Bush's Fantasy Trip to Wichita Falls

Bush sat in the Oval Office playing on the computer, he had been surfing the web all morning looking for good jokes to tell and claim as his own. Laura sat in the next room once again reading her Bible and pondering about Lot. Her thoughts ran deep, " After the fall of Sodom and Gomorah, did Lot's daughters have sex with him because he was hot, or the only guy around and they didn't want to wait?" The question was torturing her and she was hoping that it was the latter, that way she could explain her marriage to George in a biblical sense. Dubya, then saw a profile of Cybil Shepard, he remembered the first time he saw her, he had gone awol from the national guard and it was 1972. After wandering around in a drunken stupor, he decided he could hide out in a theater and drink in private. The movie was"The Last Picture Show". The movie changed his life, he was bound and determined that he would move to Texas from Connecticut at that point. Bush dreamed of naked pool parties with the Wichita Falls country club kids and the orgies taking place at their parents houses like in the movie. He did eventually make it to Texas, but never to Wichita Falls. Now, as president he had the power to change all that. Dubya got on the phone, "We're headin' to Wichita Falls !" Scott McClellan looked over at one of the staffers and with hisl usual look of a defeated man whom has lost all self respect, "It's the goddamned 'Last Picture Show' fantasy again." Laura Bush overheard Dubyas phone calls and approached him with stern consternation,"You can go George, but you have to take Barbara with you!" Bush sighed ,"If I take Ma, she'll just mess up the whole adventure." "Too bad, if she doesn't go, you don't!" Laura said vehemently . Well, with all the plans in line the group headed off to Texas. "Now Scotty," Bush said whispering on the plane," I will need you to keep mother occupied, so me and Dick,Karl, and Rummy can go have some fun." McClellan was fuming, "Why the hell can't Condi cover this angle, I mean she doesn't do a damn thing anyway?" "You know how Ma feels about black people, plus she's not gay." Bush replied. McClellan stood in horror, his face drained of all color and his right leg started to shake uncontrollably. "You mean you want me to have sex with Barbara?, Oh my god , why don't you guys just f#%king shoot me now, I can't do anymore for you." Scott wept profusely as tears hot with shame burned his cheeks, his head flush and his stomach was churning. Bush then explained how bad it would be if those photos he had at Mardi Gras and the doctors report from that incident were to leak out to the press. The plane landed and Bush sent Barbara and Scott off to the nearest La Quinta hotel, then proceeded with Dick, Karl and Rummy to go to the country club to look for rich teenagers throwing wild parties. Scott and Barbara arrived at the hotel, nervously Scott insisted that he be able to drink, a lot.. before he had to do this unspeakable task. Barbara said that she wouldn't have even gone here with him if her husband had not started hanging out with that whoremonger Bill Clinton. "I know he's teaching my husband out to get hootchie mamas on the side under the guise of promoting charity."her voice was raspy and sinister. Barbara grabbed him and planted a big deep kiss, then violently shoved her tongue in his mouth, at that point Scott projectile vomited the half pint of Crown Royal he had just slammed 5 minutes before. Barbara covered with bile, clenched her fist and punched McClellan so hard he bit his tongue and passed out. She then got her clothes on and started out into the cool Texas night air to look for her son. The gang made it to the Wichita Falls country club and went inside, they were completely stymied once they stepped into the once regal now dated and out of style building. "Are you sure you got the right place?" Cheney said angrily, "This place looks and smells like the nursing home I abandoned my parents in!" There was nothing but elderly people playing cards and eating bland food, brought to them by teenagers who look like their last job was at Sonic Burger. "Jesus Christ!" Dubya yelled, " Where are all the wild teenagers like in that movie?" Just then an elderly women walked up to the gang, "Are you talking about the Last Picture Show? Why that lifestyle was here 56 years ago, before this became the Bible Belt. All that changed when the churches seized power in this town and took it away from the oil families, that was even before we had and Air Force Base. Rumsfeld looked puzzled, "You have an Air Force Base here?" The Lady went on to explain that she was one of the girls profiled in the movie during the pool sequence.
Rummy then said "I'm in let's go back to your place, you got a pool?" The woman then smiled with a coquettish look and said," You can take me to the Cactus motel, and I can relive my prom night if you don't mind the colostemy bag." Rummy then turned to the others and said " Losers! Ha Ha!" as he sped out the door with the 78 year old woman. Dubya was hot, then spied an attractive waitress, but Cheney examining the situation said," We are not slumming with commoners!" "Let's go!" Rove said anywhere there are bases there are military guys hanging out, and desperate women waiting to take them away from their miserable lives to glom on and see the world. The limo sped towards clubs surrounding the base, the only thing they could find were after hours bars and strip clubs. "Dammit, George we're f#$king rock stars in the conservative world, let's just go to SMU, take the 2 hour drive and get some Methodist sorority girls." "No way, this is my fantasy, and I am going to find a pool party!" Rove muttered, "Yeah just like when we were in Michigan and you had this great idea to get some Amish girls at a Barn party, look how that turned out!" They pulled up to the seedy strip club, the paint was peeling, the front window was cracked and duct taped to keep it from shattering further. The ground was littered with fast food wrappers, beer and wine bottles and even a few dirty diapers lay where some stripper changed her baby that was sleeping in old broken down 89 Cavalier. "Nice," Cheney said taking in the scenery," What the hell is next, take us to the place where that maniac chainsawed those kids?" "Burkburnett?, Oh that's about twenty minutes north of here." Bush replied coolly with self confidence implanted from the knowledge of his favorite film. Karl rebutted," That movie was bullshit, it never happened in Texas, it took place in Wisconsin, the farmers name was Ed Gein, and he didn't use a chainsaw, he used a hand saw, and lots of different knives. Bush with a hurt look on his face like he had just been sucker punched by Jesus yelled," Karl, you take that back right now!" Rove just looked at him and said",No, you moron, how many times do I have to tell you, just because it is a movie, or T.V. show doesn't mean that it happened in the real world, if you ever opened a book or read a paper you would know what I am saying is true!" Bush felt the red hot heat of redneck rightousness take over his body, "Don't you mess with Texas!"he said in his fake Texas twang. Rove said in a laugh that pierced Bush's ears with horrible disdain " You are a Northeastener, you only fake being a Texan because it allows you to act like a stupid redneck, which you are!" Just then Cheney yelled at Bush, " You're not going to take that from that sissy boy are ya'?" Bush jumped to Cheney's goading and began to pummel Rove in a whirlwind of uncontrollable hate and a flury of self doubt. Just as he started bitch slapping Rove, Cheney was laughing to himself, thinking,"Man, it doesn't get any better than this." Honks suddenly blurted from a a taxi pulling up, and a vomit soaked Barbara Bush jumped out and started kicking Rove while he lay covering himself up and screaming pleas of pain and sorrow. Cheney sat on the 89 Cavalier drinking a 40 of Colt 45 watching Barb land kicks to Karls head and George ripping off his shirt swaggering and flexing, yelling at Rove and taunting him with statements like"Who's the man?", and "Next time you'll step off bitch won't you!" Cheney reflected with mirth, "Good times,maybe..the best of times, yes!"