Degraders of the Lost Ark

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Rumsfeld walked into McClellan's office, " Hey Scotty, I just saw a program about the Ark of the Covenenant, they say it is still out there, can you imagine what a weapon like that could for our military?" Scotty laughed and replied," Yeah,.. Cheney really believes that crap too, he and Halliburton have spent millions looking for it, taxpayers millions." Rumsfeld was starting to get angry,"Jesus,.. doesn't anyone tell me anything." Bush had been hanging around the corner eavesdropping, he stared with awe at the images racing in his mind. He then cornered Rummy in the hall,"Hey DonnyBoy, you think we could get our hands on this thing?" Rummy looked at him in bewilderment,"You know about this, George?" Bush smirking with that stupid frat boy look said smugly,"Yeah, doesn't everybody?" "Godammit, know one tells me anything! Hell if you know why don't we go try and find this thing!" Bush smiled, this is gonna boost the hell out of my approval ratings, he thought.

After all the plans were made and rechecked, the plane landed in Darfour, it and Ethiopia were the last two known locations according to "legitimate archeologist." "W" was beat after watching all known DVD's of the Wonder Pets and Boo-Bah. "Hell, I sure like that darn turtle on Wonder Pets, he is a smart one figurin' out all those animal's problems." Cheney said,"I hate that god damned show, but for some reason I am strangely aroused by the Boo-Bah creatures. " Scott shook his head, he had brought King Kong to watch but no one was interested, he still had yet to see it. Cheney decided it was time for a pic-nic,"Christ am I starving, I could eat food from a store, that is how hungry I am." Rummy looked around and saw the masses of Darfour citizens starving to death around them laying everywhere, then turned to Cheney and pointed to all the corpses and said," You're starving, well when in Rome....". Rummy and Cheney had a good laugh at that, then afterwards there was an uncomfortable silence that was broken by Cheney clearing his throat and calling out to Scott and "W" to gather around the table and break bread. They sat at a table that had been flown in with a silk covering and fine silver, the first course had been prepared on Air Force One, caviar, Beluga was set down with fine bread for dipping. Cheney's face flushed, he was irritated. Bush asked"Gee Dick what's up? You look like some one crapped in your cereal." Cheney snapped back, "These damn flies are all over my food, but I know what to do about it." Dick then left the table and started for the crowd; which now was being held back by gun point from the soldiers protecting our heroes. He reached into the crowd and dragged a corpse of an elderly woman to the table, flopping her down next to his chair and sat down and smiled. Rummy asked,"What,.. you inviting a guest over for lunch?" then he laughed at how funny he thought that was. Cheney then pointed down to his food,"See, the flies are gone, they found a new place to eat." Bush was amazed at Cheney's brilliance and reached over to pull the woman's body by his chair too. Then Cheney with quick fury reached over and bitch slapped "W" right across the mouth. Bush wailed out in pain, his lip was starting to fatten up and a trickle of blood mixed with saliva hung on the newly made split in the lip. "Get your own corpse!" Cheney screamed,"You don't always have to copy what I do. Bush ran over to the crowd and grabbed a body. He flung it next to him and started to eat his lobster tail. Cheney looked over and laughed, "A child George? Damn you are gauche!" The treasure hunters all finished their meals and topped off the dining experience with chocolate covered truffles. When the champagne was finished they headed for the Land Rovers parked a short distance away with their guides.

One of the guides whom was horrified at the wanton display of gluttony , could not help himself. "With all due respect gentlemen but, would it have been too much to offer at least an ort to a few of the starving children?" Cheney responded quickly,"Yes, it would have." 'W" also put his sagelike wisdom into the mix," Young fella," he said with an arrogant sense of knowledge,"them kids ain't starvin', did you see how fat there bellies were?" Rummy also let the guide know that he wasn't like Cheney, he didn't want an angry guide leading the into some warlords trap,"I threw food to those people." Rumsfeld said defiantly. The guide then told Rummy that lobster shells and hand towels don't count, especially if the person is screaming go away you f#$king zombies to the people he his hitting with such lobster shells. Rummy looked over at Scott and said,"Hey, I tried."

The Land rovers drove well into the night as everyone tried to catch some shut-eye. Then with a lurch and a stop the vehicles shut off their engines. Cheney yawned and stretched his arms out and said this was a waste of time. When Rummy asked why, Cheney explained,"Hell, I don't believe in this thing either but Halliburton is misplacing a lot of money, about 9 billion a year of unaswerable destination so we have to make up something to show for our expenditures. We have this one, "The Ark Project," and also the "Spear Of Destiny," boy would I like to get my hands on that!" " There is also the search for Shangri-La, and not to mention the Fountain of Youth."Cheney went on to tell Rummy and the others that is how Halliburton is able to keep it's books balanced. "W" was not to be trifled with, he swaggered over to Cheney,"Listen, I know you are my boss," he said,"but I would love to have a crack at this, what if everyone is wrong and I am right?" Scott looked over and said "George, we have been saying stuff with conviction for years, how much of it has come true?" George swung around stared at Scott with beady eyes," I got a f#$king mandate, alright?" Scott dropped his head and stared at his shoes, "Alright."; he whispered.

Cheney told them to go ahead without him, he was going to stay back and watch Boo-Bah some more and try and figure out what was making him so aroused by this show, it was only when the little characters came out and danced, he knew that much. He pulled out his traveling DVD player and slapped in the disc, then grabbed his martini maker kit and settled in for some r&r. Bush and the others trekked the trail down to a cave where their was a priest guarding it, the guide said he could go no further. The priest was defiant, "You may only pass this impasse if you take my life, but if you do, then the Ark will destroy you." Rummy then turned and said to "W", " That's a chance I'll have to take. " He then swung around with his walking stick and clocked the elderly man across the head and knocked him to the ground, the three then ran inside and down the trail in the cave." They made it to the end of the cave after 45 minutes of slow descent, then at the bottom was a mysterious passage. Scott took the passage and wrote it down. "It is a clue," he said excitedly. "You mean like Blue's Clues?", George asked feverishly. Scott perplexed asked what Blue's Clues were. "W" went on to tell him of a magical show that allows the viewer to solve problems by looking for hidden clues throughout the show. "It's a great show but them riddles is hard, I always have to wait till the end for them to give me the answer."Bush stated. Scott then told Bush that yes if that is what Blue's Clues were like then this was similar to that. They took the translation back up to the guide whom had been giving the guard first aid to stop the bleeding, "Read this!" Bush demanded. The Guide read the statement to them translated in English,"It is not the end one should prize, but the journey." The guard upon hearing this decided to permanently abandon his post. He told the men," You mean this is what I get beat up for every couple of years? I never got to see it I was told instant death awaited me, for generations we have done the same thing over and over and now I find out it is all wrong." Bush laughed and thought thank god I will never have to feel that way. They all got back to the camp site, Cheney had passed out in a drunken stupor and the DVD player was sstill running with the strange little phallic shape creatures dancing to weird organ music. Scott looked over at the others and said," Hey about we look for Atlantis, I mean if the taxpayers are paying us to waste our time we might as well, I have a hunch it is off of Monte Carlo. You guys in?" George thought he would love to have that spear of destiny, the spear supposedly touched by Satan that killed Jesus. Man he thought if I had that thing I could get re-re-elected. "Yeah," George said," I am getting tired of looking for this boat anyway, I mean it's gotta be so big the way it carried all those animals, if it were out there we would have found it." Scott looked at him with great disdain and thought, it's the journey and not the ending that counts, it's the journey and not the ending that counts.