Delay-ed Vacation

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Tom Delay sat in his office behind his monolithic mahogany desk. He sat staring out the window and wondering how it all went wrong for him. " I really thought people hated native Americans as much as I did, it is not like they actually have any power anymore, if I had only gone along with Abramoff's idea to give them a a whiskey wagon to keep them occupied while we stole their money, what the hell was I thinking."Delay thought mournfully. With a sigh, he was racing to come up with ideas to make himself feel better. "I know, I'll call up Andy Card and see what he is up to." Delay turned on the intercom and spoke with his small yet agitating voice," Sandy would you get Andy Card on the phone." The intercom was silent, Sandy had quit 2 weeks ago when Delay stepped down, she had quit when Delay had asked her to take the fall for him and do 7 years in jail. "Friends, who the f#$k needs em'!" I can dial him up myself, he reminded himself that he still could slum with the best of them.

Andy accepted Delay's invitation to go to the beach and unwind throw back a few brews and stare at some hotties. Andy was there in an hour, Tom met him at the door ready to go. Card stunned at Delay's get up took a step back. Tom had a neon pink thong on with the waist band so tight his belly looked like a muffin pouring over the top of a paper cup. His thong, banana style was offputting to the normally withdrawn Card. Delay sported black cowboy boots with chains and silver kickers attached, his head sported a blonde mullet wig with a Kanga beret. He had about 20 lbs. of bling on, one of the neckchains had the state of Texas as a medallion, in the center where Austin is located was a 9 caret diamond. The other medallion, a gold Uzi machine gun looked like it had been a custom gift from a gangmember of the Cryps. His T- Shirt was half cut as to show his protruding belly pasty white, with a series of broken vessels that looked like road maps to small southern towns built in a circular style around the court house. Delay then said," Hey Ang', hell am I glad to see ya, I ripped some phat beats off of my Mac so we can hit the beach in style with my boom box. I got a cooler full of Jack Daniels Lemon-ades, and a bottle of Cactus Juice on ice, sure to sport the young ladies." Andy looked confused, " Tom, I thought you called me here for spiritual guidance, what gives?" Delay hesitated and looked at Card with a side glance with only the one eye visible to Andy," Cardo I need you to do me a solid, See I am going to cruise for some hot chics for some sweet action and I need a cover." "Christ , Tom what are you thinking? Everyone is looking to nail you right now, this is the last thing you need." Delay brought out the Hammer inside, "Hey pussy,are you in or are you out?" Card shrugged with an effeminate,"I guess so."
They jumped into Delay's Ferrari, and Delay slipped in one of his discs into the c.d. player. " I could have been Tom the Hammer mix master, listen to my dope pics!" "I don't think I understood a single word you just said." Card shouted over Tom's music mix. The Blaupunkt stereo was jamming out 'Midnight at the Oasis' and Delay was screeching out the vocals as loud as his throat could bear. Andy covering his ears at the 120 decibel output thought that he had made a grave error coming over to see Tom. He now knew why Tom had few friends when money was not involved . They pulled up to the beach of Corpus Christi, the English translation, Corpse of Christ. Odd name for a town thought Card, but there was a strong voter base here of fundamentalist conservatives. Card realizing the comfort of his thought, then turned to Delay in stark horror, "Tom, some one here is going to recognize you, mullet wig or no mullet wig." Delay assured him that it was o.k.,"I have been doing this for years, sometimes I go to truck stops and hook up with lonely truckers, other times I go to the ghettos and crack out on whores and cheap wine, no one has caught me yet, but I want to share my adrenalin rush with some one, you know kind of like a mentor." Card grew increasingly uncomfortable as Delay rambled on. " Yes Andy I want to train some one to carry on my work in case I go to jail, that way I know the good work is being done and in good hands." Andy sheepishly replied, "Tom, I think you have the wrong man, you should have tried Karl Rove, this is more his bag." "Nonsense, just give it a chance and see how you feel at the end of the day." Delay said sternly as he grabbed his boom box and cooler. He sauntered across the parking lot screaming," The meat man has arrived!" He then turned to Card and held out his hand , located square in the palm were two blue pills," Viagra, want some? I took four of these bad boys on the way here." Andy looked down at Delays thong then wished he hadn't. "No thanks Tom, I am not here to wreck my marriage." "F#$k you Andy, neither am I, I am just here to get laid, love has nothing to do with it, I am not going to fall in love with someone else, how dare you!"

Delay took his place on top of a sand dune and turned on his boom box, he had selected Trace Atkins ' Honkeytonk Bedonka Donk' and started his gyrated dancing. Now fully erect he screamed at women as they passed by, undulating towards them in a spastic dance routine that was disturbing, perverse and yet still had the remnants of a rhythmically challenged person trying to dance. Andy stood at the bottom of the dune and told Delay that he was going to catch a bus home. Tom unfazed by Cards remissiveness, turned and yelled,"Fag!" Andy could take no more, "Well at least I don't hang out waiting to have sex with Truckers!" Delay then laughed, "Hey ass bag," he told Card,"They have sex with me!" Andy walked away in the hot sun, tar was sticking to his good shoes, he looked back and saw Tom dealing on an excessively overweight woman with flaming carrot colored hair that was kept in tight curls like a faux afro. He shook his head and wished that he could take the day back. Delay then started his montage of come ons, " Don't I know you?, Are you a model?, Sure your kids will be o.k. alone out here for an hour." After a long year of downs, things were starting to look up for the Hammer. 5 children sat at the foot of the sand dune with promises of ice cream if they stayed put as their mother went behind the dune with Delay. Tom then couldn't help himself, with a Tom Cruise jump and arm sweep, he yelled, "I'm Back!"