Well at least he doesn't have a boy protege like Shazam! That is soooo gay!" Bush laughed, Reed Richards, he thought, Chertoff didn't know what kind of geek he was. It was Rummy's turn, without hesitation he said firmly," Nick Fury, and his Howling Commandos." Bush told Rummy that is why he is running the military. Finally it was Cheney's turn, now Dick was not to quick, he hemmed and hawed, finally he spit it out," Bat-Girl." "Bat-Girl?" Everybody responded in unison, why Bat-Girl. "Well, "Dick said with face flushed,"My wife wouldn't allow any men's magazines in the house, so I would go and buy Bat-girl comics pretending they were for my daughter, you all know the one of which I speak but dare not speak her name." The men nodded with agreement. Cheney went on to describe how he would rub one off in the bathroom to the sexy drawings of Bat-Girl. Many was the day where she was Dick's fantasy lover. "Wow, a side to you I have never seen." Rummy said.
"Hey any of you remember the actress that played Barbara Gordon aka Bat-girl on the t.v. series?" Bush questioned. "Yeah wasn't she kidnapped by some deranged stalker and kept in some weird lair for months chained up while her assailant never showed his face and hid in the shadows." Chertoff said. "Yeah that guy was some kind of sicko, she never acted again after she was released from his lair."Rummy said. Cheney then added,"Yeah, I heard profilers say that guy wasn't as sick as the media made him out to be, just misunderstood." Rummy looked irritated as if Cheney was jacking with him,"Where did you hear such a stupid report?" Cheney was angry, his face was beet red and he tried to explain that we must not judge too harshly before getting all the facts. Cheney then gave up, it was almost as impossible as trying to get Barbara Gordon to Love him. Cheney left the room in disgust and went to his car, he sat thinking back about Bat-girl, maybe I should have kidnapped Julie Newmar instead. He then slapped in Bonnie Raitt's c.d., cued it to track 4, softly Bonnie Raitt's voice started to sing "I can't make you love me if you don't." Cheney then pulled out a copy of the X-men comics out from under the seat, Jean Grey really did it for him. As he stared at the picture he was feeling electric, alive, and lusting. Bush walked out later that early evening and saw Dicks car with the windows all steamed up, then he saw Dick's hand press against the window. Bush thought Dick was waving to him so he waved back with a smile, "See ya' tomorrow Dicky boy." Cheney could not hear "W's" goodbye, he was busy tripping the light fantastic with Jean Grey.
Bush sat in his private study, the dim light cast shadows about the room, some seemed to dance and move with the turn of his eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he was so bored. He tried finding pictures in the wood grain of his desk, but his A.D.D. wouldn't let him focus long enough. He wanted to call Laura up to talk to her but was tired of the constant lectures about right decisions and human life and all of her" religiosity." He just wanted to ramble about surface issues, nothing deep, he hated indepth, reflective conversation. Condi was great at just talking about material things, but she was off to her health spa gettin'' "healthified". So, he broke down and called Rove, Rummy, and Chertoff. Rove walked in, his eyes pooled up," Gee George, I am so glad you called we don't ever get to spend time together anymore like we used to." Bush told him that Rummy was on his way with Chertoff. Rove's happy girlish pluck disintegrated into sour snappiness. "What do you need these guys here for?, I am all the man.. I mean Help you need." Bush looked at him clueless to Rove's secret inner desire, the flame that burned hot like lit coal inside him. Rove had to use all his discipline to hide his love that the world would shame. Rummy came in with a gaunt Chertoff, Mike looked like he had been freebasing again, rings under his eyes, hair thinning and windblown. George asked bluntly, "Mike, are you on the snow machine again? You know, are you turning into a blow monkey again?" "No," Chertoff said with great offense to the remark," I am not on the powder if that is what you mean." Mike knew that he wasn't lying, he told them he wasn't doing the powdered form, and Bush didn't ask him if he was on crack, just blow; so he was being truthful.
"The reason I called you here today is that I have a great problem that needs to be solved, who do you guys think is the greatest superhero of all time?" Bush asked with direction towards all three men . Rummy looked at "W" with disbelief, "Are you serious George?" Bush replied,"Serious as a heart attack on a fat angry man." Just then a voice from the closet said,"I heard that! You're talking about me." The voice was Cheney's and he came out of the broom closet redfaced and sweaty. "I knew you'd backstab me you little piece of monkey spunk!"
"Now hold on there Dick, we were not speaking of you, we were about to discuss our favorite heroes." Chertoff said with a shaky demeanor that was either withdrawal, or fear. "Oh, sorry, I thought for sure you guys were talking about the 7 billion dollars of missing money from defense spending to Haliburton." Rummy then looked shocked,"There is money missing from the defense budget, and it is unaccounted for?" Cheney then looked over at Rummy, cleared his throat and said with a rapid fire delivery," There was money that got lost on paper, but it is the paper that got misplaced, when we find it we will be able to file that paper away." Rummy looked confused for a second then shook his head and said,"Hey, that is why we have a general accounting office." Everyone gave a big"Here, Here.", in agreement.
" Well back to my question, " Bush probed the group. Dick told Bush he ought to tell everyone whom his favorite hero was, Bush quickly replied that it was Captain Marvel, when Billy Batson would yell Shazam, and turn into Shazam man, or Captain Marvel it was so cool. Chertoff harumhped, "Capt. Marvel is so gay, those yellow spandex and red lightning bolt, gay gay gay. " Bush was pissed,"First off, it was a red suit, then it was yellow lightning bolt." Chertoff then said," 'W' I stand corrected, about his suit, but he is still a flamer." Bush then retorted angrily, "You would know, Mike you have Gaydar, you even said Dick was into guys." Dick looked over at Mike, Mike trembled at the ferocity of Dicks facial expression, Chertoff then thought he should have never told Bush that, now his life hangs in the balance and he had to repair this quickly. "Now dammit George, I said Rove loves Dick, not the other way around." Bush then mulled it over,"O.K., maybe but only if you say Shazam isn't gay." Chertoff agreed and could actually go the rest of his life without looking over his shoulder. Bush then asked Mike his favorite hero, Mike gave a lot of thought, then replied Reed Richards, Mr. Incredible off of the Fantastic 4. Everyone laughed," That's because he is skinny, like you." Bush snapped back. Chertoff venomously fired back and said,"Well at least he doesn't have a boy protege like Shazam! That is soooo gay!" Bush laughed, Reed Richards, he thought, Chertoff didn't know what kind of geek he was. It was Rummy's turn, without hesitation he said firmly," Nick Fury, and his Howling Commandos." Bush told Rummy that is why he is running the military. Finally it was Cheney's turn, now Dick was not to quick, he hemmed and hawed, finally he spit it out," Bat-Girl." "Bat-Girl?" Everybody responded in unison, why Bat-Girl. "Well, "Dick said with face flushed,"My wife wouldn't allow any men's magazines in the house, so I would go and buy Bat-girl comics pretending they were for my daughter, you all know the one of which I speak but dare not speak her name." The men nodded with agreement. Cheney went on to describe how he would rub one off in the bathroom to the sexy drawings of Bat-Girl. Many was the day where she was Dick's fantasy lover. "Wow, a side to you I have never seen." Rummy said.
"Hey any of you remember the actress that played Barbara Gordon aka Bat-girl on the t.v. series?" Bush questioned. "Yeah wasn't she kidnapped by some deranged stalker and kept in some weird lair for months chained up while her assailant never showed his face and hid in the shadows." Chertoff said. "Yeah that guy was some kind of sicko, she never acted again after she was released from his lair."Rummy said. Cheney then added,"Yeah, I heard profilers say that guy wasn't as sick as the media made him out to be, just misunderstood." Rummy looked irritated as if Cheney was jacking with him,"Where did you hear such a stupid report?" Cheney was angry, his face was beet red and he tried to explain that we must not judge too harshly before getting all the facts. Cheney then gave up, it was almost as impossible as trying to get Barbara Gordon to Love him. Cheney left the room in disgust and went to his car, he sat thinking back about Bat-girl, maybe I should have kidnapped Julie Newmar instead. He then slapped in Bonnie Raitt's c.d., cued it to track 4, softly Bonnie Raitt's voice started to sing "I can't make you love me if you don't." Cheney then pulled out a copy of the X-men comics out from under the seat, Jean Grey really did it for him. As he stared at the picture he was feeling electric, alive, and lusting. Bush walked out later that early evening and saw Dicks car with the windows all steamed up, then he saw Dick's hand press against the window. Bush thought Dick was waving to him so he waved back with a smile, "See ya' tomorrow Dicky boy." Cheney could not hear "W's" goodbye, he was busy tripping the light fantastic with Jean Grey.
Monday, April 17, 2006
When Rummy Cries
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Warm winds blew softly carrying the new smell of blossoming cherry trees. The scent of Lilacs hung in the dewy morning wafting and intermingling with the essence of the cherry blossoms. Don's eyes were tearing up, Scott McClellan spying Rummy said with assurance," Don don't cry, the press isn't going to bite on what the Generals have to say, we've got great spin on this, you will be golden after today!" "Why you simpering maggot, it is the hayfever that is making my eyes water, goddamned flowers are killing me." Rummy said in a trite tone. "Let's just get this f#$king charade over with so I can go back to the office and crack out on the last level of Grand Theft Auto." McClellan was surprised at Rummy's apathy towards the upcoming firing squad of reporters he had to face. "You know I made it through San Andreas without any cheats, let's see those Generals do that." Rummy was letting his ego talk " I will beat the game in a record 8 hours." Scott knew it was an out and out lie, it had been 9 months Don had been playing that game, ignoring meetings and constantly ditching out on key military briefings. Rummy had become obsessed when Ashcroft tried to ban the game, Rummy took it home started playing and was hooked. He really loved the fact that he could beat prostitutes to death with a baseball bat, that was his favorite feature of the game.
The press conference was brutal, Rummy was a thesaurus of explainations , all meaning "I don't know." He made it through the day suffering the slings and arrows of his detractors. Inside his mind he thought, " That stupid rube has got to fire me now, how much longer do I have to take this punishment, I feel like the middle child always rewriting what Cheney and Bush say to each other. " Rummy thought about dark skinned ladies in grass skirts with the sounds of Don Ho gently streaming in the background, the sound of the ocean waves in his mind mezmerized him, so much so he could smell coconut sun tan lotion and salty air. He was calm again and knew it was time to head back and finish what he had started so long ago, the final level on Grand Theft Auto. It was the only thing he had been avble to do in years with out wandering eyes and monday morning quarterbacks, and that moment was all his. No one would ever come between the special time he had between he and his Ps2. Bush was an X-Box guy, but Rummy was a loyal man not willing to trade off for the first newfangled thing to come along, like lightweight body armor. A piece of gum stuck to his shoe and left a rotted tail of gum stretched out and like a tentacle it was picking up leaves and wrappers, carrying them along with every stride of his shoes movement. The rain poured harder, it fell in hard sheets, Rummy was soaked but nothing was going to stop him from "His" time. Which was about 23 hours out of the 24 . He strolled into his office and saluted a photo of his idol, Mr. GreenJeans. No one knew the reason for Don's strange affinity towards the former Captain Kangaroo star, and no one wanted to ask. He threw his wet coat on the back of a Lazy Boy recliner, then grabbed a bag of hot dogs, turkey flavored. He threw the hot dogs into a microwave, then sat down and turned on his electronic mayhem. He told the secretary that he was not to be disturbed unless it was urgent, and he would be in meetings all day
A phone call came into Rummy's office, Don picked it up on the first ring. He was hoping it was Publishers Clearing House, he had tried for 27 years to win that contest, now that McMahon was no longer associated with it he felt he had a better chance of winning. "You may have already won" was the slogan of PCH and Don had adopted it to his politics. It was one that he used in the Iraq campaign consistently when speaking to the Pentagon. The phone call was just to notify Don that Scott was leaving. "That guy is nothing but pantywaste," Don huffed,"McClellan stumbled more than a one legged drunk during those press conferences." Don searched his mind for the good times they had together, he couldn't think of one. "I won't miss that weasel," Don told his aide," In fact, all that guy did was make us look bad, he was the Pillsbury Dough Boy with the smoothness of a crack addicted birthday clown." Just then 'W" came to the door,"Donny boy, I need your help!" he said out of breath. "I am meeting with Presidente' Hu from China and I need to know how to keep my ratings from dropping into the basement." Don tried to not think linear and approach this situation like Nixon would, Dick knew how to deal with the Maoist regime and kept them at bay. " First, you must not let them push you around, the Chinese respect an adversary who is their superior, then you tell them nothing is in stone and we will run that by our committees before we make any decision, approach them like that and you will be able to look good on camera, and strong." Don gave George good advise. Bush then turned and sighed,"Well if you don't know, then I will just tell him were friends and he can have anything he wants as long as we are allies." He walked out like a kid who was not quite dressed and late for church. Rummy just shook his head and went back to his game, Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas. The sound of machine gun fire broke out as the game was unpaused. The figure on the t.v. pulled out a machine gun and answered the call then jumped on a motor cycle spraying every object in sight. Don was in his element, staying frosty for those urban attack strategy meetings with the Pentagon. Then his bliss was interrupted, Rummy's aide wanted to know if he was going to Scott's going away party. Scott thought about it,"Is it going to cost anything?" " No," the aide said quizzically. Rummy then asked if the food was going to be catered by D.C. Catering, when he got the yes, he was in. "I love their brisquit, it melts in your mouth," he spoke as his mind wandered to the mouth watering texture and taste of the best brisquit in the nation. Rummy then came up with a brainstorm, "Hey, call Cheney, tell him we need to get Fox News to replace McClellan, with them in there we are sure to look good." "I am on it .", the aide said. Don thought the day would be a bad one, but it was all on the up now and there was no turning back.
Warm winds blew softly carrying the new smell of blossoming cherry trees. The scent of Lilacs hung in the dewy morning wafting and intermingling with the essence of the cherry blossoms. Don's eyes were tearing up, Scott McClellan spying Rummy said with assurance," Don don't cry, the press isn't going to bite on what the Generals have to say, we've got great spin on this, you will be golden after today!" "Why you simpering maggot, it is the hayfever that is making my eyes water, goddamned flowers are killing me." Rummy said in a trite tone. "Let's just get this f#$king charade over with so I can go back to the office and crack out on the last level of Grand Theft Auto." McClellan was surprised at Rummy's apathy towards the upcoming firing squad of reporters he had to face. "You know I made it through San Andreas without any cheats, let's see those Generals do that." Rummy was letting his ego talk " I will beat the game in a record 8 hours." Scott knew it was an out and out lie, it had been 9 months Don had been playing that game, ignoring meetings and constantly ditching out on key military briefings. Rummy had become obsessed when Ashcroft tried to ban the game, Rummy took it home started playing and was hooked. He really loved the fact that he could beat prostitutes to death with a baseball bat, that was his favorite feature of the game.
The press conference was brutal, Rummy was a thesaurus of explainations , all meaning "I don't know." He made it through the day suffering the slings and arrows of his detractors. Inside his mind he thought, " That stupid rube has got to fire me now, how much longer do I have to take this punishment, I feel like the middle child always rewriting what Cheney and Bush say to each other. " Rummy thought about dark skinned ladies in grass skirts with the sounds of Don Ho gently streaming in the background, the sound of the ocean waves in his mind mezmerized him, so much so he could smell coconut sun tan lotion and salty air. He was calm again and knew it was time to head back and finish what he had started so long ago, the final level on Grand Theft Auto. It was the only thing he had been avble to do in years with out wandering eyes and monday morning quarterbacks, and that moment was all his. No one would ever come between the special time he had between he and his Ps2. Bush was an X-Box guy, but Rummy was a loyal man not willing to trade off for the first newfangled thing to come along, like lightweight body armor. A piece of gum stuck to his shoe and left a rotted tail of gum stretched out and like a tentacle it was picking up leaves and wrappers, carrying them along with every stride of his shoes movement. The rain poured harder, it fell in hard sheets, Rummy was soaked but nothing was going to stop him from "His" time. Which was about 23 hours out of the 24 . He strolled into his office and saluted a photo of his idol, Mr. GreenJeans. No one knew the reason for Don's strange affinity towards the former Captain Kangaroo star, and no one wanted to ask. He threw his wet coat on the back of a Lazy Boy recliner, then grabbed a bag of hot dogs, turkey flavored. He threw the hot dogs into a microwave, then sat down and turned on his electronic mayhem. He told the secretary that he was not to be disturbed unless it was urgent, and he would be in meetings all day
A phone call came into Rummy's office, Don picked it up on the first ring. He was hoping it was Publishers Clearing House, he had tried for 27 years to win that contest, now that McMahon was no longer associated with it he felt he had a better chance of winning. "You may have already won" was the slogan of PCH and Don had adopted it to his politics. It was one that he used in the Iraq campaign consistently when speaking to the Pentagon. The phone call was just to notify Don that Scott was leaving. "That guy is nothing but pantywaste," Don huffed,"McClellan stumbled more than a one legged drunk during those press conferences." Don searched his mind for the good times they had together, he couldn't think of one. "I won't miss that weasel," Don told his aide," In fact, all that guy did was make us look bad, he was the Pillsbury Dough Boy with the smoothness of a crack addicted birthday clown." Just then 'W" came to the door,"Donny boy, I need your help!" he said out of breath. "I am meeting with Presidente' Hu from China and I need to know how to keep my ratings from dropping into the basement." Don tried to not think linear and approach this situation like Nixon would, Dick knew how to deal with the Maoist regime and kept them at bay. " First, you must not let them push you around, the Chinese respect an adversary who is their superior, then you tell them nothing is in stone and we will run that by our committees before we make any decision, approach them like that and you will be able to look good on camera, and strong." Don gave George good advise. Bush then turned and sighed,"Well if you don't know, then I will just tell him were friends and he can have anything he wants as long as we are allies." He walked out like a kid who was not quite dressed and late for church. Rummy just shook his head and went back to his game, Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas. The sound of machine gun fire broke out as the game was unpaused. The figure on the t.v. pulled out a machine gun and answered the call then jumped on a motor cycle spraying every object in sight. Don was in his element, staying frosty for those urban attack strategy meetings with the Pentagon. Then his bliss was interrupted, Rummy's aide wanted to know if he was going to Scott's going away party. Scott thought about it,"Is it going to cost anything?" " No," the aide said quizzically. Rummy then asked if the food was going to be catered by D.C. Catering, when he got the yes, he was in. "I love their brisquit, it melts in your mouth," he spoke as his mind wandered to the mouth watering texture and taste of the best brisquit in the nation. Rummy then came up with a brainstorm, "Hey, call Cheney, tell him we need to get Fox News to replace McClellan, with them in there we are sure to look good." "I am on it .", the aide said. Don thought the day would be a bad one, but it was all on the up now and there was no turning back.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Delay-ed Vacation
www.RADICALRAGS.com www.MIRTHCANAL.com
Tom Delay sat in his office behind his monolithic mahogany desk. He sat staring out the window and wondering how it all went wrong for him. " I really thought people hated native Americans as much as I did, it is not like they actually have any power anymore, if I had only gone along with Abramoff's idea to give them a a whiskey wagon to keep them occupied while we stole their money, what the hell was I thinking."Delay thought mournfully. With a sigh, he was racing to come up with ideas to make himself feel better. "I know, I'll call up Andy Card and see what he is up to." Delay turned on the intercom and spoke with his small yet agitating voice," Sandy would you get Andy Card on the phone." The intercom was silent, Sandy had quit 2 weeks ago when Delay stepped down, she had quit when Delay had asked her to take the fall for him and do 7 years in jail. "Friends, who the f#$k needs em'!" I can dial him up myself, he reminded himself that he still could slum with the best of them.
Andy accepted Delay's invitation to go to the beach and unwind throw back a few brews and stare at some hotties. Andy was there in an hour, Tom met him at the door ready to go. Card stunned at Delay's get up took a step back. Tom had a neon pink thong on with the waist band so tight his belly looked like a muffin pouring over the top of a paper cup. His thong, banana style was offputting to the normally withdrawn Card. Delay sported black cowboy boots with chains and silver kickers attached, his head sported a blonde mullet wig with a Kanga beret. He had about 20 lbs. of bling on, one of the neckchains had the state of Texas as a medallion, in the center where Austin is located was a 9 caret diamond. The other medallion, a gold Uzi machine gun looked like it had been a custom gift from a gangmember of the Cryps. His T- Shirt was half cut as to show his protruding belly pasty white, with a series of broken vessels that looked like road maps to small southern towns built in a circular style around the court house. Delay then said," Hey Ang', hell am I glad to see ya, I ripped some phat beats off of my Mac so we can hit the beach in style with my boom box. I got a cooler full of Jack Daniels Lemon-ades, and a bottle of Cactus Juice on ice, sure to sport the young ladies." Andy looked confused, " Tom, I thought you called me here for spiritual guidance, what gives?" Delay hesitated and looked at Card with a side glance with only the one eye visible to Andy," Cardo I need you to do me a solid, See I am going to cruise for some hot chics for some sweet action and I need a cover." "Christ , Tom what are you thinking? Everyone is looking to nail you right now, this is the last thing you need." Delay brought out the Hammer inside, "Hey pussy,are you in or are you out?" Card shrugged with an effeminate,"I guess so."
They jumped into Delay's Ferrari, and Delay slipped in one of his discs into the c.d. player. " I could have been Tom the Hammer mix master, listen to my dope pics!" "I don't think I understood a single word you just said." Card shouted over Tom's music mix. The Blaupunkt stereo was jamming out 'Midnight at the Oasis' and Delay was screeching out the vocals as loud as his throat could bear. Andy covering his ears at the 120 decibel output thought that he had made a grave error coming over to see Tom. He now knew why Tom had few friends when money was not involved . They pulled up to the beach of Corpus Christi, the English translation, Corpse of Christ. Odd name for a town thought Card, but there was a strong voter base here of fundamentalist conservatives. Card realizing the comfort of his thought, then turned to Delay in stark horror, "Tom, some one here is going to recognize you, mullet wig or no mullet wig." Delay assured him that it was o.k.,"I have been doing this for years, sometimes I go to truck stops and hook up with lonely truckers, other times I go to the ghettos and crack out on whores and cheap wine, no one has caught me yet, but I want to share my adrenalin rush with some one, you know kind of like a mentor." Card grew increasingly uncomfortable as Delay rambled on. " Yes Andy I want to train some one to carry on my work in case I go to jail, that way I know the good work is being done and in good hands." Andy sheepishly replied, "Tom, I think you have the wrong man, you should have tried Karl Rove, this is more his bag." "Nonsense, just give it a chance and see how you feel at the end of the day." Delay said sternly as he grabbed his boom box and cooler. He sauntered across the parking lot screaming," The meat man has arrived!" He then turned to Card and held out his hand , located square in the palm were two blue pills," Viagra, want some? I took four of these bad boys on the way here." Andy looked down at Delays thong then wished he hadn't. "No thanks Tom, I am not here to wreck my marriage." "F#$k you Andy, neither am I, I am just here to get laid, love has nothing to do with it, I am not going to fall in love with someone else, how dare you!"
Delay took his place on top of a sand dune and turned on his boom box, he had selected Trace Atkins ' Honkeytonk Bedonka Donk' and started his gyrated dancing. Now fully erect he screamed at women as they passed by, undulating towards them in a spastic dance routine that was disturbing, perverse and yet still had the remnants of a rhythmically challenged person trying to dance. Andy stood at the bottom of the dune and told Delay that he was going to catch a bus home. Tom unfazed by Cards remissiveness, turned and yelled,"Fag!" Andy could take no more, "Well at least I don't hang out waiting to have sex with Truckers!" Delay then laughed, "Hey ass bag," he told Card,"They have sex with me!" Andy walked away in the hot sun, tar was sticking to his good shoes, he looked back and saw Tom dealing on an excessively overweight woman with flaming carrot colored hair that was kept in tight curls like a faux afro. He shook his head and wished that he could take the day back. Delay then started his montage of come ons, " Don't I know you?, Are you a model?, Sure your kids will be o.k. alone out here for an hour." After a long year of downs, things were starting to look up for the Hammer. 5 children sat at the foot of the sand dune with promises of ice cream if they stayed put as their mother went behind the dune with Delay. Tom then couldn't help himself, with a Tom Cruise jump and arm sweep, he yelled, "I'm Back!"
Tom Delay sat in his office behind his monolithic mahogany desk. He sat staring out the window and wondering how it all went wrong for him. " I really thought people hated native Americans as much as I did, it is not like they actually have any power anymore, if I had only gone along with Abramoff's idea to give them a a whiskey wagon to keep them occupied while we stole their money, what the hell was I thinking."Delay thought mournfully. With a sigh, he was racing to come up with ideas to make himself feel better. "I know, I'll call up Andy Card and see what he is up to." Delay turned on the intercom and spoke with his small yet agitating voice," Sandy would you get Andy Card on the phone." The intercom was silent, Sandy had quit 2 weeks ago when Delay stepped down, she had quit when Delay had asked her to take the fall for him and do 7 years in jail. "Friends, who the f#$k needs em'!" I can dial him up myself, he reminded himself that he still could slum with the best of them.
Andy accepted Delay's invitation to go to the beach and unwind throw back a few brews and stare at some hotties. Andy was there in an hour, Tom met him at the door ready to go. Card stunned at Delay's get up took a step back. Tom had a neon pink thong on with the waist band so tight his belly looked like a muffin pouring over the top of a paper cup. His thong, banana style was offputting to the normally withdrawn Card. Delay sported black cowboy boots with chains and silver kickers attached, his head sported a blonde mullet wig with a Kanga beret. He had about 20 lbs. of bling on, one of the neckchains had the state of Texas as a medallion, in the center where Austin is located was a 9 caret diamond. The other medallion, a gold Uzi machine gun looked like it had been a custom gift from a gangmember of the Cryps. His T- Shirt was half cut as to show his protruding belly pasty white, with a series of broken vessels that looked like road maps to small southern towns built in a circular style around the court house. Delay then said," Hey Ang', hell am I glad to see ya, I ripped some phat beats off of my Mac so we can hit the beach in style with my boom box. I got a cooler full of Jack Daniels Lemon-ades, and a bottle of Cactus Juice on ice, sure to sport the young ladies." Andy looked confused, " Tom, I thought you called me here for spiritual guidance, what gives?" Delay hesitated and looked at Card with a side glance with only the one eye visible to Andy," Cardo I need you to do me a solid, See I am going to cruise for some hot chics for some sweet action and I need a cover." "Christ , Tom what are you thinking? Everyone is looking to nail you right now, this is the last thing you need." Delay brought out the Hammer inside, "Hey pussy,are you in or are you out?" Card shrugged with an effeminate,"I guess so."
They jumped into Delay's Ferrari, and Delay slipped in one of his discs into the c.d. player. " I could have been Tom the Hammer mix master, listen to my dope pics!" "I don't think I understood a single word you just said." Card shouted over Tom's music mix. The Blaupunkt stereo was jamming out 'Midnight at the Oasis' and Delay was screeching out the vocals as loud as his throat could bear. Andy covering his ears at the 120 decibel output thought that he had made a grave error coming over to see Tom. He now knew why Tom had few friends when money was not involved . They pulled up to the beach of Corpus Christi, the English translation, Corpse of Christ. Odd name for a town thought Card, but there was a strong voter base here of fundamentalist conservatives. Card realizing the comfort of his thought, then turned to Delay in stark horror, "Tom, some one here is going to recognize you, mullet wig or no mullet wig." Delay assured him that it was o.k.,"I have been doing this for years, sometimes I go to truck stops and hook up with lonely truckers, other times I go to the ghettos and crack out on whores and cheap wine, no one has caught me yet, but I want to share my adrenalin rush with some one, you know kind of like a mentor." Card grew increasingly uncomfortable as Delay rambled on. " Yes Andy I want to train some one to carry on my work in case I go to jail, that way I know the good work is being done and in good hands." Andy sheepishly replied, "Tom, I think you have the wrong man, you should have tried Karl Rove, this is more his bag." "Nonsense, just give it a chance and see how you feel at the end of the day." Delay said sternly as he grabbed his boom box and cooler. He sauntered across the parking lot screaming," The meat man has arrived!" He then turned to Card and held out his hand , located square in the palm were two blue pills," Viagra, want some? I took four of these bad boys on the way here." Andy looked down at Delays thong then wished he hadn't. "No thanks Tom, I am not here to wreck my marriage." "F#$k you Andy, neither am I, I am just here to get laid, love has nothing to do with it, I am not going to fall in love with someone else, how dare you!"
Delay took his place on top of a sand dune and turned on his boom box, he had selected Trace Atkins ' Honkeytonk Bedonka Donk' and started his gyrated dancing. Now fully erect he screamed at women as they passed by, undulating towards them in a spastic dance routine that was disturbing, perverse and yet still had the remnants of a rhythmically challenged person trying to dance. Andy stood at the bottom of the dune and told Delay that he was going to catch a bus home. Tom unfazed by Cards remissiveness, turned and yelled,"Fag!" Andy could take no more, "Well at least I don't hang out waiting to have sex with Truckers!" Delay then laughed, "Hey ass bag," he told Card,"They have sex with me!" Andy walked away in the hot sun, tar was sticking to his good shoes, he looked back and saw Tom dealing on an excessively overweight woman with flaming carrot colored hair that was kept in tight curls like a faux afro. He shook his head and wished that he could take the day back. Delay then started his montage of come ons, " Don't I know you?, Are you a model?, Sure your kids will be o.k. alone out here for an hour." After a long year of downs, things were starting to look up for the Hammer. 5 children sat at the foot of the sand dune with promises of ice cream if they stayed put as their mother went behind the dune with Delay. Tom then couldn't help himself, with a Tom Cruise jump and arm sweep, he yelled, "I'm Back!"
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