Degraders of the Lost Ark

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Rumsfeld walked into McClellan's office, " Hey Scotty, I just saw a program about the Ark of the Covenenant, they say it is still out there, can you imagine what a weapon like that could for our military?" Scotty laughed and replied," Yeah,.. Cheney really believes that crap too, he and Halliburton have spent millions looking for it, taxpayers millions." Rumsfeld was starting to get angry,"Jesus,.. doesn't anyone tell me anything." Bush had been hanging around the corner eavesdropping, he stared with awe at the images racing in his mind. He then cornered Rummy in the hall,"Hey DonnyBoy, you think we could get our hands on this thing?" Rummy looked at him in bewilderment,"You know about this, George?" Bush smirking with that stupid frat boy look said smugly,"Yeah, doesn't everybody?" "Godammit, know one tells me anything! Hell if you know why don't we go try and find this thing!" Bush smiled, this is gonna boost the hell out of my approval ratings, he thought.

After all the plans were made and rechecked, the plane landed in Darfour, it and Ethiopia were the last two known locations according to "legitimate archeologist." "W" was beat after watching all known DVD's of the Wonder Pets and Boo-Bah. "Hell, I sure like that darn turtle on Wonder Pets, he is a smart one figurin' out all those animal's problems." Cheney said,"I hate that god damned show, but for some reason I am strangely aroused by the Boo-Bah creatures. " Scott shook his head, he had brought King Kong to watch but no one was interested, he still had yet to see it. Cheney decided it was time for a pic-nic,"Christ am I starving, I could eat food from a store, that is how hungry I am." Rummy looked around and saw the masses of Darfour citizens starving to death around them laying everywhere, then turned to Cheney and pointed to all the corpses and said," You're starving, well when in Rome....". Rummy and Cheney had a good laugh at that, then afterwards there was an uncomfortable silence that was broken by Cheney clearing his throat and calling out to Scott and "W" to gather around the table and break bread. They sat at a table that had been flown in with a silk covering and fine silver, the first course had been prepared on Air Force One, caviar, Beluga was set down with fine bread for dipping. Cheney's face flushed, he was irritated. Bush asked"Gee Dick what's up? You look like some one crapped in your cereal." Cheney snapped back, "These damn flies are all over my food, but I know what to do about it." Dick then left the table and started for the crowd; which now was being held back by gun point from the soldiers protecting our heroes. He reached into the crowd and dragged a corpse of an elderly woman to the table, flopping her down next to his chair and sat down and smiled. Rummy asked,"What,.. you inviting a guest over for lunch?" then he laughed at how funny he thought that was. Cheney then pointed down to his food,"See, the flies are gone, they found a new place to eat." Bush was amazed at Cheney's brilliance and reached over to pull the woman's body by his chair too. Then Cheney with quick fury reached over and bitch slapped "W" right across the mouth. Bush wailed out in pain, his lip was starting to fatten up and a trickle of blood mixed with saliva hung on the newly made split in the lip. "Get your own corpse!" Cheney screamed,"You don't always have to copy what I do. Bush ran over to the crowd and grabbed a body. He flung it next to him and started to eat his lobster tail. Cheney looked over and laughed, "A child George? Damn you are gauche!" The treasure hunters all finished their meals and topped off the dining experience with chocolate covered truffles. When the champagne was finished they headed for the Land Rovers parked a short distance away with their guides.

One of the guides whom was horrified at the wanton display of gluttony , could not help himself. "With all due respect gentlemen but, would it have been too much to offer at least an ort to a few of the starving children?" Cheney responded quickly,"Yes, it would have." 'W" also put his sagelike wisdom into the mix," Young fella," he said with an arrogant sense of knowledge,"them kids ain't starvin', did you see how fat there bellies were?" Rummy also let the guide know that he wasn't like Cheney, he didn't want an angry guide leading the into some warlords trap,"I threw food to those people." Rumsfeld said defiantly. The guide then told Rummy that lobster shells and hand towels don't count, especially if the person is screaming go away you f#$king zombies to the people he his hitting with such lobster shells. Rummy looked over at Scott and said,"Hey, I tried."

The Land rovers drove well into the night as everyone tried to catch some shut-eye. Then with a lurch and a stop the vehicles shut off their engines. Cheney yawned and stretched his arms out and said this was a waste of time. When Rummy asked why, Cheney explained,"Hell, I don't believe in this thing either but Halliburton is misplacing a lot of money, about 9 billion a year of unaswerable destination so we have to make up something to show for our expenditures. We have this one, "The Ark Project," and also the "Spear Of Destiny," boy would I like to get my hands on that!" " There is also the search for Shangri-La, and not to mention the Fountain of Youth."Cheney went on to tell Rummy and the others that is how Halliburton is able to keep it's books balanced. "W" was not to be trifled with, he swaggered over to Cheney,"Listen, I know you are my boss," he said,"but I would love to have a crack at this, what if everyone is wrong and I am right?" Scott looked over and said "George, we have been saying stuff with conviction for years, how much of it has come true?" George swung around stared at Scott with beady eyes," I got a f#$king mandate, alright?" Scott dropped his head and stared at his shoes, "Alright."; he whispered.

Cheney told them to go ahead without him, he was going to stay back and watch Boo-Bah some more and try and figure out what was making him so aroused by this show, it was only when the little characters came out and danced, he knew that much. He pulled out his traveling DVD player and slapped in the disc, then grabbed his martini maker kit and settled in for some r&r. Bush and the others trekked the trail down to a cave where their was a priest guarding it, the guide said he could go no further. The priest was defiant, "You may only pass this impasse if you take my life, but if you do, then the Ark will destroy you." Rummy then turned and said to "W", " That's a chance I'll have to take. " He then swung around with his walking stick and clocked the elderly man across the head and knocked him to the ground, the three then ran inside and down the trail in the cave." They made it to the end of the cave after 45 minutes of slow descent, then at the bottom was a mysterious passage. Scott took the passage and wrote it down. "It is a clue," he said excitedly. "You mean like Blue's Clues?", George asked feverishly. Scott perplexed asked what Blue's Clues were. "W" went on to tell him of a magical show that allows the viewer to solve problems by looking for hidden clues throughout the show. "It's a great show but them riddles is hard, I always have to wait till the end for them to give me the answer."Bush stated. Scott then told Bush that yes if that is what Blue's Clues were like then this was similar to that. They took the translation back up to the guide whom had been giving the guard first aid to stop the bleeding, "Read this!" Bush demanded. The Guide read the statement to them translated in English,"It is not the end one should prize, but the journey." The guard upon hearing this decided to permanently abandon his post. He told the men," You mean this is what I get beat up for every couple of years? I never got to see it I was told instant death awaited me, for generations we have done the same thing over and over and now I find out it is all wrong." Bush laughed and thought thank god I will never have to feel that way. They all got back to the camp site, Cheney had passed out in a drunken stupor and the DVD player was sstill running with the strange little phallic shape creatures dancing to weird organ music. Scott looked over at the others and said," Hey about we look for Atlantis, I mean if the taxpayers are paying us to waste our time we might as well, I have a hunch it is off of Monte Carlo. You guys in?" George thought he would love to have that spear of destiny, the spear supposedly touched by Satan that killed Jesus. Man he thought if I had that thing I could get re-re-elected. "Yeah," George said," I am getting tired of looking for this boat anyway, I mean it's gotta be so big the way it carried all those animals, if it were out there we would have found it." Scott looked at him with great disdain and thought, it's the journey and not the ending that counts, it's the journey and not the ending that counts.

New Story tonight

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Ingraham finds her way

When she was young, other girls were making dates with boys, drinking Old Style beer, hanging out at bonfires and listening to rock and dance music. Not so with Laura, she was dressing up in her candy striper outfit, brushing her hair in a tight pony-tail and applying her Bonnie Belle lip gloss. Then, topping off her work ensemble she applied generous doses of Charlie perfume. She loved her job at the nursing home, it was a state ran facility, and it was not ran well. Laura Ingraham knew that parties and boys were o.k. for other girls, but not for her. A devout conformist, Ingraham knew that in order to function with ones demons it should be done in the shadows of life. It was not right how girls went around empowering themselves by asking boys out, driving their own cars and joining sports teams, she felt that these were the downfall of true womanhood, no, girls must be like her mother taught her to be, sweet on the surface. Appearances are everything, but what no one sees you do is your business, unless you are one of those homos and then there was no place for you she concluded. She waited outside on a sunny Saturday afternoon for the bus. When it arrived she boarded with caution, she wanted to claim a seat right away without having to sit with " those people."

"Those people" were o.k. enough for fighting our wars for us, and for cleaning our gyms and offices, but she longed for the old days. "I am not a racist," she thought," but this whole bussing thing is something they needed to fix, it was uncomfortable sitting next to one of "those men". Horrible thoughts always permeated her mind when she was near them, "I know someday, they will take me into the alley and rape me to death!" she shuddered as she tried not to let the fear overtake her. Meanwhile a young black man sat on the bus , his mind was racing, nervous about his promotion at work, he was hoping the guys would respect him enough to listen to him now that he was their supervisor . It is not easy , he thought, I have been friends with all of them for a few years and I don't want to be a bad boss, but I know business is business and if they are my friends they will understand that and make his transition smooth. He reaffirmed his doubts with calm thoughts about his qualifications and how hard he worked for this spot, night classes at the college, state tests, safety courses and extra hours filling in when no one else would. Laura Ingraham spotted the young man and knew instantly he was thinking of raping her, "I can see it in his eyes! He is staring out the window trying to act like I am not here, but when I get off at my stop he will probably jump me and drag me into the bushes. She stared at the man with a lot on his mind the whole bus ride. By the end of the ride she was sure of his sexual vendetta against white women, however she was greatly disappointed when he got off 2 stops earlier than hers,"He works at a construction company?" "Well I suppose they need janitors too." she hypothesized. The young man never once looked at her, quickly she assumed that he must have been gay, why else would not even look at her.

The bus stopped right in front of the nursing home, the bus driver told her to have a nice day, she ignored him. She knew about blue collar men and their lack of intelligence, and that all they do is drink beer, knock up their uneducated wives and watch football instead of going to church. The idea of such a cretin telling her to have a nice day was implausible, how dare he speak to me. She walked into the nursing home and the smell quickly overtook her, she loved this smell. Once the unique, malodious scent drifted up into her sinus cavities her heart started to race, and her face grew flush. It was the smell of death, defecation, and bleach, it was like a pheromone that caused confusing emotions to stir within. She walked down the hall and looked inside Jack O'Brians room. The once great right wing McCarthyist lay dying, his skin was ashen grey, he struggled for breath. Laura walked in, her mind let flow an opiate release of lusting thoughts for this man whom tried to destroy liberals in his day. She sat next to him and asked,"Jack do you remember me, your little Angel?" Jack then hacked up a blob of brown goo that shot out of his mouth like a comet with an elastic band attached. It snapped back on his chin. Laura Ingraham looked to see if anyone was about, they usually weren't. The place was so underfunded that it was basically a body bin. A place where people were sent to die. Ingraham loved that about this place, it gave her great power to do whatever she wanted. She looked at O'Brian with longing, not in a sexual way, it went deeper than that, it was idealistic. She wanted to hover over him and breathe his exhaled air. She slowly climbed over him and keeping her lips just far enough apart as not to touch, but close enough to inhale every exhaled breath he let loose. His gums were rotting and filled her mouth with a scent of rotting hamburger , curdled buttermilk and stale cigars. She felt his clammy skin beneath her and his cold sweat absorbed into her skin. This was heaven she thought, a moment like this was not man made, it was God's way of showing his love for her. Just then a nurse came in,"Laura, what the hell are you doing?" she asked in a tenative tone that revealed impatience over anger. "I was just checking his breathing," she said as she turned to the RN, the brown spittle that O'Brian had expectorated onto his chin was now running down her cheek. The RN told her to get moving and help bathe the residents over in Hallway C. Laura Ingraham smiled and thanked the nurse, she told Jack that she would be back later to see him, Jack lay there without response, he hadn't communicated in years and was diagnosed to be parially comatose, but Hearst had given him just enough money to lay in state and not receive proper treatment. Which later would be determined as a sort of karmic action by all that knew him, except Laura.

25 years later Ingraham thought of that beautiful moment shared between she and her Idol. She sat in the green room at the Today show on NBC. " What would Jack do? " she to herself as she scrambled to come out with an approach to the negative facts against her heroes , Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Bush plus Rove. Jack was able to drive a man to suicide, I know he would want me to follow in his path for my leaders. That was it! It was like a ray of light from god had engulfed her. She took her place across from Matt Laurer and told him that the press needs to go into all the areas of conflict in Iraq and report all the news, 80 dead journalist weren't enough. All the leftist journalist must die, this way there would never be bad press again on the Administration. It was brilliant she thought, humiliate the press with lies and false facts, humiliate them so much they would kill themselves from enemy fire in Iraq, she was flush again with that same erotic feeling she got from her breathing exercise with Jack O'Brian. After the appearance was over she patted herself on the back and gave a fond remembrance to the man that drove Don Hollenbeck to suicide, and with reflective thought she realized, the student hath surpassed the Master.

Damage Control

The White House Staff watched the Bush press conference with the White House Press Corps in horror. Cheney called on his phone from his secret lair down tunnel 2 underneath the White House. Back in his lair, Cheney sat watching the debacle take place, on the walls of his secret office were black and white photos of all the women whom had rejected Cheney's advances . Scrawled in bright red lipstick on the photos was the word' bitch', the one on Jessica Simpson's photo was particularly sloppy, as if it had been written in a time of personal rage. Cheney stared at the monitor and called Rove,"We have to get out there and spin this mess right now, send Scott to see Larry King and the rest of the talk show ringmasters." Rove quickly put down his Flex muscle magazine that he had been engrossed in for hours and called Scott McClellan in. "Go see Larry, make it right, we will start a whisper campaign about Hillary, take the heat off George, got it?" Rove asked Scott. McClellan nodded his head in quiet compliance, he knew not to go against anything Karl said or else there would be rumors around Washington that he was a raging zooaphile, and Scott knew getting play was hard enough as it was without having Rove's pet boy Jeff Gannett spreading rumors that he was intimate with a burro or some other creature that Karl could dream up.

Scott drove up to Larry King's mansion in his Yugo which he still kept running with pride. It had been a gift to him from George Bush Senior when he helped open the Yugo factory in the former Yugoslavia. The Factory owners gave it to the president as a gift, he did not take a liking to the odd vehicle so he gave it to an up and coming up- start in the republican circles. Scott drove that car with pride, it gave him the warm comfort of better days, Junior only gave Scott a hard time and a horrible nick-name, Scotty Boy. God, how he hated that name. Scott walked up to the huge mansion after the valet took his keys with a smirk, "He has been expecting you.", the valet said with a slight grin. Scott knocked on the door, the huge red mahogany door swung open, and there he was the King of talk, standing in women's clothing. Larry was not dressed in sexy drag, it was an unusual ensemble that only Larry could have picked out. He had a black wig on with big yellow curlers in it, there was a lime green babushka wrapped around it, his beard stubble looked as though he had not shaved in 5 days, and a Virginia Slim cigarette hung out of the corner of his mouth. He stared at Scott through thick rimmed tortoise shell glasses reminiscent of Audrey Hepburns from the 60's movie"Wait until dark". His eyes had a strange yellow jaundiced look to them as he peered at Scott, he moved the rest of himself from behind the door, Scott was horrified to see the attire Larry was wearing, it was a lime green see through house coat, with big fuzzy slippers to match, he adorned a Jayne Mansfield bullet bra with newspaper stuffing that was falling out everywhere around the cup, but the worst was the lime green see through granny panties that King had pulled up so tight that the band ran just 4 inches from his bra. King, drinking a martini , spun around with his arms outstretched and said "Welcome to my humble abode, mi casa et su casa!" "Can I get you anything to drink?" McClellan politely declined the offer, then accidentally looked at Larry's nether region, he turned his head, vomited in his mouth, then tried to swallow the acidic bile back down. Larry knew what Scott had came for and told him he would gladly abide

McClellan dropped off the talking points and ran out of King's house as fast as his legs could carry him, the Valet laughed and handed Scott his keys, then said"You enjoy the show? Thank god you didn't catch him on Joane Crawford Night, he runs around naked with cold cream on his face screaming "No More Wire Hangers!", man talk about a bitch!" Scott thanked the valet and went on his way. He looked at his list of reporters to contact, oh man, he thought I have to see Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity, they do not pay me enough for this gig.

Driving over to Ann's house was never fun, she lived out in the country in the middle of nowhere, and her farm house was one of the most macabre places he had ever stepped foot into. He arrived at 9 p.m., an old vapor light hung by the dirt road that led up to the archaic house. The yard was riddled with broken down vehicles rusting away, a few refrigerators were cast about along with a cracked toilet and a stove that had started to oxidize on the surface. The house, about 120 years of age was showing signs of deep neglect, the wood slats were rotting and falling off of the structure, the roof had shingles curling everywhere and it was slanted at a strange lilt, with parts of the wraparound porch falling down. The stairs to the porch had long since collapsed and rotted away. Scott peered through a broken window, the drapes covered in mildew, were tattered and hung with a smell that permeated his senses causing him once again to vomit in his mouth, this time, since no one was around he was allowed the luxury to spit it on to the side of the house. Then a creaking door swung open, there stood Ann. "Why hello Scott!, I am so glad to have a visitor, I don't get them anymore, it is so good of you to come out here to keep me company, come inside." Ugghh, thought Scott, as he made his way up the rotting wooden slats that ran across where a great porch once stood. Then without warning his foot broke through the wood, the slat tore into his shin and ripped the shoe off of his foot, his foot landed into something soft, squishy, wet and indefinable. At that instant a myriad of horrors ran through his mind, was it a body, an animal, or something worse? He screamed at the pictures that raced through his mind, the pain from the wood tearing his flesh wide open was oblivious to his body as nightmarish imagery overtook his neurons. "What the hell is underneath this porch?" Scott squealed in a high pitch yell that hurt Ann's ears. "Just my garbage you dork, come on in." Scott looked into the hole in the porch as he removed his foot from the damaged area, relieved to see black Hefty bags piled underneath the substrate. "I don't have garbage removal out here so I have to store it until I can hire some one to take it to the dump." Ann said affectionately." The Mexicans that usually do it went back to Matamoros for the off season from their migrant work." As Scott walked into the house he gasped at the condition of the homestead, there was rotting food everywhere, garbage littered the floor at least 2 feet deep in some areas. Rats were abound feasting on a smorgasboard of left over food rotting on plates, where there weren't rats there were flies, so many they looked like black rags covering old dishes. Hundreds of glasses with rancid milk that had separated into a yellow sludge, decorated almost every hand rail, armchair and stair step. Scott looked over and asked,"Is that a bloated racoon over in the corner?" "No," said Ann humbly,"That was my Pom-A-Poo," it is a cross between a Pomeranian and a Poodle, but I think one of the rats bit him and I haven't the heart to throw him out yet." Scott said,"Listen Ann, I am just here to drop off Bush's talking points so that we can try another brainwashing on the public, I really have to go and see Hannity next."

"Please don't go" Ann begged, " I see so few people anymore, and I am desperately lonely, Even Bill O'Reiley stopped sleeping with me, will you make me feel like a woman?" Ann disrobed and flung her skeletal nakedness into a pile of trash and started rolling around in it frantically screaming "Take me, Take me!" Scott, who had been without since Mardi Gras entertained the thought for a split second then came to his senses, "Dear Christ," he thought,"How sad must my life be if I am going to take Bill O'Reiley's leftovers." He handed Miss Coulter her talking points then crept out of the house while she started to undulate on top of a mountain of half eaten Krispy Kreme doughnuts that were black with mold. With tears in her eyes and her face flush with embarrassment , she screamed at McClellan like a Harpy,"It's your loss you f#$kin' loser, you could have had the greatest, most satiating love of your life, but you choose to be the faggot you are, you're not a man, Rush did me next to the corpse of my father upstairs lying in the same bed, he's a man, not you!" Scott thought for a minute about Ann's father, a man whom companies paid to hire goons to assault the wives and children of striking union men, still upstairs lying in the same bed he died in. It was just not right for a great Republican like him, to end that way. He turned to a Ann who was sobbing with convulsion into an old napkin that had ketchup splattered on it, then gently whispering into her ear told her with great tenderness," I will only because I owe it to your father." She smiled through her tears, kicking away a rat that was about to bite Scott's wound and said, " These are the moments when the Angels envy humans."

RNC Party feels Kerry's Vengeance

The rain fell hard on Saint Patty's Day. This is my day thought Kerry, a day of retribution. Kerry got on his knees and prayed to all the super saints of the Catholic doctrine,"Please let me have my revenge, if you won't help me Lieberman said he will hook me up with Madonna and her trend magic!" After his prayer Kerry got on the phone,"Hey Lieberman, did you get the stuff from Gore?" A soft whine came from the other end of the phone,"Yeessss, he gave it to me are you sure you want to go through with this?" "I'll pick you up in 15, stay put and don't back out on me you spineless weenie." "O.k." whined Lieberman, then he thought how did he always get himself involved with Kerry's and Gore's crazy schemes. Meanwhile back at the White House, George Bush was mad as a wet hornet. "These bastards want to censor me, I never talk dirty, it's that goddamned Clinton who started all this censoring fad with his talk of oral sex, he deserved to be censored, not me!" Rove just shook his head with the look of a young man who experiences an epiphany that the beautiful girl he is in love with is mentally challenged. "W, they want to censure you, not censor you, big difference." "Whoooo Hoo, man I feel better, what does censure mean?" Bush asked. Kerry raced over to Lieb's apt. When Lieberman came out he had a brown bottle of liquid, a can of Easy-Off oven cleaner and a rag. Kerry's face drew tight, "What the hell is the can of Easy-Off for?" Joe just decided to show him he sprayed the material into a rag, placed it over his face and started huffing,"Dear sweet Jesus, what a rush, this eases the pain of my existence, it is like getting retarded and falling back into my mothers womb." "Whatever, just keep that window open, I don't feel like burning my brain cells and crawling back into my mothers womb." "Now Albert told me that the RNC is having their annual fund raising slash orgy at Rush Limbaugh's house this year," Kerry said,"and all those f#$king Swift Boat veterans for hate will be there." Kerry told Joe. The car a discreet 1982 Delta 88 rolled through the streets of Washington. Kerry looked over at Lieberman, he was foaming at the mouth and his eyes were bulging twice their normal size, they were rolled up towards the heavens, Kerry thought this loser won't be any use to me. As the boat of a car turned the corner the door opened, Lieberman was pushed out and rolled like a limp rag doll up against the curb. Meanwhile back at Limbaugh's place the party was in full swing, Rush had been doing mass amounts of Oxy, and to keep awake he had been doing some Meth that Ann Coulter had brought. His blood pressure was through the roof, he was beet red and and his eyes looked like red street maps of Houston. He was screaming for Darin Kagin,"Darin!, Darin!, bitch bring me a Milwaukees Best beer!" Rush standing , clad only in his dingy white fruit of the looms, with the elastic breaking into little rubber bands around his rotund apron of a belly and a pair of black socks with holes in the toes explained that Milwaukees Best was the best beer in Milwaukee because the brewers said so. Ann Coulter was trying to open a Mike's Hard lemonade when her fingers broke, they snapped like balsa wood into a grotesque display that resembled a Calder sculpture. Just then McCain stepped in and offered his assistance,"You know I had to reset my own bones in Nam, I can fix those for you." Ann's pain turned to arousal,"Only if you make passionate love to me the way Daddy used to." McCain, surprised at Ann's advances told her that he might if she didn't look so much like the guys he was imprisoned with that died of starvation. Meanwhile, Dennis Haster was over at the buffet table gorging out in a non-stop feeding frenzy that would embarrass a shark, "You know," Haster told Frist,"They have banned me from all the chain cafeterias that have an all you can eat menu, Old Country Buffet, Luby's, and even the Chinese Buffets." Frist retorted with a laugh,"Well at least you have accomplished something this term." Frist then walked over to Darin Kagin and started putting his mad skills to work,"Darin, are you a chubby chaser? I mean god, of all people why Rush, he's a junkie, a lardass and not very bright." Darin then smiled,"He is also richer than god." Frist mumbled "whore ",under his breath and walked away. Kerry was outside the Limbaugh residence, he drove up in the brown 88 and quietly slipped out grabbing the secret bottle that Gore had gotten for him. He crept up quietly to a side window, the heavy rain provided perfect cover for him, he opened the window and slid inside the room with stealth and speed. Loud raucous laughter could be heard outside the door of the guest bedroom he had entered. He quietly surmised his surroundings and cracked the door, he peered out and saw all the Swift Boat Veterans for Treason standing in the hallway. They had Katherine Harris surrounded and were talking about the old days of Nam when they were gods and could smoke opium and rape teenagers, and shoot indiscriminate civilians for target practice. Harris was getting excited by the stories and told the men she would slip into something more comfortable and be back in a minute. Now was Kerry's chance, he took out his blow gun and dipped the darts into the brown liquid, then with steady unison he shot all the swifty's with the sodium pentathol dipped darts. Once he determined the drug had taken effect, he opened the door and walked over to the men. "So," Kerry said angrily,"Remember me?" The swifties then told him no. Puzzled, Kerry thought the drug he had administered would have control over his subjects. "Who are you guys?" Kerry asked. "We are the Swift Boat Veterans for truth, but actually I am just a bum Rove dug out of the gutter." " Rove found all of us that way, he told us he would keep us supplied with all the booze and drugs we wanted if we rehearsed all the material he gave us." The Swiftless ones explained. "Hell he even set us up with a trailer in a real trailer park to live in, what a guy!" Kerry now, had met his enemy and was disappointed, they were not the soldiers he thought they were, he could not propel his war upon a bunch of hapless drunks, what challenge would there be. Kerry now thought about Gores lecture to him, let it go, get over it. Gore was always a loser what did he know, Kerry then turned back towards the once homeless men and told them that Rove wanted all the people at this party to be beaten within an inch of their life and to scream out for respect to Rove while they did it. Kerry walked out of the house and could hear the screams and commotions and terror behind him. He laughed heartily and then saw Lieberman. "Hey Loserman what up?" Joe then in a whining tone that sounded like Kermit the frog with bipolar disorder said"I just talked to Gore, that wasn't Sodium Pentathol he gave you, it's not truth serum, it's P.C.P. He couldn't get anything else, so he figured you would be O.K. with that. Kerry astonished, then with reflection said ,"Jesus Christ, if we would have gotten pulled over, I would face life in prison for that, I guess the Super Saints were on my side. " Epilogue: "What do you mean that if the Democrats take control of the House again I will be Impeached, hell I don't even like peaches, they're fuzzy and give me the willies when I try to bite into them?' Bush said with an angry tone," Hey enough of this political mumbo jumbo, my most favorite show is on, Nick At Nite has a" Full House "marathon starting in about 10 minutes and I am so there. No interruptions not even if the sky is falling."

Fox Lake Frolic

Scott McClellan took another beating by the White House press corp. He didn't know how long he could take it, the constant haranguing everyday was driving to the edge of pathos. " What will become of me after this term?", he thought to himself as he read his favorite escapist magazine"True Crime." Scotty always dreamed of being a gumshoe and gettin' all the dames and excitement in the role of antihero. Sadly he never saw that dream come to fruition. As all seemed lost, his future, his career, and his dignity.... An article popped jumped off the page like a fundamentalist in a charismatic church. "The Mystery of Capone's Missing Millions",the article went on to describe in great detail how Capone was building his own Fort Knox to finance the mob. It went on to say that the most probable place was in a sleepy little northern town an hour outside the city of Chicago for the lost treasure, and not where Geraldo had looked for it in the southside. Scotty was excited but decided to keep the news of
his discovery on the downlow, he knew if he could pull this off and find that money he could finance his future without worry. He had to keep it shady, yet still use the White House's resources to obtain his desire. " George,I think it would be good if we took a trip to Fox Lake Illinois." "Why the hell would we want to do that?" George exclaimed angrily for he hated being interrupted when viewing one of his favorite shows"Cailou". "Hey Scotty, I watch this show everyday on PBS, and I still can't figure out why that 4 year old kid is bald, is it cuz' he keeps gettin' lice?, or maybe cuz' his parents are brother and sister, you know they are Canadian." Bush said with an odd look of curiosity, his head was cocked to the side as he stared at the T.V. and pondered the situation. "Listen", Scotty said impatiently," Fox Lake loves you, it is filled with right wingers who haven't even begun to move out of the 1950's with their ideals, they are anti- union, they have almost zero minorities, and the town is almost all middle class, it would be a great opportunity for a photo op."
"Well, hell then Scotty, let's call the boys and fire up the chopper and go!"George said with a sudden look of happiness that Scott had not seen since Bush got his first season of "The Facts Of Life" on DVD. "Why do we have to bring Rove, Rummy, and Dick along?" Scott whined. "Well cuz' we all could use some good press, don't ya' think?" Bush said. McClellan looked astonished, my god he thought, this is the first time he has made sense since he decided to let his wife speak publicly. The chopper took off and away they went to see if they can raise their image, Rove was bitching the whole way,"That bitch Hillary, did any of you hear what she said after I attacked her?" "Yeah, Yeah." chuckled Rummy,"You want her, she is the only woman who has stirred you in that way, it's because she is so mannish!" Rove's face flushed with a crimson hue, embarrassed by the statement he turned his head down the rest of the flight and stayed silent. Scotty was dreaming of wealth and glory beyond all compare, "I will be king of my destiny!" he thought joyfully. "What the hell are you smiling about?" Cheney barked with a hiss," You thinking about the time your Mother lied to you and said you would amount to something? Wipe that grin off your face before I bitch slap it off you, you little weasel shit!" McClellan had to think fast, then he got on the phone and hired 3 clowns from Clown-co out of McHenry Il. to meet the helicopter at the park in Fox lake by the ball field. He then went back to Cheney and told him that they weren't going to Fox Lake for a photo op, there was a terrorist cell waiting in clown costumes to be interrogated when they landed. "They want to confess, but that they would only answer to the Vice President , oddly these clowns feel that you are in charge." That's because they are right!" Cheney said as he smiled so hard the corners of his mouth started to crack and split through the cotton mouth dryness. Unnerved by the smile and the small amount of blood that appeared like a razor cut on the corner of Cheney's lips, McClellan said"If you are going to torture these f#$kers, I don't want any part of it!" "That's o.k. candy ass, we weren't going to invite you anyway, Rove, Rummy and I will handle that, you just take George around and keep him busy, got it?" Cheney said with a deadpan look of emotional detatchment. "Jesus, he is already preparing mentally to ruin these poor clowns lives",Scott thought. The chopper landed at the park right on time and McClellan was whisked away with George while Cheney and the rest of unholy trio descended upon the unsuspecting birthday clowns. The three went right to work on the poor entertainers who were expecting a child from the "Make A Wish" foundation to be rolled out of the chopper, a lie skillfully told to them by McClellan. They were dragged off the field by Secret Sevicemen and thrown in to the Refreshment Stand, which was now being converted to a makeshift torture facility. "Get me some Goddamned Calliope music on a boom box with 120 decibel capability." shouted Cheney," I'll need some rubber hoses and car batteries with jumper cables and some metal grid, about 6 Ft. By 6ft. Rove drove into Fox Lake's premiere downtown section to the local hardware store to get supplies. Rove got the necessities for their information gathering party, when he spied a greasy spoon diner. "Oh, I sure could go for some chili cheese dogs," he said to himself. Once that thought had entered his brain nothing could satiate him until he had his fix. The diner was a nice little diner with stools next to the counter and 4 little tables next to the wall. Rove went in and placed his order for 7 chili cheese dogs and an extra large Tab. The bill came after Rove had gorged down his meal so ravenously that the other patrons were sickened by his display of dining habits. Rove, face covered with chili and mustard, it was also on his tie and white shirt. He had so much food on him that he looked like he had stopped, dropped and rolled into a pile of chili and cheese. Reaching for his wallet he realized he had spent the last of his money on the supplies and his credit card was in his briefcase on the chopper. "UH," excuse me," he whispered to the waitress working the counter,"but I have seemed to have lost my money." The waitress, a once good looking woman whose face bore the marks of a hard life and a hairstyle that stated,"I've given up and just don't care", looked angry. She bent across the counter and said"A big star like you comes in here and can't pay, what are you trying to pull?" "You recognize me?" Rove stated in a shocked tone. "Yeah, and I am glad that guy from Tool Time replaced you on the Family Feud, you sucked!" "No,No,No, you've got it all wrong, I work for the president, I'm Karl Rove!"Rove explained excitedly as two truckers were approaching him with fists clenched. The beating was horrible, Rove could barely see, and was disoriented but made it back to the car. When he got back he explained everything to Cheney. Dick laughed and said in between chuckles"I don't know what's worse, getting beaten by a couple of Neanderthals, or everyone thinking you are Louie Anderson?, Me, I'd have to say I would rather beaten within an inch of my life than be compared to that fat talentless hack!" Cheney then threw the grid on the ground and hooked up the car battery, he turned on the boom box to a deafening roar, the calliope music was ear shattering, then they threw the clowns on the grid barefoot and Cheney screamed,"Dance you low life clowns!" The clowns screamed in horrible anguish as they begged the three govt. Officials to stop the madness, one of the clowns yelled that he would tell them anything if they would disconnect the battery. Cheney laughed as the clowns hopped up and down to avoid the shocks on the floor, when they got near the unholy trio, they would beat the clowns with rubber hoses. Cheney laughed and said," Don't you find it funny that they are probably in the worst pain that they have ever experienced, yet they still are wearing smiles on their faces, god, that makes me laugh like a bastard!" Cheney then roared with laughter so hard his stomach was hurting. After about 20 minutes Cheney decided he had enough fun and turned of the juice, the clowns collapsed to the floor. Rove said that they didn't get any information out of them and that he had gone through all that trouble for nothing. Cheney barked again"Rove, you simpleton, these clowns weren't terrorist, McClellan made that story up so he could get away from us for awhile." "Geeeezzuss!" said Rummy, "Then why the hell did we do this?" Cheney was steaming now,"You guys suck, I show you a great time, we couldn't get away with this kind of fun in D.C., and here you are pissing and moaning!, I'm hurt that you don't understand me, and I was just bonding with you guys." "Wow, I am sorry Dick, I really did have fun!"Rove said endearingly. "Shut up suck-ass, I am just jacking with you, I would have tortured those clowns just for spite, but I got to admit, it did give me a much needed laugh." Cheney said with a smile. "Where the hell do you think that Bush and Scotty are?" Rummy said squinting through his glasses in wonderment. Meanwhile across town by the lake itself, Scotty told bush that he was to go by Grant High School and give a speech at the pep rally because it was Grant's birthday today, and that is where the camera were going to be. Bush exclaimed,"Pep Rally, alright!", "This is an area finally where I can show my expertise, you do know that I was a cheerleader, don't you?!!" Scott sighed and told George that is why he picked the venue, and he would raise his approval ratings with this appearance. George started doing cheers while running to the high school, I am gonna be cool again he thought and no one can take that away from me. Scott then took out his True Crime mag and perused thought the landmarks of the article to get a bead on where his treasure might be. He looked for the old Mineola Hotel, a Capone hideout, but that had been destroyed, it had been used by the Jaycees as a haunted house at Halloween before it was torn down. He then looked for several night clubs that were mentioned in the story, but none were to be found. Despondent, he walked for hours along roads twisting around the lake and looked at the old houses that were barely hanging on. Finally he saw an old man fishing on a pier. He walked towards him to inquire about the treasure, he slung his metal detector over his shoulder and approached the elderly man. "Hey, old timer, you know anything about the alleged Al Capone' treasure?" The old man hesitant, stepped towards him then in his assesment of Scott figured him to be harmless and soft. "Yep, there was a treasure here, but it's gone now, you see Al Capone wasn't a smart businessman, I think that could have been the V.D. that was rotting his brain, he was going to make this town a vacation hub for the rich people of Chicago, so he took a major part of his profits and silent partnered in a bunch of businesses up here." " He spent almost all his fortune on this town and many others around the Chain of Lakes, even up to Wisconsin. " "Now, like the money, those places are gone and so are those days, I tell you it was grand back here in the 30's and 40's." McClellan's jaw opened and he started getting angry. The old man continued"Yeah, but the people are the only treasure left in this place, now if you government boys, and I know who you are, I watch you in those briefings, were to actually try to help this area become great, you wouldn't be sorry, you won't find good, harder working people anywhere." McClellan looked at the man with his pride hurt, all he could think about was his future and having to get a real job someday, "Yeah," Scott said"Well it sounds like a personal problem!" He then reached out and pushed the old man off the pier and into the water , the man's body made a weird sploosh in the lake thick with algae, McClellan said" You are all on your own," then quickly walked away. Scott had wasted his time and resources trying to find his way out of the thing he belonged to the most. Walking back to the chopper he heard a couple of teens conversing outside a party store, "Aw man you should have been to the pep rally today this old pervert ran into the gym and started grabbing the cheerleaders and tried to do cheers with them, the gym teachers and coaches had to beat him off of the girls with wiffle bats, it was hilarious. " "Where is he now?", the second teen asked. "I heard they took him to Round Lake and put him in the mental bin, he kept saying he was the president, man was he whacked!" McClellan then sighed, and started laughing, it was a great day after all he thought.

Twisting outside the Beltway: Bush's Fantasy Trip to Wichita Falls

Twisting outside the Beltway: Bush's Fantasy Trip to Wichita Falls

Bush's Fantasy Trip to Wichita Falls

Bush sat in the Oval Office playing on the computer, he had been surfing the web all morning looking for good jokes to tell and claim as his own. Laura sat in the next room once again reading her Bible and pondering about Lot. Her thoughts ran deep, " After the fall of Sodom and Gomorah, did Lot's daughters have sex with him because he was hot, or the only guy around and they didn't want to wait?" The question was torturing her and she was hoping that it was the latter, that way she could explain her marriage to George in a biblical sense. Dubya, then saw a profile of Cybil Shepard, he remembered the first time he saw her, he had gone awol from the national guard and it was 1972. After wandering around in a drunken stupor, he decided he could hide out in a theater and drink in private. The movie was"The Last Picture Show". The movie changed his life, he was bound and determined that he would move to Texas from Connecticut at that point. Bush dreamed of naked pool parties with the Wichita Falls country club kids and the orgies taking place at their parents houses like in the movie. He did eventually make it to Texas, but never to Wichita Falls. Now, as president he had the power to change all that. Dubya got on the phone, "We're headin' to Wichita Falls !" Scott McClellan looked over at one of the staffers and with hisl usual look of a defeated man whom has lost all self respect, "It's the goddamned 'Last Picture Show' fantasy again." Laura Bush overheard Dubyas phone calls and approached him with stern consternation,"You can go George, but you have to take Barbara with you!" Bush sighed ,"If I take Ma, she'll just mess up the whole adventure." "Too bad, if she doesn't go, you don't!" Laura said vehemently . Well, with all the plans in line the group headed off to Texas. "Now Scotty," Bush said whispering on the plane," I will need you to keep mother occupied, so me and Dick,Karl, and Rummy can go have some fun." McClellan was fuming, "Why the hell can't Condi cover this angle, I mean she doesn't do a damn thing anyway?" "You know how Ma feels about black people, plus she's not gay." Bush replied. McClellan stood in horror, his face drained of all color and his right leg started to shake uncontrollably. "You mean you want me to have sex with Barbara?, Oh my god , why don't you guys just f#%king shoot me now, I can't do anymore for you." Scott wept profusely as tears hot with shame burned his cheeks, his head flush and his stomach was churning. Bush then explained how bad it would be if those photos he had at Mardi Gras and the doctors report from that incident were to leak out to the press. The plane landed and Bush sent Barbara and Scott off to the nearest La Quinta hotel, then proceeded with Dick, Karl and Rummy to go to the country club to look for rich teenagers throwing wild parties. Scott and Barbara arrived at the hotel, nervously Scott insisted that he be able to drink, a lot.. before he had to do this unspeakable task. Barbara said that she wouldn't have even gone here with him if her husband had not started hanging out with that whoremonger Bill Clinton. "I know he's teaching my husband out to get hootchie mamas on the side under the guise of promoting charity."her voice was raspy and sinister. Barbara grabbed him and planted a big deep kiss, then violently shoved her tongue in his mouth, at that point Scott projectile vomited the half pint of Crown Royal he had just slammed 5 minutes before. Barbara covered with bile, clenched her fist and punched McClellan so hard he bit his tongue and passed out. She then got her clothes on and started out into the cool Texas night air to look for her son. The gang made it to the Wichita Falls country club and went inside, they were completely stymied once they stepped into the once regal now dated and out of style building. "Are you sure you got the right place?" Cheney said angrily, "This place looks and smells like the nursing home I abandoned my parents in!" There was nothing but elderly people playing cards and eating bland food, brought to them by teenagers who look like their last job was at Sonic Burger. "Jesus Christ!" Dubya yelled, " Where are all the wild teenagers like in that movie?" Just then an elderly women walked up to the gang, "Are you talking about the Last Picture Show? Why that lifestyle was here 56 years ago, before this became the Bible Belt. All that changed when the churches seized power in this town and took it away from the oil families, that was even before we had and Air Force Base. Rumsfeld looked puzzled, "You have an Air Force Base here?" The Lady went on to explain that she was one of the girls profiled in the movie during the pool sequence.
Rummy then said "I'm in let's go back to your place, you got a pool?" The woman then smiled with a coquettish look and said," You can take me to the Cactus motel, and I can relive my prom night if you don't mind the colostemy bag." Rummy then turned to the others and said " Losers! Ha Ha!" as he sped out the door with the 78 year old woman. Dubya was hot, then spied an attractive waitress, but Cheney examining the situation said," We are not slumming with commoners!" "Let's go!" Rove said anywhere there are bases there are military guys hanging out, and desperate women waiting to take them away from their miserable lives to glom on and see the world. The limo sped towards clubs surrounding the base, the only thing they could find were after hours bars and strip clubs. "Dammit, George we're f#$king rock stars in the conservative world, let's just go to SMU, take the 2 hour drive and get some Methodist sorority girls." "No way, this is my fantasy, and I am going to find a pool party!" Rove muttered, "Yeah just like when we were in Michigan and you had this great idea to get some Amish girls at a Barn party, look how that turned out!" They pulled up to the seedy strip club, the paint was peeling, the front window was cracked and duct taped to keep it from shattering further. The ground was littered with fast food wrappers, beer and wine bottles and even a few dirty diapers lay where some stripper changed her baby that was sleeping in old broken down 89 Cavalier. "Nice," Cheney said taking in the scenery," What the hell is next, take us to the place where that maniac chainsawed those kids?" "Burkburnett?, Oh that's about twenty minutes north of here." Bush replied coolly with self confidence implanted from the knowledge of his favorite film. Karl rebutted," That movie was bullshit, it never happened in Texas, it took place in Wisconsin, the farmers name was Ed Gein, and he didn't use a chainsaw, he used a hand saw, and lots of different knives. Bush with a hurt look on his face like he had just been sucker punched by Jesus yelled," Karl, you take that back right now!" Rove just looked at him and said",No, you moron, how many times do I have to tell you, just because it is a movie, or T.V. show doesn't mean that it happened in the real world, if you ever opened a book or read a paper you would know what I am saying is true!" Bush felt the red hot heat of redneck rightousness take over his body, "Don't you mess with Texas!"he said in his fake Texas twang. Rove said in a laugh that pierced Bush's ears with horrible disdain " You are a Northeastener, you only fake being a Texan because it allows you to act like a stupid redneck, which you are!" Just then Cheney yelled at Bush, " You're not going to take that from that sissy boy are ya'?" Bush jumped to Cheney's goading and began to pummel Rove in a whirlwind of uncontrollable hate and a flury of self doubt. Just as he started bitch slapping Rove, Cheney was laughing to himself, thinking,"Man, it doesn't get any better than this." Honks suddenly blurted from a a taxi pulling up, and a vomit soaked Barbara Bush jumped out and started kicking Rove while he lay covering himself up and screaming pleas of pain and sorrow. Cheney sat on the 89 Cavalier drinking a 40 of Colt 45 watching Barb land kicks to Karls head and George ripping off his shirt swaggering and flexing, yelling at Rove and taunting him with statements like"Who's the man?", and "Next time you'll step off bitch won't you!" Cheney reflected with mirth, "Good times,maybe..the best of times, yes!"

Monday musing

Today I just thought a slipstream of nonsensical, intangible thoughts just to get through my crappy job. So I've got nothing of relevance, and that's O.K.

Twisting outside the Beltway: Lord of the Fruit Flies

Twisting outside the Beltway: Lord of the Fruit Flies

Lord of the Fruit Flies

Bush was on Air Force One with all the white house gang aboard when the sudden urge hit him to go up to the cock-pit and mess with the pilots. I don't believe I have given them nick-names yet he thought quizzically. I know, I will call them by a part of their face that is out of wack. He swaggered up to the nose and went inside the cock-pit, the Captain was wearing glasses and offered him a kind hello. Bush looked at him and said," How's it goin' specs?" The captain then told Bush he would rather be called Roy, that was his name. "Nope, Roy is too hard for me to memorize, I'll just call you specs." The captain then looked at the co-pilot and told him that he was going to venture back for some coffee. The co-pilot, a young man about 28 pleaded not to be left alone with this situation. Roy reassured the nervous pilot that the plane was on auto and nothing could go wrong, "Just relax and don't let him touch anything, I'll be back in two minutes. As soon as the captain left the sight of Bush, he turned around quickly and jumped into his seat. "I used to be a fly boy," he told the co-pilot whom was now starting to sweat profusely. "Don't touch that!" screamed the co-pilot. "Oh my god! You have gone and killed us!" Bush inadvertently shut off the engines with the kill switch set up in case the engines were aflame. "Now we have lost our lift and we won't have time to regain control of the plane!" wailed the co-pilot in unceasing horror. Bush just laughed and thought I'll just go back and get into the escape pod and eject out. Bush ran to the back and looked frantically for a part of the plane that only existed in the Star Wars movies he had seen , and in "Escape from New York". Just then when the macabre truth sunk in, he lost control of his bowels and started shrieking," I read Left Behind, I am going to heaven right?"
12 Hours later, Bush awakened on the beach, next to him was Karl Rove, gently stroking Bush's mussed up hair. "Thank Jesus your alive!" Rove said with a girlish glee. Bush suffering from a blow to the head did not recognize his lifelong partner. "What's your name ?"Bush asked the zoftic looking Rove. Rove then told Bush that he could be called anything except what the staff used to call him. " What was that?" Bush asked in a puzzled sort of way that reminded one of a child trying to figure out how the light works in the fridge. "Snitchy Mc Rat-fuck, that is what the staff called me."Rove said with a posture of shame. "Oh," Bush said incredulously," Well we won't have that!" Bush had found a conch shell and blew on it, just then an army of staffers, co-workers, and fellow cabinent members sauntered out of the woods of the island. Bush started taking a mental inventory and was trying to figure out where they were stranded. Just then Cheney came out of the woods and started asking the staffers who they wanted as their leader. The staffers all had the resolute feeling that a search team would find them in a matter of hours, they stayed with their paychecks and denied Dick his power grab. "Fine!", growled Cheney, "but I am the Hunter, and I get to kill!" That was fine with everyone even Rove. Then Rove tried to speak, but was interrupted by Cheney yelling at him, "Sit down and shut up Maggot!" Bush then jumped in and told everyone that Rove was not called Maggot, but his name was Snitchy Mc Rat-fuck. Rove began to weep gently," He betrayed me". Cheney then ordered the hunting party he assembled to strip down and rub their feces on their bodies for war markings. At first, the only one who engaged in this sordid activity was Cheney, but later everyone joined in, even Mary Matalin. However, Bush and Rove did not disrobe, and were sure that a rescue was imminent. Cheney had told the others of a stray dog that he had seen running on the beach, Cheney lit out after the dog with all his nakedness and his fecal covered markings with his spear. He screamed wildly and found the mangy cur whimpering beneath a pile of drift wood. Cheney came back with the head of the dog as a hat, and the rest of the animal had been curiously gnawed on, yet still had plenty of meat for a few. When upon seeing the remains of the dog, Matalin leapt on Cheney and tore the carcass away from him with her teeth, she then on all fours shook the body of the poor creature so violently that the creature flew loose into the crowd of staffers and interns where a feeding frenzy took place. Cheney came over and slapped Mary,"Ya' got greedy Mare, now our meat is being eaten by interns! Interns are the scum off the side of my toilet!" Mary cowered away from her master and whimpered. Just as things looked like they couldn't get any worse, Dick stood atop the mountain and decreed," If you are not with us you are against us! " The staffers whooped and screamed primal shouts that made Bush so angry he actually composed a sentence of thought, "Who died and made you leader?" He screamed at Cheney. Cheney then looked down and said, "You did!" next he commanded the staffers to kill Snitchy and Bush. The staffers climbed atop the hill and rolled a rock down on Rove. The sound was a horrifying mix of broken glass, bubble wrap and girlish screams that almost sounded like a young female plucking her nose hairs and eyebrows. Bush knew now that his power had been usurped, it was time to run. The staffers followed him like a pack of hyenas that had been denied their leftovers of rotted carcass. Bush crying and weeping all matter of strange things fell as the mob was upon him. The mob grew silent, Bush looked up, just then he saw a tall Hispanic man in a white uniform. "Are you the coast guard?" Bush screamed with relief. "No," the tall distinguished man said." I am the cabana man at the Hilton Hotel about a quarter mile past the hill, by the way have any of you seen my dog?, he usually runs the surf until lunch and comes back, and I can't find him and Carolina has really cracked down on leash laws, especially in the state parks."