Fox Lake Frolic

Scott McClellan took another beating by the White House press corp. He didn't know how long he could take it, the constant haranguing everyday was driving to the edge of pathos. " What will become of me after this term?", he thought to himself as he read his favorite escapist magazine"True Crime." Scotty always dreamed of being a gumshoe and gettin' all the dames and excitement in the role of antihero. Sadly he never saw that dream come to fruition. As all seemed lost, his future, his career, and his dignity.... An article popped jumped off the page like a fundamentalist in a charismatic church. "The Mystery of Capone's Missing Millions",the article went on to describe in great detail how Capone was building his own Fort Knox to finance the mob. It went on to say that the most probable place was in a sleepy little northern town an hour outside the city of Chicago for the lost treasure, and not where Geraldo had looked for it in the southside. Scotty was excited but decided to keep the news of
his discovery on the downlow, he knew if he could pull this off and find that money he could finance his future without worry. He had to keep it shady, yet still use the White House's resources to obtain his desire. " George,I think it would be good if we took a trip to Fox Lake Illinois." "Why the hell would we want to do that?" George exclaimed angrily for he hated being interrupted when viewing one of his favorite shows"Cailou". "Hey Scotty, I watch this show everyday on PBS, and I still can't figure out why that 4 year old kid is bald, is it cuz' he keeps gettin' lice?, or maybe cuz' his parents are brother and sister, you know they are Canadian." Bush said with an odd look of curiosity, his head was cocked to the side as he stared at the T.V. and pondered the situation. "Listen", Scotty said impatiently," Fox Lake loves you, it is filled with right wingers who haven't even begun to move out of the 1950's with their ideals, they are anti- union, they have almost zero minorities, and the town is almost all middle class, it would be a great opportunity for a photo op."
"Well, hell then Scotty, let's call the boys and fire up the chopper and go!"George said with a sudden look of happiness that Scott had not seen since Bush got his first season of "The Facts Of Life" on DVD. "Why do we have to bring Rove, Rummy, and Dick along?" Scott whined. "Well cuz' we all could use some good press, don't ya' think?" Bush said. McClellan looked astonished, my god he thought, this is the first time he has made sense since he decided to let his wife speak publicly. The chopper took off and away they went to see if they can raise their image, Rove was bitching the whole way,"That bitch Hillary, did any of you hear what she said after I attacked her?" "Yeah, Yeah." chuckled Rummy,"You want her, she is the only woman who has stirred you in that way, it's because she is so mannish!" Rove's face flushed with a crimson hue, embarrassed by the statement he turned his head down the rest of the flight and stayed silent. Scotty was dreaming of wealth and glory beyond all compare, "I will be king of my destiny!" he thought joyfully. "What the hell are you smiling about?" Cheney barked with a hiss," You thinking about the time your Mother lied to you and said you would amount to something? Wipe that grin off your face before I bitch slap it off you, you little weasel shit!" McClellan had to think fast, then he got on the phone and hired 3 clowns from Clown-co out of McHenry Il. to meet the helicopter at the park in Fox lake by the ball field. He then went back to Cheney and told him that they weren't going to Fox Lake for a photo op, there was a terrorist cell waiting in clown costumes to be interrogated when they landed. "They want to confess, but that they would only answer to the Vice President , oddly these clowns feel that you are in charge." That's because they are right!" Cheney said as he smiled so hard the corners of his mouth started to crack and split through the cotton mouth dryness. Unnerved by the smile and the small amount of blood that appeared like a razor cut on the corner of Cheney's lips, McClellan said"If you are going to torture these f#$kers, I don't want any part of it!" "That's o.k. candy ass, we weren't going to invite you anyway, Rove, Rummy and I will handle that, you just take George around and keep him busy, got it?" Cheney said with a deadpan look of emotional detatchment. "Jesus, he is already preparing mentally to ruin these poor clowns lives",Scott thought. The chopper landed at the park right on time and McClellan was whisked away with George while Cheney and the rest of unholy trio descended upon the unsuspecting birthday clowns. The three went right to work on the poor entertainers who were expecting a child from the "Make A Wish" foundation to be rolled out of the chopper, a lie skillfully told to them by McClellan. They were dragged off the field by Secret Sevicemen and thrown in to the Refreshment Stand, which was now being converted to a makeshift torture facility. "Get me some Goddamned Calliope music on a boom box with 120 decibel capability." shouted Cheney," I'll need some rubber hoses and car batteries with jumper cables and some metal grid, about 6 Ft. By 6ft. Rove drove into Fox Lake's premiere downtown section to the local hardware store to get supplies. Rove got the necessities for their information gathering party, when he spied a greasy spoon diner. "Oh, I sure could go for some chili cheese dogs," he said to himself. Once that thought had entered his brain nothing could satiate him until he had his fix. The diner was a nice little diner with stools next to the counter and 4 little tables next to the wall. Rove went in and placed his order for 7 chili cheese dogs and an extra large Tab. The bill came after Rove had gorged down his meal so ravenously that the other patrons were sickened by his display of dining habits. Rove, face covered with chili and mustard, it was also on his tie and white shirt. He had so much food on him that he looked like he had stopped, dropped and rolled into a pile of chili and cheese. Reaching for his wallet he realized he had spent the last of his money on the supplies and his credit card was in his briefcase on the chopper. "UH," excuse me," he whispered to the waitress working the counter,"but I have seemed to have lost my money." The waitress, a once good looking woman whose face bore the marks of a hard life and a hairstyle that stated,"I've given up and just don't care", looked angry. She bent across the counter and said"A big star like you comes in here and can't pay, what are you trying to pull?" "You recognize me?" Rove stated in a shocked tone. "Yeah, and I am glad that guy from Tool Time replaced you on the Family Feud, you sucked!" "No,No,No, you've got it all wrong, I work for the president, I'm Karl Rove!"Rove explained excitedly as two truckers were approaching him with fists clenched. The beating was horrible, Rove could barely see, and was disoriented but made it back to the car. When he got back he explained everything to Cheney. Dick laughed and said in between chuckles"I don't know what's worse, getting beaten by a couple of Neanderthals, or everyone thinking you are Louie Anderson?, Me, I'd have to say I would rather beaten within an inch of my life than be compared to that fat talentless hack!" Cheney then threw the grid on the ground and hooked up the car battery, he turned on the boom box to a deafening roar, the calliope music was ear shattering, then they threw the clowns on the grid barefoot and Cheney screamed,"Dance you low life clowns!" The clowns screamed in horrible anguish as they begged the three govt. Officials to stop the madness, one of the clowns yelled that he would tell them anything if they would disconnect the battery. Cheney laughed as the clowns hopped up and down to avoid the shocks on the floor, when they got near the unholy trio, they would beat the clowns with rubber hoses. Cheney laughed and said," Don't you find it funny that they are probably in the worst pain that they have ever experienced, yet they still are wearing smiles on their faces, god, that makes me laugh like a bastard!" Cheney then roared with laughter so hard his stomach was hurting. After about 20 minutes Cheney decided he had enough fun and turned of the juice, the clowns collapsed to the floor. Rove said that they didn't get any information out of them and that he had gone through all that trouble for nothing. Cheney barked again"Rove, you simpleton, these clowns weren't terrorist, McClellan made that story up so he could get away from us for awhile." "Geeeezzuss!" said Rummy, "Then why the hell did we do this?" Cheney was steaming now,"You guys suck, I show you a great time, we couldn't get away with this kind of fun in D.C., and here you are pissing and moaning!, I'm hurt that you don't understand me, and I was just bonding with you guys." "Wow, I am sorry Dick, I really did have fun!"Rove said endearingly. "Shut up suck-ass, I am just jacking with you, I would have tortured those clowns just for spite, but I got to admit, it did give me a much needed laugh." Cheney said with a smile. "Where the hell do you think that Bush and Scotty are?" Rummy said squinting through his glasses in wonderment. Meanwhile across town by the lake itself, Scotty told bush that he was to go by Grant High School and give a speech at the pep rally because it was Grant's birthday today, and that is where the camera were going to be. Bush exclaimed,"Pep Rally, alright!", "This is an area finally where I can show my expertise, you do know that I was a cheerleader, don't you?!!" Scott sighed and told George that is why he picked the venue, and he would raise his approval ratings with this appearance. George started doing cheers while running to the high school, I am gonna be cool again he thought and no one can take that away from me. Scott then took out his True Crime mag and perused thought the landmarks of the article to get a bead on where his treasure might be. He looked for the old Mineola Hotel, a Capone hideout, but that had been destroyed, it had been used by the Jaycees as a haunted house at Halloween before it was torn down. He then looked for several night clubs that were mentioned in the story, but none were to be found. Despondent, he walked for hours along roads twisting around the lake and looked at the old houses that were barely hanging on. Finally he saw an old man fishing on a pier. He walked towards him to inquire about the treasure, he slung his metal detector over his shoulder and approached the elderly man. "Hey, old timer, you know anything about the alleged Al Capone' treasure?" The old man hesitant, stepped towards him then in his assesment of Scott figured him to be harmless and soft. "Yep, there was a treasure here, but it's gone now, you see Al Capone wasn't a smart businessman, I think that could have been the V.D. that was rotting his brain, he was going to make this town a vacation hub for the rich people of Chicago, so he took a major part of his profits and silent partnered in a bunch of businesses up here." " He spent almost all his fortune on this town and many others around the Chain of Lakes, even up to Wisconsin. " "Now, like the money, those places are gone and so are those days, I tell you it was grand back here in the 30's and 40's." McClellan's jaw opened and he started getting angry. The old man continued"Yeah, but the people are the only treasure left in this place, now if you government boys, and I know who you are, I watch you in those briefings, were to actually try to help this area become great, you wouldn't be sorry, you won't find good, harder working people anywhere." McClellan looked at the man with his pride hurt, all he could think about was his future and having to get a real job someday, "Yeah," Scott said"Well it sounds like a personal problem!" He then reached out and pushed the old man off the pier and into the water , the man's body made a weird sploosh in the lake thick with algae, McClellan said" You are all on your own," then quickly walked away. Scott had wasted his time and resources trying to find his way out of the thing he belonged to the most. Walking back to the chopper he heard a couple of teens conversing outside a party store, "Aw man you should have been to the pep rally today this old pervert ran into the gym and started grabbing the cheerleaders and tried to do cheers with them, the gym teachers and coaches had to beat him off of the girls with wiffle bats, it was hilarious. " "Where is he now?", the second teen asked. "I heard they took him to Round Lake and put him in the mental bin, he kept saying he was the president, man was he whacked!" McClellan then sighed, and started laughing, it was a great day after all he thought.