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"PLANET OF THE APES" The 197o's version, and it's significance to our society.
1. The design of the spaceship is still cool, let's face it, as a kid I thought for sure that this kind of ship would be built in my lifetime, I also thought that I would marry Daughter Judy and fly around in a bubble car and have Elroy come over with his Jet pack and we would end up working for Spacely sprockets, WTF did I know.
2. The debate over creationism vs. evolution is still going on, in the film they all hail Zaes the creator and teach in school that they did not come from a lower life form, meanwhile this angers the doctor monkeys who believe that the cleric monkeys hide a secret about where the apes really came from.
3. One of the best lines ever, "Get your paws off me you damned dirty ape!" What guy hasn't heard this line from a a girl whom he has offended by thinking because he rented a tux on prom night that it was a sure thing. This really effeminized Chuck Heston, he sounded like that angry school girl that I thought really liked me but didn't, and was only going out with me because she thought I had an in with a band I mixed music for. Boy was she wrong, and sadly so was I, talk about an awkward start to the evening on prom night.
4. 2 hours and not once did we see a monkey perform an act of self abuse. Try that at the zoo on any weekend, usually they wait for a group of school kids and then start punching the clown, I think they do that to watch the children vomit or become scarred for life.
5. The Statue of Liberty survives a defcon five nuclear attack, she's under water from global warming, but the the weather in New York is really nice after that little event, it's like L.A. only with gun toting crazed apes.
6. Heston gets locked in a cage with a hot babe who only wants to mate and can't talk, now how's that for nirvana? 3 square meals, not having to toil in hard labor ever again and mating all day. Oddly enough how does Charlton Heston react to this predicament? He screams like a scared child trying to do anything to escape, what a loser, this is truly one of the greatest flaws with this film, any man knows if he is locked in a cage with a hot woman who is ravaging him screaming guttural screams of desire, he probably had to pay her.
7. Public school survives, yes even though there is political issues of science and religion still, it is good to see the public education system toughs it out. Even a monkey understands the importance of education.
8. Finally, the last reason this film is so good, and politically important it shows us that guns don't kill people , monkeys with guns kill people.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
Why" Gone With The Wind "is the worst movie of all time
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Gone With The Wind is the worst movie of all time, not just that it happens to be my ex-wife's favorite movie, that was one of the few character flaws she had, but when broken down in a series of reality checks the movie is a racists fairy tale, a red necks anthem, a hillbillies prayer.
1. The south lost, no one has told Alabama or Georgia yet, but they did.
2. Slaves did not have undying love for their masters, it's called Stockholm syndrome.
3. Hattie McDaniel did not deserve the Oscar for that role, she was so much more talented than that, Blues Singer and Shakespearean actor. The Academy gave her that award to allow studios to keep black actors in buffoonary roles. So George Clooney, I know you meant well by mentioning her award as philanthropic at the 2006 Oscars, but sometimes you are an idiot, proof?......Oceans 12. There was an underground of Black Cinema that the Academy could have grabbed any performance from that was not just for redneck amusement, but for true craft.
4. Scarlet was a flat out bitch... not one redeeming quality, I mean if there was a hint of antipathy, or one sign of empathy from her, we would have a movie, but what we see is a dated, tired ideal of a males view of what a powerful woman is, yes I know the writer was female, still did you have see her? It would be hard to tell, she had many masculine qualities, many, many, many.
5. Butterfly McQueen, that name right there is enough to make you cringe, the writers idea of a black slave, inbred, slightly retarded, loud and screechy. I am sure when I write this people will say,who Macy Gray? I understand it was the depression and people have to eat, but even Stallone and Marilyn Monroe were able to escape their porn pasts. This role was worse than Linda Lovelaces "Dog Lover". It would haunt her like the Mary Celeste haunts the high seas.
6.The film and book make no apologies for atrocities against humans, it rationalizes the need for slavery, it sounds like my friend who is my age and still gets high..."Nobody is going to tell me how to run my life!" Yeah, he is still at minimum wage and single, renting with roommates, no prospects on a girlfriend, and his mother writes him checks to bail his ass out on bills. Sounds like the state of Louisiana.
7. Atlanta burned to the ground by Sherman, and that was a bad thing?
8. The Northerners were evil, I will tell you what is evil, Dallas has a hockey team, so does Florida, and Carolina and Nashville, that's evil. Seriously, why does the south have Hockey? I mean come on, what the hell. There are many places left in the North for Hockey teams, and they would actually sell seat. Sorry about the Hockey rant I know it has nothing to do with this , it just drives me nuts that the southerners are equating hockey with pro wrestling.
9. The kid dies, one kid... come on they were Irish, there should have been 12 kids, losing one would have only meant a few of the others would have had to pick up extra chores. A frigid Irish woman is a myth, like Bigfoot and Chucacabra. It probably was that Ol' Rhett was a dandy, everyone knows that Vivien Leigh was a mentally ill raging nymphomaniac who died penniless in real life, that's Irish.
10. Finally.... Ashley as the chick magnet? Plus Belle gets no action? Come on, what kind of bullshit is this? The town whore can't find a man? I know that the south is glorified but a prostitute that spends all her time looking for love? . No I think that this is the worst movie ever because it glorifies the people who made their money off the blood of innocent humans whom these " heroes " crushed into submission and ruined, all for the throne of kings, Tara. If the writer had lived long enough I am sure she would have had written, Gone with the Ashes, the Auschwitz story about a brooding SS officer at the camp, and his loyal wife back home. With the lovley and spirited german nurse in the human vivisection room will do anything to win his love, meanwhile, Red, the Soviet war profiteer takes her away and through the burning and bombing of Berlin, assisted by the comic sidekick of a Jewish prisoner and the slightly retarded seamstress, who got that way from being struck on the head with a rifle butt from the concentration camp. At the end our nurse who performed experiments on jewish children at the camp has returned and we find her sitting among their ashes at Auschwitz, after the allies have come through. There with the sunset fadiing over the death camp she looks up at the sky screaming," As god is my witness, I will rebuld this place! Uh Oh, I think I have a Joe Esterhaus movie in the works.
Gone With The Wind is the worst movie of all time, not just that it happens to be my ex-wife's favorite movie, that was one of the few character flaws she had, but when broken down in a series of reality checks the movie is a racists fairy tale, a red necks anthem, a hillbillies prayer.
1. The south lost, no one has told Alabama or Georgia yet, but they did.
2. Slaves did not have undying love for their masters, it's called Stockholm syndrome.
3. Hattie McDaniel did not deserve the Oscar for that role, she was so much more talented than that, Blues Singer and Shakespearean actor. The Academy gave her that award to allow studios to keep black actors in buffoonary roles. So George Clooney, I know you meant well by mentioning her award as philanthropic at the 2006 Oscars, but sometimes you are an idiot, proof?......Oceans 12. There was an underground of Black Cinema that the Academy could have grabbed any performance from that was not just for redneck amusement, but for true craft.
4. Scarlet was a flat out bitch... not one redeeming quality, I mean if there was a hint of antipathy, or one sign of empathy from her, we would have a movie, but what we see is a dated, tired ideal of a males view of what a powerful woman is, yes I know the writer was female, still did you have see her? It would be hard to tell, she had many masculine qualities, many, many, many.
5. Butterfly McQueen, that name right there is enough to make you cringe, the writers idea of a black slave, inbred, slightly retarded, loud and screechy. I am sure when I write this people will say,who Macy Gray? I understand it was the depression and people have to eat, but even Stallone and Marilyn Monroe were able to escape their porn pasts. This role was worse than Linda Lovelaces "Dog Lover". It would haunt her like the Mary Celeste haunts the high seas.
6.The film and book make no apologies for atrocities against humans, it rationalizes the need for slavery, it sounds like my friend who is my age and still gets high..."Nobody is going to tell me how to run my life!" Yeah, he is still at minimum wage and single, renting with roommates, no prospects on a girlfriend, and his mother writes him checks to bail his ass out on bills. Sounds like the state of Louisiana.
7. Atlanta burned to the ground by Sherman, and that was a bad thing?
8. The Northerners were evil, I will tell you what is evil, Dallas has a hockey team, so does Florida, and Carolina and Nashville, that's evil. Seriously, why does the south have Hockey? I mean come on, what the hell. There are many places left in the North for Hockey teams, and they would actually sell seat. Sorry about the Hockey rant I know it has nothing to do with this , it just drives me nuts that the southerners are equating hockey with pro wrestling.
9. The kid dies, one kid... come on they were Irish, there should have been 12 kids, losing one would have only meant a few of the others would have had to pick up extra chores. A frigid Irish woman is a myth, like Bigfoot and Chucacabra. It probably was that Ol' Rhett was a dandy, everyone knows that Vivien Leigh was a mentally ill raging nymphomaniac who died penniless in real life, that's Irish.
10. Finally.... Ashley as the chick magnet? Plus Belle gets no action? Come on, what kind of bullshit is this? The town whore can't find a man? I know that the south is glorified but a prostitute that spends all her time looking for love? . No I think that this is the worst movie ever because it glorifies the people who made their money off the blood of innocent humans whom these " heroes " crushed into submission and ruined, all for the throne of kings, Tara. If the writer had lived long enough I am sure she would have had written, Gone with the Ashes, the Auschwitz story about a brooding SS officer at the camp, and his loyal wife back home. With the lovley and spirited german nurse in the human vivisection room will do anything to win his love, meanwhile, Red, the Soviet war profiteer takes her away and through the burning and bombing of Berlin, assisted by the comic sidekick of a Jewish prisoner and the slightly retarded seamstress, who got that way from being struck on the head with a rifle butt from the concentration camp. At the end our nurse who performed experiments on jewish children at the camp has returned and we find her sitting among their ashes at Auschwitz, after the allies have come through. There with the sunset fadiing over the death camp she looks up at the sky screaming," As god is my witness, I will rebuld this place! Uh Oh, I think I have a Joe Esterhaus movie in the works.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Onward Through The Fog.
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The fog hung heavy over D.C., it was thick and with almost zero visibility. It left a shiny wet surface on all substrates, it looked as if pixies had come through the city spraying a coat of white mist over the slime. Although there was something magical about the lumbering cloud that refused to get off of the ground that morning , as if it had just given up and decided like manic depressant to lay there until something earth shattering were to make it move. Bush skipped along the sidewalk on his way to work, he was screaming ,"Rain drops keep falling on my head." He loved that song since he first heard it on ' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid', he knew after seeing that movie he was going to become a cowboy. Bush wandered around the Oval Office, he was bored, no one talked to him anymore and he was on strict orders not to talk to the press anymore. That ruffled his feathers, he knew that the "Others", did not trust him, nor did any of his Secret Service. The Secret Service was always on his case about wandering off and talking to the commoners. Bush knew what he had to do, Run away! Not permanently, but for a vacation. Hell, he thought to himself, Iraq is going great, New Orleans is almost back to normal, and China was getting along better with U.S. interests now more than ever. "It's all good!" he said aloud to himself. Where am I gonna go where I can get away. Then he thought about his body double at the Press Corp. Dinner, I use him and I can leave and no one will know the difference. Bush patted himself on the back for being such a genius.
Bush called the impersonator personally and invited him up to the office. The man arrived about 45 minutes later, he was sheepish and asked Bush what he could do for him. Bush then told him he was on a super duper secret mission and that the man would be paid well to just sit in the office and pretend to be him. The man then asked how much it would pay and Bush told him a gazillion dollars at least. The man then told Bush he would take about 10 grand for the job, Bush then asked what a grand was. Bush told him he would pay whatever the man asked. They shook hands and then Bush went to the presidential safe, he looked at his hand and read the splotchy ink combination that he had written on his palm with a sharpie. Once the great monolithic safe was opened he went in and grabbed a stack of money that he had placed their after Christmas. Bush had found the money and it was one of the greatest moments in his life. He told no one about his find fearing that if one of his advisors heard of it they would make him put it back. Bush had found the money in a game box that had been left over years ago by one of his daughters friends. He had figured that it was supposed to be a secret campaign contribution, so he kept silent. The money was neatly stacked in sets of different denominations, neatly placed with paper bands around each denomination. He grabbed them all, about 200,000 dollars. what he would need the money for he couldn't tell, but he was going to spend it. He snuck out through the bomb shelter, then donned a fake beard and fedora. He made it out of the tunnel and past Pennsylvania avenue. He looked and saw a cab, Bush jumped up and down estatically until the cab pulled over. The driver asked him "where to?" Bush then told him he wanted to go to someplace exciting. The cab sped away down Pennsylvania avenue into the dense fog.
The body double was doing just fine, Cheney had asked him to cover him while he went home and watched torture videos while Lynn was out," A little me time." Cheney said. The Bush alike said "Go right ahead, I've got ya' covered."
Cheney smiled and took off without a goodbye.
The cab stopped outside of a Nightclub called the Candy Store, the cabbie then looked at Bush and told him,"Mister, if you can't find what you are looking for here, you ain't gonna find it nowhere." Bush smiled and pulled out his wad of cash and handed the cabbie a 50. The cabbie then got out of the car and walked back to open the door for Bush. Bush stepped out and like a bolt from the blue the cabbie struck him in the face with his fist. Bush dropped to the ground like a sack of garbage, he nose was bleeding, his eyes welled up with tears. George had never been hit like that before, the closest he had came was when Cheney constantly bitch slapped him for a stupid remark.
The cabbie then yelled,"How dare you try and pay me with god damned monopoly money!" " Gas is so expensive and I gotta pay the fare you bum!" The cabbie then kicked Bush in the head a few times, then when he was winded and could no longer handle Bush's feminine cries, and squeals; he stepped back into the cab. Bush had never had to handle money, he didn't even know what it really looked like, it wasn't his fault that the money in the game box was play money. He got up brushed himself off and went into the club. A very nice looking young lady dressed like a French maid was hostess at the club, She came over and inquired if Bush was a member, Bush quickly replied that he was. He walked in and the place had an odd smell to it , like locker room mixed with incense. Bush remembered that smell from his days in the Skulls. He walked in and the sign said, Welcome Swingers. Bush looked at it and was glad to see that golfers were the clientele of this business.
As he walked through the club, He saw an old friend of his Matt Drudge, was lying on a torture table with three Fabio look alikes dressed as priests, they were yelling at him and telling him that he was a bad boy. Drudge was happy to see George there. "You coming over to the dark side?" Matt asked 'W'. George then looked at the scene before him and said "I am in the wrong place Matty boy and I think you are too." Matt then said,"Well if you are looking for Rove, he is in the back dressed up like Shirley Temple and he is singing to a group of Illegal immigrants he bought for the day at the day labor corner." George couldn't help himself, he walked to the back down a hallway that was pitch black to see his best friend Karl. As he walked down the hall he could see nothing, then to his horror he felt hands grabbing him in the dark, the hands which were many started to grope and massage him. "W" was starting to feel a wave of nausea overcome him, his head was light and his knees weak, he tried to scream and run but was gripped by the icy hand of fear. It was one of those moments in life where he had to become his superhero alter ego, "The Decider!" He ripped off his beard, then took off his shoe and started beating away the hands, he could hear muffled winces of pain and feminie yells, that reminded him of something strangely familiar. He had to know, he flung himself forward using his hands to guide him, at that moment he found the light switch , his salvation. "Let there be light," he screamed as tears burned hotly down his face, his eyes were red hot and filled with terror and tears, they stung but what was to come would blind him. The lights came on and on the floor laying in the same state as they came into the world were people that he knew, Barbara Bush, Lynne Cheney, Harriet Miers, Scalia, Rummsfeld, and wearing a thong and pasties was Michael Chertoff sitting on Dick Cheney's lap whispering sexual sweet nothings. Chertoff giggled like a girl, Cheney was patting the horrible bright orange wig on his head, Cheney then said softly, "Mickey, you make me feel like my heart is going to explode!" Bush then at seeing the horror , collapsed. Barbara Bush jumped out of the pile of sweaty bodies and ran to him, she clutched him in her bossom and stroked his hair. Bush came to and looked up with his mother naked caressing him, he screamed in her face and broke loose her grip. A grip of a gorilla, it was vice like and almost impossible, but his will was strong. He ran and fell into the next room, upon entering much to his horror he saw Karl. Rove was standing on a chair with a little girls style of dress on, he wore a wig with Shirley temple curls, button down Buster Brown shoes and little frilly socks. Bush felt the wind being knocked out of him, as he watched in horror, Rove danced around singing the "Good Ship Lollipop" he was strutting around licking an oversized lollipop erotically in front of the migrant workers being held there at gunpoint by 2 secret service men. The room was hot and humid, Rove was sweating like a can of cold beer out in the sun, his mascara ran down his face and his lipstick was smeared. Underneath the hot lights Rove danced madly smiling in a sickly forced expression. Bush felt the heat affecting him, he needed to escape, he, to his luck saw an emergency escape. Without hesitation he bolted for the door. Pushing with all his might he made it through, and fell to the cool ground below, he had never felt such relief, the rain danced on him as he lay on the cool ground and took in the moment. He arose and walked to the road. He was swaggering, this time it was unintentional, usually he forces a swagger, but this time it was due to his body trying to adjust to the rain and poor visibility after the steamy oven he had broken away from. He walked towards the Bus stop. There he stood waiting to catch a bus. He had never before ridden one, but considering the cicumstances, he needed to get home.
He sat down on the bus bench and wondered to himself. He thought deeply about his situation and thought that the world out there was sick, it was right to destroy it, nobody mattered, nobody cared for him, his own mother put the moves on him and it had gone too far, what disgusted him the most was that he was revolted by Barbara's actions, yet turned on at the same time. The bus came to a slow stop and the door made a tired screach as it opened, then Bush once again pulled out his wad of Monopoly Money as he entered the transport. Seconds it opened again and Bush fell into a puddle after being thrown off the vehicle by the driver for trying to rip him off for a free ride. Bush started to cry, just then a car pulled up and the window rolled down, "C'mon baby, get in the car." Barbara Bush cooed softly. "Jr. Ya know Momma loves ya' !" Bush got into the Lincoln Continental and started to cry, he thought to himself that this was not a good day, no not a good day indeed.
EPILOGUE: The White House will now try and eliminate press briefings so the puplic will not be informed of their hedonistic goings on.
The fog hung heavy over D.C., it was thick and with almost zero visibility. It left a shiny wet surface on all substrates, it looked as if pixies had come through the city spraying a coat of white mist over the slime. Although there was something magical about the lumbering cloud that refused to get off of the ground that morning , as if it had just given up and decided like manic depressant to lay there until something earth shattering were to make it move. Bush skipped along the sidewalk on his way to work, he was screaming ,"Rain drops keep falling on my head." He loved that song since he first heard it on ' Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid', he knew after seeing that movie he was going to become a cowboy. Bush wandered around the Oval Office, he was bored, no one talked to him anymore and he was on strict orders not to talk to the press anymore. That ruffled his feathers, he knew that the "Others", did not trust him, nor did any of his Secret Service. The Secret Service was always on his case about wandering off and talking to the commoners. Bush knew what he had to do, Run away! Not permanently, but for a vacation. Hell, he thought to himself, Iraq is going great, New Orleans is almost back to normal, and China was getting along better with U.S. interests now more than ever. "It's all good!" he said aloud to himself. Where am I gonna go where I can get away. Then he thought about his body double at the Press Corp. Dinner, I use him and I can leave and no one will know the difference. Bush patted himself on the back for being such a genius.
Bush called the impersonator personally and invited him up to the office. The man arrived about 45 minutes later, he was sheepish and asked Bush what he could do for him. Bush then told him he was on a super duper secret mission and that the man would be paid well to just sit in the office and pretend to be him. The man then asked how much it would pay and Bush told him a gazillion dollars at least. The man then told Bush he would take about 10 grand for the job, Bush then asked what a grand was. Bush told him he would pay whatever the man asked. They shook hands and then Bush went to the presidential safe, he looked at his hand and read the splotchy ink combination that he had written on his palm with a sharpie. Once the great monolithic safe was opened he went in and grabbed a stack of money that he had placed their after Christmas. Bush had found the money and it was one of the greatest moments in his life. He told no one about his find fearing that if one of his advisors heard of it they would make him put it back. Bush had found the money in a game box that had been left over years ago by one of his daughters friends. He had figured that it was supposed to be a secret campaign contribution, so he kept silent. The money was neatly stacked in sets of different denominations, neatly placed with paper bands around each denomination. He grabbed them all, about 200,000 dollars. what he would need the money for he couldn't tell, but he was going to spend it. He snuck out through the bomb shelter, then donned a fake beard and fedora. He made it out of the tunnel and past Pennsylvania avenue. He looked and saw a cab, Bush jumped up and down estatically until the cab pulled over. The driver asked him "where to?" Bush then told him he wanted to go to someplace exciting. The cab sped away down Pennsylvania avenue into the dense fog.
The body double was doing just fine, Cheney had asked him to cover him while he went home and watched torture videos while Lynn was out," A little me time." Cheney said. The Bush alike said "Go right ahead, I've got ya' covered."
Cheney smiled and took off without a goodbye.
The cab stopped outside of a Nightclub called the Candy Store, the cabbie then looked at Bush and told him,"Mister, if you can't find what you are looking for here, you ain't gonna find it nowhere." Bush smiled and pulled out his wad of cash and handed the cabbie a 50. The cabbie then got out of the car and walked back to open the door for Bush. Bush stepped out and like a bolt from the blue the cabbie struck him in the face with his fist. Bush dropped to the ground like a sack of garbage, he nose was bleeding, his eyes welled up with tears. George had never been hit like that before, the closest he had came was when Cheney constantly bitch slapped him for a stupid remark.
The cabbie then yelled,"How dare you try and pay me with god damned monopoly money!" " Gas is so expensive and I gotta pay the fare you bum!" The cabbie then kicked Bush in the head a few times, then when he was winded and could no longer handle Bush's feminine cries, and squeals; he stepped back into the cab. Bush had never had to handle money, he didn't even know what it really looked like, it wasn't his fault that the money in the game box was play money. He got up brushed himself off and went into the club. A very nice looking young lady dressed like a French maid was hostess at the club, She came over and inquired if Bush was a member, Bush quickly replied that he was. He walked in and the place had an odd smell to it , like locker room mixed with incense. Bush remembered that smell from his days in the Skulls. He walked in and the sign said, Welcome Swingers. Bush looked at it and was glad to see that golfers were the clientele of this business.
As he walked through the club, He saw an old friend of his Matt Drudge, was lying on a torture table with three Fabio look alikes dressed as priests, they were yelling at him and telling him that he was a bad boy. Drudge was happy to see George there. "You coming over to the dark side?" Matt asked 'W'. George then looked at the scene before him and said "I am in the wrong place Matty boy and I think you are too." Matt then said,"Well if you are looking for Rove, he is in the back dressed up like Shirley Temple and he is singing to a group of Illegal immigrants he bought for the day at the day labor corner." George couldn't help himself, he walked to the back down a hallway that was pitch black to see his best friend Karl. As he walked down the hall he could see nothing, then to his horror he felt hands grabbing him in the dark, the hands which were many started to grope and massage him. "W" was starting to feel a wave of nausea overcome him, his head was light and his knees weak, he tried to scream and run but was gripped by the icy hand of fear. It was one of those moments in life where he had to become his superhero alter ego, "The Decider!" He ripped off his beard, then took off his shoe and started beating away the hands, he could hear muffled winces of pain and feminie yells, that reminded him of something strangely familiar. He had to know, he flung himself forward using his hands to guide him, at that moment he found the light switch , his salvation. "Let there be light," he screamed as tears burned hotly down his face, his eyes were red hot and filled with terror and tears, they stung but what was to come would blind him. The lights came on and on the floor laying in the same state as they came into the world were people that he knew, Barbara Bush, Lynne Cheney, Harriet Miers, Scalia, Rummsfeld, and wearing a thong and pasties was Michael Chertoff sitting on Dick Cheney's lap whispering sexual sweet nothings. Chertoff giggled like a girl, Cheney was patting the horrible bright orange wig on his head, Cheney then said softly, "Mickey, you make me feel like my heart is going to explode!" Bush then at seeing the horror , collapsed. Barbara Bush jumped out of the pile of sweaty bodies and ran to him, she clutched him in her bossom and stroked his hair. Bush came to and looked up with his mother naked caressing him, he screamed in her face and broke loose her grip. A grip of a gorilla, it was vice like and almost impossible, but his will was strong. He ran and fell into the next room, upon entering much to his horror he saw Karl. Rove was standing on a chair with a little girls style of dress on, he wore a wig with Shirley temple curls, button down Buster Brown shoes and little frilly socks. Bush felt the wind being knocked out of him, as he watched in horror, Rove danced around singing the "Good Ship Lollipop" he was strutting around licking an oversized lollipop erotically in front of the migrant workers being held there at gunpoint by 2 secret service men. The room was hot and humid, Rove was sweating like a can of cold beer out in the sun, his mascara ran down his face and his lipstick was smeared. Underneath the hot lights Rove danced madly smiling in a sickly forced expression. Bush felt the heat affecting him, he needed to escape, he, to his luck saw an emergency escape. Without hesitation he bolted for the door. Pushing with all his might he made it through, and fell to the cool ground below, he had never felt such relief, the rain danced on him as he lay on the cool ground and took in the moment. He arose and walked to the road. He was swaggering, this time it was unintentional, usually he forces a swagger, but this time it was due to his body trying to adjust to the rain and poor visibility after the steamy oven he had broken away from. He walked towards the Bus stop. There he stood waiting to catch a bus. He had never before ridden one, but considering the cicumstances, he needed to get home.
He sat down on the bus bench and wondered to himself. He thought deeply about his situation and thought that the world out there was sick, it was right to destroy it, nobody mattered, nobody cared for him, his own mother put the moves on him and it had gone too far, what disgusted him the most was that he was revolted by Barbara's actions, yet turned on at the same time. The bus came to a slow stop and the door made a tired screach as it opened, then Bush once again pulled out his wad of Monopoly Money as he entered the transport. Seconds it opened again and Bush fell into a puddle after being thrown off the vehicle by the driver for trying to rip him off for a free ride. Bush started to cry, just then a car pulled up and the window rolled down, "C'mon baby, get in the car." Barbara Bush cooed softly. "Jr. Ya know Momma loves ya' !" Bush got into the Lincoln Continental and started to cry, he thought to himself that this was not a good day, no not a good day indeed.
EPILOGUE: The White House will now try and eliminate press briefings so the puplic will not be informed of their hedonistic goings on.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Bush's Bible Study
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George Bush ran to the mailbox, it was spring in D.C., and he had waited his six to eight weeks for delivery on his secret package. He burned with anticipation every day waiting for his treasure to arrive, not telling a soul of it. Today was the day, it was here, the box was wrapped in white paper and on it read a return address from Revelation Ministries. He carefully opened the wrapper as not to rip the delicate white paper he deemed to be holy paper, probably blessed and cleansed by god, he thought. Lifting the lid off of the box, he nimbly pulled away the bubble wrap that contained his dear gift. He found himself popping the bubble wrap, he could not control himself as he went row by row,pop, pop, pop, pop. Then a moment of self awareness struck him, what are you doing wasting time popping these bubbles individually he thought, he threw the bubble wrap down on the sidewalk and proceeded to jump up and down on the packing material until he had decimated all the remaining bubbles. The Secret service hated this quirk of W's, the first time he was jumping on bubble wrap they thought he was under fire and serpentining to avoid a gunshot. Now it was second nature to them, the agents had to take training classes to differentiate from the sounds of popping plastic bubbles and gunfire. George then reached into the box, the first item he grabbed was a bumper sticker that read," CAUTION.... When Rapture Comes, This Vehicle Will Be Unmanned!" Bush loved that sticker and wanted one the first time he saw it, he thought how cool it would be to get sucked up into heaven and have is Limo run over a few of the non-believers. "Hell, that'll show them damned heathens!" he thought. He placed the sticker off to the side and grabbed his beacon of light, the prize which he had been waiting for, the comic book of the end days titled," Rapture Comics". He had been collecting the comic series put out by the church so he could learn all about the last days. This week's issue was,"The Whore of Babylon strikes!" Damn he loved these books, they make it so easy to learn bout' the bible. As he walked up the stairs he saw Dick Cheney, Dick looked down at the comic and asked George bluntly," George, you expanding your reading skills to a higher level?" Bush then said proudly,"Hell yeah, I am reading about a part of the bible that is probably gonna happen in 2 or 3 years." Dick then told Bush how proud he was of him to move up from Marmaduke comics to something more advanced. Dick patted him on the back and told him to go inside and take a few days off to read his book, and that he, Cheney would take care of everything like usual. Bush skipped away and then ran up the stairs, locked the door to the bedroom and fell beside the bed onto the floor and pulled a pillow up to his chest as he lay on his belly. He stared at the cover
hypnotized by it, he opened the first page.
Bush loved Revelations and stories of the apocalypse, he felt like it was his duty to try and ready god,s house so that the Rapture could come in his lifetime. It was the one thing Bush had done extremely well during his presidency. Laura Bush jiggled the door and managed to unlock it, she walked in and saw George was reading is Last Days comic book. Laura calmly and with great repose asked W if he realized that Revelations was an allegory for the Battle of the Megado fields and that it had actually taken place thousands of years ago. She told George that it was just a historical lesson on the elements to multi nation war, to be studied as a warning to the destruction that war brings. George laughed and Laura knew that she had used too many big words.
George read his comic book soaking in every word he could understand, the others he just made up meanings for, a tactic that he found useful his whole life. Laura left him in his silent study and thought about her life and what would it had been like if she actually had traveled the road not taken. That was her regret, she knew that life offered more than sluggish talk with her husband about brush needing to be cleared and weeds poppin' up in the yard. She dreamed of the days of beat poets and men dressed in black whom would seduce the English language like a goddess, words and rhythm falling off the tongue like honey, men that actually read books of substance. the young men that would come into the library and check out Faulkner, Steinbeck, and Shakespeare. Oh they would ask her out but she was too shy, and always self conscious. How a man like George became her husband had always been a mystery to everyone that knew her, but not to the rabbit that died after that drunken night in the roadhouse with an awol pilot.
George read his comic cover to cover, then got down by the toilet and started to pray. He said in his most humble tone he could muster,"Dear Jesus, I know you're a busy dude but I got a couple of requests and I think you owe me a few for all the work I have done in your name, hell I killed at least 30,000 heathen Iraqi's. About that Katrina thing I am sure if you had wanted to save those people you could have, they must not have been good Christians the way I figure. My mistake was thinkin' you was gonna perform a miracle after the storm, that's why I waited. I didn't want to step on your glory, but I figure you felt "those" people probably had it comin and needed a little sufferin to keep them humble." "Well anyway I called you today to ask for you to make the people love me again, they say I am the most hated president since Hoover. I need you to spread a little of your Jesus magic dust on me to win back the support of the people. I have to start the apocalypse so the world will be rid of the sinners, and I am having a hard time doing it now, half the party is against me too. I don't want to come off like a Hitler about this Jew thing, so you gotta try and influence them all back to the holy land so it can all start. They are your people, hell you was a Rabbi, so you know em' better than I do. So if you could do those things for me I will make sure that I give you props on it, like I did on the invasion of Iraq. We showed them heathens a thing or two, didn't we? One more thing, could you not tell Laura about this, she thinks we need to pray for peace and love and all that crap." "Well big guy, thanks and tell your old man that the W-man says hey." Bush then got up and felt relieved. He was pumped and filled with vigor , like he had been struck by some Jesus energy beam. Just then smoke wafted in and the air tempature became excruciatingly hot, Bush started to sweat, off in the distance the sounds of souls in torment could be heard screaming, but only at a whisper level. Around the corner walked in Dick Cheney,"Hey "W", Dick said smugly," I just talked with our holy father and he said that he can grant you those wishes, but it will require some more blood. You know a contract is a contract." " Also you have to unify completely with the atheistic society of China. Basically sell the soul of the U.S. to them, as yours was to the holy one." "Well hell Dick," Bush said with a great grin that went ear to ear, I am already ahead of you on that, Hu is comin back Monday to talk about China ownin' our Banks and Debt." Everything is in it's place Dick thought, and told his minion,"Good job George, you will destroy this world as we know it."
Bush thought, "And the citizens say I am a do nothing president, I'll show em', I'll show em' all!"
George Bush ran to the mailbox, it was spring in D.C., and he had waited his six to eight weeks for delivery on his secret package. He burned with anticipation every day waiting for his treasure to arrive, not telling a soul of it. Today was the day, it was here, the box was wrapped in white paper and on it read a return address from Revelation Ministries. He carefully opened the wrapper as not to rip the delicate white paper he deemed to be holy paper, probably blessed and cleansed by god, he thought. Lifting the lid off of the box, he nimbly pulled away the bubble wrap that contained his dear gift. He found himself popping the bubble wrap, he could not control himself as he went row by row,pop, pop, pop, pop. Then a moment of self awareness struck him, what are you doing wasting time popping these bubbles individually he thought, he threw the bubble wrap down on the sidewalk and proceeded to jump up and down on the packing material until he had decimated all the remaining bubbles. The Secret service hated this quirk of W's, the first time he was jumping on bubble wrap they thought he was under fire and serpentining to avoid a gunshot. Now it was second nature to them, the agents had to take training classes to differentiate from the sounds of popping plastic bubbles and gunfire. George then reached into the box, the first item he grabbed was a bumper sticker that read," CAUTION.... When Rapture Comes, This Vehicle Will Be Unmanned!" Bush loved that sticker and wanted one the first time he saw it, he thought how cool it would be to get sucked up into heaven and have is Limo run over a few of the non-believers. "Hell, that'll show them damned heathens!" he thought. He placed the sticker off to the side and grabbed his beacon of light, the prize which he had been waiting for, the comic book of the end days titled," Rapture Comics". He had been collecting the comic series put out by the church so he could learn all about the last days. This week's issue was,"The Whore of Babylon strikes!" Damn he loved these books, they make it so easy to learn bout' the bible. As he walked up the stairs he saw Dick Cheney, Dick looked down at the comic and asked George bluntly," George, you expanding your reading skills to a higher level?" Bush then said proudly,"Hell yeah, I am reading about a part of the bible that is probably gonna happen in 2 or 3 years." Dick then told Bush how proud he was of him to move up from Marmaduke comics to something more advanced. Dick patted him on the back and told him to go inside and take a few days off to read his book, and that he, Cheney would take care of everything like usual. Bush skipped away and then ran up the stairs, locked the door to the bedroom and fell beside the bed onto the floor and pulled a pillow up to his chest as he lay on his belly. He stared at the cover
hypnotized by it, he opened the first page.
Bush loved Revelations and stories of the apocalypse, he felt like it was his duty to try and ready god,s house so that the Rapture could come in his lifetime. It was the one thing Bush had done extremely well during his presidency. Laura Bush jiggled the door and managed to unlock it, she walked in and saw George was reading is Last Days comic book. Laura calmly and with great repose asked W if he realized that Revelations was an allegory for the Battle of the Megado fields and that it had actually taken place thousands of years ago. She told George that it was just a historical lesson on the elements to multi nation war, to be studied as a warning to the destruction that war brings. George laughed and Laura knew that she had used too many big words.
George read his comic book soaking in every word he could understand, the others he just made up meanings for, a tactic that he found useful his whole life. Laura left him in his silent study and thought about her life and what would it had been like if she actually had traveled the road not taken. That was her regret, she knew that life offered more than sluggish talk with her husband about brush needing to be cleared and weeds poppin' up in the yard. She dreamed of the days of beat poets and men dressed in black whom would seduce the English language like a goddess, words and rhythm falling off the tongue like honey, men that actually read books of substance. the young men that would come into the library and check out Faulkner, Steinbeck, and Shakespeare. Oh they would ask her out but she was too shy, and always self conscious. How a man like George became her husband had always been a mystery to everyone that knew her, but not to the rabbit that died after that drunken night in the roadhouse with an awol pilot.
George read his comic cover to cover, then got down by the toilet and started to pray. He said in his most humble tone he could muster,"Dear Jesus, I know you're a busy dude but I got a couple of requests and I think you owe me a few for all the work I have done in your name, hell I killed at least 30,000 heathen Iraqi's. About that Katrina thing I am sure if you had wanted to save those people you could have, they must not have been good Christians the way I figure. My mistake was thinkin' you was gonna perform a miracle after the storm, that's why I waited. I didn't want to step on your glory, but I figure you felt "those" people probably had it comin and needed a little sufferin to keep them humble." "Well anyway I called you today to ask for you to make the people love me again, they say I am the most hated president since Hoover. I need you to spread a little of your Jesus magic dust on me to win back the support of the people. I have to start the apocalypse so the world will be rid of the sinners, and I am having a hard time doing it now, half the party is against me too. I don't want to come off like a Hitler about this Jew thing, so you gotta try and influence them all back to the holy land so it can all start. They are your people, hell you was a Rabbi, so you know em' better than I do. So if you could do those things for me I will make sure that I give you props on it, like I did on the invasion of Iraq. We showed them heathens a thing or two, didn't we? One more thing, could you not tell Laura about this, she thinks we need to pray for peace and love and all that crap." "Well big guy, thanks and tell your old man that the W-man says hey." Bush then got up and felt relieved. He was pumped and filled with vigor , like he had been struck by some Jesus energy beam. Just then smoke wafted in and the air tempature became excruciatingly hot, Bush started to sweat, off in the distance the sounds of souls in torment could be heard screaming, but only at a whisper level. Around the corner walked in Dick Cheney,"Hey "W", Dick said smugly," I just talked with our holy father and he said that he can grant you those wishes, but it will require some more blood. You know a contract is a contract." " Also you have to unify completely with the atheistic society of China. Basically sell the soul of the U.S. to them, as yours was to the holy one." "Well hell Dick," Bush said with a great grin that went ear to ear, I am already ahead of you on that, Hu is comin back Monday to talk about China ownin' our Banks and Debt." Everything is in it's place Dick thought, and told his minion,"Good job George, you will destroy this world as we know it."
Bush thought, "And the citizens say I am a do nothing president, I'll show em', I'll show em' all!"
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Heroes and villains
www.radicalrags.com www.mirthcanal.com
Bush sat in his private study, the dim light cast shadows about the room, some seemed to dance and move with the turn of his eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he was so bored. He tried finding pictures in the wood grain of his desk, but his A.D.D. wouldn't let him focus long enough. He wanted to call Laura up to talk to her but was tired of the constant lectures about right decisions and human life and all of her" religiosity." He just wanted to ramble about surface issues, nothing deep, he hated indepth, reflective conversation. Condi was great at just talking about material things, but she was off to her health spa gettin'' "healthified". So, he broke down and called Rove, Rummy, and Chertoff. Rove walked in, his eyes pooled up," Gee George, I am so glad you called we don't ever get to spend time together anymore like we used to." Bush told him that Rummy was on his way with Chertoff. Rove's happy girlish pluck disintegrated into sour snappiness. "What do you need these guys here for?, I am all the man.. I mean Help you need." Bush looked at him clueless to Rove's secret inner desire, the flame that burned hot like lit coal inside him. Rove had to use all his discipline to hide his love that the world would shame. Rummy came in with a gaunt Chertoff, Mike looked like he had been freebasing again, rings under his eyes, hair thinning and windblown. George asked bluntly, "Mike, are you on the snow machine again? You know, are you turning into a blow monkey again?" "No," Chertoff said with great offense to the remark," I am not on the powder if that is what you mean." Mike knew that he wasn't lying, he told them he wasn't doing the powdered form, and Bush didn't ask him if he was on crack, just blow; so he was being truthful.
"The reason I called you here today is that I have a great problem that needs to be solved, who do you guys think is the greatest superhero of all time?" Bush asked with direction towards all three men . Rummy looked at "W" with disbelief, "Are you serious George?" Bush replied,"Serious as a heart attack on a fat angry man." Just then a voice from the closet said,"I heard that! You're talking about me." The voice was Cheney's and he came out of the broom closet redfaced and sweaty. "I knew you'd backstab me you little piece of monkey spunk!"
"Now hold on there Dick, we were not speaking of you, we were about to discuss our favorite heroes." Chertoff said with a shaky demeanor that was either withdrawal, or fear. "Oh, sorry, I thought for sure you guys were talking about the 7 billion dollars of missing money from defense spending to Haliburton." Rummy then looked shocked,"There is money missing from the defense budget, and it is unaccounted for?" Cheney then looked over at Rummy, cleared his throat and said with a rapid fire delivery," There was money that got lost on paper, but it is the paper that got misplaced, when we find it we will be able to file that paper away." Rummy looked confused for a second then shook his head and said,"Hey, that is why we have a general accounting office." Everyone gave a big"Here, Here.", in agreement.
" Well back to my question, " Bush probed the group. Dick told Bush he ought to tell everyone whom his favorite hero was, Bush quickly replied that it was Captain Marvel, when Billy Batson would yell Shazam, and turn into Shazam man, or Captain Marvel it was so cool. Chertoff harumhped, "Capt. Marvel is so gay, those yellow spandex and red lightning bolt, gay gay gay. " Bush was pissed,"First off, it was a red suit, then it was yellow lightning bolt." Chertoff then said," 'W' I stand corrected, about his suit, but he is still a flamer." Bush then retorted angrily, "You would know, Mike you have Gaydar, you even said Dick was into guys." Dick looked over at Mike, Mike trembled at the ferocity of Dicks facial expression, Chertoff then thought he should have never told Bush that, now his life hangs in the balance and he had to repair this quickly. "Now dammit George, I said Rove loves Dick, not the other way around." Bush then mulled it over,"O.K., maybe but only if you say Shazam isn't gay." Chertoff agreed and could actually go the rest of his life without looking over his shoulder. Bush then asked Mike his favorite hero, Mike gave a lot of thought, then replied Reed Richards, Mr. Incredible off of the Fantastic 4. Everyone laughed," That's because he is skinny, like you." Bush snapped back. Chertoff venomously fired back and said,"Well at least he doesn't have a boy protege like Shazam! That is soooo gay!" Bush laughed, Reed Richards, he thought, Chertoff didn't know what kind of geek he was. It was Rummy's turn, without hesitation he said firmly," Nick Fury, and his Howling Commandos." Bush told Rummy that is why he is running the military. Finally it was Cheney's turn, now Dick was not to quick, he hemmed and hawed, finally he spit it out," Bat-Girl." "Bat-Girl?" Everybody responded in unison, why Bat-Girl. "Well, "Dick said with face flushed,"My wife wouldn't allow any men's magazines in the house, so I would go and buy Bat-girl comics pretending they were for my daughter, you all know the one of which I speak but dare not speak her name." The men nodded with agreement. Cheney went on to describe how he would rub one off in the bathroom to the sexy drawings of Bat-Girl. Many was the day where she was Dick's fantasy lover. "Wow, a side to you I have never seen." Rummy said.
"Hey any of you remember the actress that played Barbara Gordon aka Bat-girl on the t.v. series?" Bush questioned. "Yeah wasn't she kidnapped by some deranged stalker and kept in some weird lair for months chained up while her assailant never showed his face and hid in the shadows." Chertoff said. "Yeah that guy was some kind of sicko, she never acted again after she was released from his lair."Rummy said. Cheney then added,"Yeah, I heard profilers say that guy wasn't as sick as the media made him out to be, just misunderstood." Rummy looked irritated as if Cheney was jacking with him,"Where did you hear such a stupid report?" Cheney was angry, his face was beet red and he tried to explain that we must not judge too harshly before getting all the facts. Cheney then gave up, it was almost as impossible as trying to get Barbara Gordon to Love him. Cheney left the room in disgust and went to his car, he sat thinking back about Bat-girl, maybe I should have kidnapped Julie Newmar instead. He then slapped in Bonnie Raitt's c.d., cued it to track 4, softly Bonnie Raitt's voice started to sing "I can't make you love me if you don't." Cheney then pulled out a copy of the X-men comics out from under the seat, Jean Grey really did it for him. As he stared at the picture he was feeling electric, alive, and lusting. Bush walked out later that early evening and saw Dicks car with the windows all steamed up, then he saw Dick's hand press against the window. Bush thought Dick was waving to him so he waved back with a smile, "See ya' tomorrow Dicky boy." Cheney could not hear "W's" goodbye, he was busy tripping the light fantastic with Jean Grey.
Bush sat in his private study, the dim light cast shadows about the room, some seemed to dance and move with the turn of his eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he was so bored. He tried finding pictures in the wood grain of his desk, but his A.D.D. wouldn't let him focus long enough. He wanted to call Laura up to talk to her but was tired of the constant lectures about right decisions and human life and all of her" religiosity." He just wanted to ramble about surface issues, nothing deep, he hated indepth, reflective conversation. Condi was great at just talking about material things, but she was off to her health spa gettin'' "healthified". So, he broke down and called Rove, Rummy, and Chertoff. Rove walked in, his eyes pooled up," Gee George, I am so glad you called we don't ever get to spend time together anymore like we used to." Bush told him that Rummy was on his way with Chertoff. Rove's happy girlish pluck disintegrated into sour snappiness. "What do you need these guys here for?, I am all the man.. I mean Help you need." Bush looked at him clueless to Rove's secret inner desire, the flame that burned hot like lit coal inside him. Rove had to use all his discipline to hide his love that the world would shame. Rummy came in with a gaunt Chertoff, Mike looked like he had been freebasing again, rings under his eyes, hair thinning and windblown. George asked bluntly, "Mike, are you on the snow machine again? You know, are you turning into a blow monkey again?" "No," Chertoff said with great offense to the remark," I am not on the powder if that is what you mean." Mike knew that he wasn't lying, he told them he wasn't doing the powdered form, and Bush didn't ask him if he was on crack, just blow; so he was being truthful.
"The reason I called you here today is that I have a great problem that needs to be solved, who do you guys think is the greatest superhero of all time?" Bush asked with direction towards all three men . Rummy looked at "W" with disbelief, "Are you serious George?" Bush replied,"Serious as a heart attack on a fat angry man." Just then a voice from the closet said,"I heard that! You're talking about me." The voice was Cheney's and he came out of the broom closet redfaced and sweaty. "I knew you'd backstab me you little piece of monkey spunk!"
"Now hold on there Dick, we were not speaking of you, we were about to discuss our favorite heroes." Chertoff said with a shaky demeanor that was either withdrawal, or fear. "Oh, sorry, I thought for sure you guys were talking about the 7 billion dollars of missing money from defense spending to Haliburton." Rummy then looked shocked,"There is money missing from the defense budget, and it is unaccounted for?" Cheney then looked over at Rummy, cleared his throat and said with a rapid fire delivery," There was money that got lost on paper, but it is the paper that got misplaced, when we find it we will be able to file that paper away." Rummy looked confused for a second then shook his head and said,"Hey, that is why we have a general accounting office." Everyone gave a big"Here, Here.", in agreement.
" Well back to my question, " Bush probed the group. Dick told Bush he ought to tell everyone whom his favorite hero was, Bush quickly replied that it was Captain Marvel, when Billy Batson would yell Shazam, and turn into Shazam man, or Captain Marvel it was so cool. Chertoff harumhped, "Capt. Marvel is so gay, those yellow spandex and red lightning bolt, gay gay gay. " Bush was pissed,"First off, it was a red suit, then it was yellow lightning bolt." Chertoff then said," 'W' I stand corrected, about his suit, but he is still a flamer." Bush then retorted angrily, "You would know, Mike you have Gaydar, you even said Dick was into guys." Dick looked over at Mike, Mike trembled at the ferocity of Dicks facial expression, Chertoff then thought he should have never told Bush that, now his life hangs in the balance and he had to repair this quickly. "Now dammit George, I said Rove loves Dick, not the other way around." Bush then mulled it over,"O.K., maybe but only if you say Shazam isn't gay." Chertoff agreed and could actually go the rest of his life without looking over his shoulder. Bush then asked Mike his favorite hero, Mike gave a lot of thought, then replied Reed Richards, Mr. Incredible off of the Fantastic 4. Everyone laughed," That's because he is skinny, like you." Bush snapped back. Chertoff venomously fired back and said,"Well at least he doesn't have a boy protege like Shazam! That is soooo gay!" Bush laughed, Reed Richards, he thought, Chertoff didn't know what kind of geek he was. It was Rummy's turn, without hesitation he said firmly," Nick Fury, and his Howling Commandos." Bush told Rummy that is why he is running the military. Finally it was Cheney's turn, now Dick was not to quick, he hemmed and hawed, finally he spit it out," Bat-Girl." "Bat-Girl?" Everybody responded in unison, why Bat-Girl. "Well, "Dick said with face flushed,"My wife wouldn't allow any men's magazines in the house, so I would go and buy Bat-girl comics pretending they were for my daughter, you all know the one of which I speak but dare not speak her name." The men nodded with agreement. Cheney went on to describe how he would rub one off in the bathroom to the sexy drawings of Bat-Girl. Many was the day where she was Dick's fantasy lover. "Wow, a side to you I have never seen." Rummy said.
"Hey any of you remember the actress that played Barbara Gordon aka Bat-girl on the t.v. series?" Bush questioned. "Yeah wasn't she kidnapped by some deranged stalker and kept in some weird lair for months chained up while her assailant never showed his face and hid in the shadows." Chertoff said. "Yeah that guy was some kind of sicko, she never acted again after she was released from his lair."Rummy said. Cheney then added,"Yeah, I heard profilers say that guy wasn't as sick as the media made him out to be, just misunderstood." Rummy looked irritated as if Cheney was jacking with him,"Where did you hear such a stupid report?" Cheney was angry, his face was beet red and he tried to explain that we must not judge too harshly before getting all the facts. Cheney then gave up, it was almost as impossible as trying to get Barbara Gordon to Love him. Cheney left the room in disgust and went to his car, he sat thinking back about Bat-girl, maybe I should have kidnapped Julie Newmar instead. He then slapped in Bonnie Raitt's c.d., cued it to track 4, softly Bonnie Raitt's voice started to sing "I can't make you love me if you don't." Cheney then pulled out a copy of the X-men comics out from under the seat, Jean Grey really did it for him. As he stared at the picture he was feeling electric, alive, and lusting. Bush walked out later that early evening and saw Dicks car with the windows all steamed up, then he saw Dick's hand press against the window. Bush thought Dick was waving to him so he waved back with a smile, "See ya' tomorrow Dicky boy." Cheney could not hear "W's" goodbye, he was busy tripping the light fantastic with Jean Grey.
Monday, April 17, 2006
When Rummy Cries
www.radicalrags.com www.mirthcanal.com
Warm winds blew softly carrying the new smell of blossoming cherry trees. The scent of Lilacs hung in the dewy morning wafting and intermingling with the essence of the cherry blossoms. Don's eyes were tearing up, Scott McClellan spying Rummy said with assurance," Don don't cry, the press isn't going to bite on what the Generals have to say, we've got great spin on this, you will be golden after today!" "Why you simpering maggot, it is the hayfever that is making my eyes water, goddamned flowers are killing me." Rummy said in a trite tone. "Let's just get this f#$king charade over with so I can go back to the office and crack out on the last level of Grand Theft Auto." McClellan was surprised at Rummy's apathy towards the upcoming firing squad of reporters he had to face. "You know I made it through San Andreas without any cheats, let's see those Generals do that." Rummy was letting his ego talk " I will beat the game in a record 8 hours." Scott knew it was an out and out lie, it had been 9 months Don had been playing that game, ignoring meetings and constantly ditching out on key military briefings. Rummy had become obsessed when Ashcroft tried to ban the game, Rummy took it home started playing and was hooked. He really loved the fact that he could beat prostitutes to death with a baseball bat, that was his favorite feature of the game.
The press conference was brutal, Rummy was a thesaurus of explainations , all meaning "I don't know." He made it through the day suffering the slings and arrows of his detractors. Inside his mind he thought, " That stupid rube has got to fire me now, how much longer do I have to take this punishment, I feel like the middle child always rewriting what Cheney and Bush say to each other. " Rummy thought about dark skinned ladies in grass skirts with the sounds of Don Ho gently streaming in the background, the sound of the ocean waves in his mind mezmerized him, so much so he could smell coconut sun tan lotion and salty air. He was calm again and knew it was time to head back and finish what he had started so long ago, the final level on Grand Theft Auto. It was the only thing he had been avble to do in years with out wandering eyes and monday morning quarterbacks, and that moment was all his. No one would ever come between the special time he had between he and his Ps2. Bush was an X-Box guy, but Rummy was a loyal man not willing to trade off for the first newfangled thing to come along, like lightweight body armor. A piece of gum stuck to his shoe and left a rotted tail of gum stretched out and like a tentacle it was picking up leaves and wrappers, carrying them along with every stride of his shoes movement. The rain poured harder, it fell in hard sheets, Rummy was soaked but nothing was going to stop him from "His" time. Which was about 23 hours out of the 24 . He strolled into his office and saluted a photo of his idol, Mr. GreenJeans. No one knew the reason for Don's strange affinity towards the former Captain Kangaroo star, and no one wanted to ask. He threw his wet coat on the back of a Lazy Boy recliner, then grabbed a bag of hot dogs, turkey flavored. He threw the hot dogs into a microwave, then sat down and turned on his electronic mayhem. He told the secretary that he was not to be disturbed unless it was urgent, and he would be in meetings all day
A phone call came into Rummy's office, Don picked it up on the first ring. He was hoping it was Publishers Clearing House, he had tried for 27 years to win that contest, now that McMahon was no longer associated with it he felt he had a better chance of winning. "You may have already won" was the slogan of PCH and Don had adopted it to his politics. It was one that he used in the Iraq campaign consistently when speaking to the Pentagon. The phone call was just to notify Don that Scott was leaving. "That guy is nothing but pantywaste," Don huffed,"McClellan stumbled more than a one legged drunk during those press conferences." Don searched his mind for the good times they had together, he couldn't think of one. "I won't miss that weasel," Don told his aide," In fact, all that guy did was make us look bad, he was the Pillsbury Dough Boy with the smoothness of a crack addicted birthday clown." Just then 'W" came to the door,"Donny boy, I need your help!" he said out of breath. "I am meeting with Presidente' Hu from China and I need to know how to keep my ratings from dropping into the basement." Don tried to not think linear and approach this situation like Nixon would, Dick knew how to deal with the Maoist regime and kept them at bay. " First, you must not let them push you around, the Chinese respect an adversary who is their superior, then you tell them nothing is in stone and we will run that by our committees before we make any decision, approach them like that and you will be able to look good on camera, and strong." Don gave George good advise. Bush then turned and sighed,"Well if you don't know, then I will just tell him were friends and he can have anything he wants as long as we are allies." He walked out like a kid who was not quite dressed and late for church. Rummy just shook his head and went back to his game, Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas. The sound of machine gun fire broke out as the game was unpaused. The figure on the t.v. pulled out a machine gun and answered the call then jumped on a motor cycle spraying every object in sight. Don was in his element, staying frosty for those urban attack strategy meetings with the Pentagon. Then his bliss was interrupted, Rummy's aide wanted to know if he was going to Scott's going away party. Scott thought about it,"Is it going to cost anything?" " No," the aide said quizzically. Rummy then asked if the food was going to be catered by D.C. Catering, when he got the yes, he was in. "I love their brisquit, it melts in your mouth," he spoke as his mind wandered to the mouth watering texture and taste of the best brisquit in the nation. Rummy then came up with a brainstorm, "Hey, call Cheney, tell him we need to get Fox News to replace McClellan, with them in there we are sure to look good." "I am on it .", the aide said. Don thought the day would be a bad one, but it was all on the up now and there was no turning back.
Warm winds blew softly carrying the new smell of blossoming cherry trees. The scent of Lilacs hung in the dewy morning wafting and intermingling with the essence of the cherry blossoms. Don's eyes were tearing up, Scott McClellan spying Rummy said with assurance," Don don't cry, the press isn't going to bite on what the Generals have to say, we've got great spin on this, you will be golden after today!" "Why you simpering maggot, it is the hayfever that is making my eyes water, goddamned flowers are killing me." Rummy said in a trite tone. "Let's just get this f#$king charade over with so I can go back to the office and crack out on the last level of Grand Theft Auto." McClellan was surprised at Rummy's apathy towards the upcoming firing squad of reporters he had to face. "You know I made it through San Andreas without any cheats, let's see those Generals do that." Rummy was letting his ego talk " I will beat the game in a record 8 hours." Scott knew it was an out and out lie, it had been 9 months Don had been playing that game, ignoring meetings and constantly ditching out on key military briefings. Rummy had become obsessed when Ashcroft tried to ban the game, Rummy took it home started playing and was hooked. He really loved the fact that he could beat prostitutes to death with a baseball bat, that was his favorite feature of the game.
The press conference was brutal, Rummy was a thesaurus of explainations , all meaning "I don't know." He made it through the day suffering the slings and arrows of his detractors. Inside his mind he thought, " That stupid rube has got to fire me now, how much longer do I have to take this punishment, I feel like the middle child always rewriting what Cheney and Bush say to each other. " Rummy thought about dark skinned ladies in grass skirts with the sounds of Don Ho gently streaming in the background, the sound of the ocean waves in his mind mezmerized him, so much so he could smell coconut sun tan lotion and salty air. He was calm again and knew it was time to head back and finish what he had started so long ago, the final level on Grand Theft Auto. It was the only thing he had been avble to do in years with out wandering eyes and monday morning quarterbacks, and that moment was all his. No one would ever come between the special time he had between he and his Ps2. Bush was an X-Box guy, but Rummy was a loyal man not willing to trade off for the first newfangled thing to come along, like lightweight body armor. A piece of gum stuck to his shoe and left a rotted tail of gum stretched out and like a tentacle it was picking up leaves and wrappers, carrying them along with every stride of his shoes movement. The rain poured harder, it fell in hard sheets, Rummy was soaked but nothing was going to stop him from "His" time. Which was about 23 hours out of the 24 . He strolled into his office and saluted a photo of his idol, Mr. GreenJeans. No one knew the reason for Don's strange affinity towards the former Captain Kangaroo star, and no one wanted to ask. He threw his wet coat on the back of a Lazy Boy recliner, then grabbed a bag of hot dogs, turkey flavored. He threw the hot dogs into a microwave, then sat down and turned on his electronic mayhem. He told the secretary that he was not to be disturbed unless it was urgent, and he would be in meetings all day
A phone call came into Rummy's office, Don picked it up on the first ring. He was hoping it was Publishers Clearing House, he had tried for 27 years to win that contest, now that McMahon was no longer associated with it he felt he had a better chance of winning. "You may have already won" was the slogan of PCH and Don had adopted it to his politics. It was one that he used in the Iraq campaign consistently when speaking to the Pentagon. The phone call was just to notify Don that Scott was leaving. "That guy is nothing but pantywaste," Don huffed,"McClellan stumbled more than a one legged drunk during those press conferences." Don searched his mind for the good times they had together, he couldn't think of one. "I won't miss that weasel," Don told his aide," In fact, all that guy did was make us look bad, he was the Pillsbury Dough Boy with the smoothness of a crack addicted birthday clown." Just then 'W" came to the door,"Donny boy, I need your help!" he said out of breath. "I am meeting with Presidente' Hu from China and I need to know how to keep my ratings from dropping into the basement." Don tried to not think linear and approach this situation like Nixon would, Dick knew how to deal with the Maoist regime and kept them at bay. " First, you must not let them push you around, the Chinese respect an adversary who is their superior, then you tell them nothing is in stone and we will run that by our committees before we make any decision, approach them like that and you will be able to look good on camera, and strong." Don gave George good advise. Bush then turned and sighed,"Well if you don't know, then I will just tell him were friends and he can have anything he wants as long as we are allies." He walked out like a kid who was not quite dressed and late for church. Rummy just shook his head and went back to his game, Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas. The sound of machine gun fire broke out as the game was unpaused. The figure on the t.v. pulled out a machine gun and answered the call then jumped on a motor cycle spraying every object in sight. Don was in his element, staying frosty for those urban attack strategy meetings with the Pentagon. Then his bliss was interrupted, Rummy's aide wanted to know if he was going to Scott's going away party. Scott thought about it,"Is it going to cost anything?" " No," the aide said quizzically. Rummy then asked if the food was going to be catered by D.C. Catering, when he got the yes, he was in. "I love their brisquit, it melts in your mouth," he spoke as his mind wandered to the mouth watering texture and taste of the best brisquit in the nation. Rummy then came up with a brainstorm, "Hey, call Cheney, tell him we need to get Fox News to replace McClellan, with them in there we are sure to look good." "I am on it .", the aide said. Don thought the day would be a bad one, but it was all on the up now and there was no turning back.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Delay-ed Vacation
www.RADICALRAGS.com www.MIRTHCANAL.com
Tom Delay sat in his office behind his monolithic mahogany desk. He sat staring out the window and wondering how it all went wrong for him. " I really thought people hated native Americans as much as I did, it is not like they actually have any power anymore, if I had only gone along with Abramoff's idea to give them a a whiskey wagon to keep them occupied while we stole their money, what the hell was I thinking."Delay thought mournfully. With a sigh, he was racing to come up with ideas to make himself feel better. "I know, I'll call up Andy Card and see what he is up to." Delay turned on the intercom and spoke with his small yet agitating voice," Sandy would you get Andy Card on the phone." The intercom was silent, Sandy had quit 2 weeks ago when Delay stepped down, she had quit when Delay had asked her to take the fall for him and do 7 years in jail. "Friends, who the f#$k needs em'!" I can dial him up myself, he reminded himself that he still could slum with the best of them.
Andy accepted Delay's invitation to go to the beach and unwind throw back a few brews and stare at some hotties. Andy was there in an hour, Tom met him at the door ready to go. Card stunned at Delay's get up took a step back. Tom had a neon pink thong on with the waist band so tight his belly looked like a muffin pouring over the top of a paper cup. His thong, banana style was offputting to the normally withdrawn Card. Delay sported black cowboy boots with chains and silver kickers attached, his head sported a blonde mullet wig with a Kanga beret. He had about 20 lbs. of bling on, one of the neckchains had the state of Texas as a medallion, in the center where Austin is located was a 9 caret diamond. The other medallion, a gold Uzi machine gun looked like it had been a custom gift from a gangmember of the Cryps. His T- Shirt was half cut as to show his protruding belly pasty white, with a series of broken vessels that looked like road maps to small southern towns built in a circular style around the court house. Delay then said," Hey Ang', hell am I glad to see ya, I ripped some phat beats off of my Mac so we can hit the beach in style with my boom box. I got a cooler full of Jack Daniels Lemon-ades, and a bottle of Cactus Juice on ice, sure to sport the young ladies." Andy looked confused, " Tom, I thought you called me here for spiritual guidance, what gives?" Delay hesitated and looked at Card with a side glance with only the one eye visible to Andy," Cardo I need you to do me a solid, See I am going to cruise for some hot chics for some sweet action and I need a cover." "Christ , Tom what are you thinking? Everyone is looking to nail you right now, this is the last thing you need." Delay brought out the Hammer inside, "Hey pussy,are you in or are you out?" Card shrugged with an effeminate,"I guess so."
They jumped into Delay's Ferrari, and Delay slipped in one of his discs into the c.d. player. " I could have been Tom the Hammer mix master, listen to my dope pics!" "I don't think I understood a single word you just said." Card shouted over Tom's music mix. The Blaupunkt stereo was jamming out 'Midnight at the Oasis' and Delay was screeching out the vocals as loud as his throat could bear. Andy covering his ears at the 120 decibel output thought that he had made a grave error coming over to see Tom. He now knew why Tom had few friends when money was not involved . They pulled up to the beach of Corpus Christi, the English translation, Corpse of Christ. Odd name for a town thought Card, but there was a strong voter base here of fundamentalist conservatives. Card realizing the comfort of his thought, then turned to Delay in stark horror, "Tom, some one here is going to recognize you, mullet wig or no mullet wig." Delay assured him that it was o.k.,"I have been doing this for years, sometimes I go to truck stops and hook up with lonely truckers, other times I go to the ghettos and crack out on whores and cheap wine, no one has caught me yet, but I want to share my adrenalin rush with some one, you know kind of like a mentor." Card grew increasingly uncomfortable as Delay rambled on. " Yes Andy I want to train some one to carry on my work in case I go to jail, that way I know the good work is being done and in good hands." Andy sheepishly replied, "Tom, I think you have the wrong man, you should have tried Karl Rove, this is more his bag." "Nonsense, just give it a chance and see how you feel at the end of the day." Delay said sternly as he grabbed his boom box and cooler. He sauntered across the parking lot screaming," The meat man has arrived!" He then turned to Card and held out his hand , located square in the palm were two blue pills," Viagra, want some? I took four of these bad boys on the way here." Andy looked down at Delays thong then wished he hadn't. "No thanks Tom, I am not here to wreck my marriage." "F#$k you Andy, neither am I, I am just here to get laid, love has nothing to do with it, I am not going to fall in love with someone else, how dare you!"
Delay took his place on top of a sand dune and turned on his boom box, he had selected Trace Atkins ' Honkeytonk Bedonka Donk' and started his gyrated dancing. Now fully erect he screamed at women as they passed by, undulating towards them in a spastic dance routine that was disturbing, perverse and yet still had the remnants of a rhythmically challenged person trying to dance. Andy stood at the bottom of the dune and told Delay that he was going to catch a bus home. Tom unfazed by Cards remissiveness, turned and yelled,"Fag!" Andy could take no more, "Well at least I don't hang out waiting to have sex with Truckers!" Delay then laughed, "Hey ass bag," he told Card,"They have sex with me!" Andy walked away in the hot sun, tar was sticking to his good shoes, he looked back and saw Tom dealing on an excessively overweight woman with flaming carrot colored hair that was kept in tight curls like a faux afro. He shook his head and wished that he could take the day back. Delay then started his montage of come ons, " Don't I know you?, Are you a model?, Sure your kids will be o.k. alone out here for an hour." After a long year of downs, things were starting to look up for the Hammer. 5 children sat at the foot of the sand dune with promises of ice cream if they stayed put as their mother went behind the dune with Delay. Tom then couldn't help himself, with a Tom Cruise jump and arm sweep, he yelled, "I'm Back!"
Tom Delay sat in his office behind his monolithic mahogany desk. He sat staring out the window and wondering how it all went wrong for him. " I really thought people hated native Americans as much as I did, it is not like they actually have any power anymore, if I had only gone along with Abramoff's idea to give them a a whiskey wagon to keep them occupied while we stole their money, what the hell was I thinking."Delay thought mournfully. With a sigh, he was racing to come up with ideas to make himself feel better. "I know, I'll call up Andy Card and see what he is up to." Delay turned on the intercom and spoke with his small yet agitating voice," Sandy would you get Andy Card on the phone." The intercom was silent, Sandy had quit 2 weeks ago when Delay stepped down, she had quit when Delay had asked her to take the fall for him and do 7 years in jail. "Friends, who the f#$k needs em'!" I can dial him up myself, he reminded himself that he still could slum with the best of them.
Andy accepted Delay's invitation to go to the beach and unwind throw back a few brews and stare at some hotties. Andy was there in an hour, Tom met him at the door ready to go. Card stunned at Delay's get up took a step back. Tom had a neon pink thong on with the waist band so tight his belly looked like a muffin pouring over the top of a paper cup. His thong, banana style was offputting to the normally withdrawn Card. Delay sported black cowboy boots with chains and silver kickers attached, his head sported a blonde mullet wig with a Kanga beret. He had about 20 lbs. of bling on, one of the neckchains had the state of Texas as a medallion, in the center where Austin is located was a 9 caret diamond. The other medallion, a gold Uzi machine gun looked like it had been a custom gift from a gangmember of the Cryps. His T- Shirt was half cut as to show his protruding belly pasty white, with a series of broken vessels that looked like road maps to small southern towns built in a circular style around the court house. Delay then said," Hey Ang', hell am I glad to see ya, I ripped some phat beats off of my Mac so we can hit the beach in style with my boom box. I got a cooler full of Jack Daniels Lemon-ades, and a bottle of Cactus Juice on ice, sure to sport the young ladies." Andy looked confused, " Tom, I thought you called me here for spiritual guidance, what gives?" Delay hesitated and looked at Card with a side glance with only the one eye visible to Andy," Cardo I need you to do me a solid, See I am going to cruise for some hot chics for some sweet action and I need a cover." "Christ , Tom what are you thinking? Everyone is looking to nail you right now, this is the last thing you need." Delay brought out the Hammer inside, "Hey pussy,are you in or are you out?" Card shrugged with an effeminate,"I guess so."
They jumped into Delay's Ferrari, and Delay slipped in one of his discs into the c.d. player. " I could have been Tom the Hammer mix master, listen to my dope pics!" "I don't think I understood a single word you just said." Card shouted over Tom's music mix. The Blaupunkt stereo was jamming out 'Midnight at the Oasis' and Delay was screeching out the vocals as loud as his throat could bear. Andy covering his ears at the 120 decibel output thought that he had made a grave error coming over to see Tom. He now knew why Tom had few friends when money was not involved . They pulled up to the beach of Corpus Christi, the English translation, Corpse of Christ. Odd name for a town thought Card, but there was a strong voter base here of fundamentalist conservatives. Card realizing the comfort of his thought, then turned to Delay in stark horror, "Tom, some one here is going to recognize you, mullet wig or no mullet wig." Delay assured him that it was o.k.,"I have been doing this for years, sometimes I go to truck stops and hook up with lonely truckers, other times I go to the ghettos and crack out on whores and cheap wine, no one has caught me yet, but I want to share my adrenalin rush with some one, you know kind of like a mentor." Card grew increasingly uncomfortable as Delay rambled on. " Yes Andy I want to train some one to carry on my work in case I go to jail, that way I know the good work is being done and in good hands." Andy sheepishly replied, "Tom, I think you have the wrong man, you should have tried Karl Rove, this is more his bag." "Nonsense, just give it a chance and see how you feel at the end of the day." Delay said sternly as he grabbed his boom box and cooler. He sauntered across the parking lot screaming," The meat man has arrived!" He then turned to Card and held out his hand , located square in the palm were two blue pills," Viagra, want some? I took four of these bad boys on the way here." Andy looked down at Delays thong then wished he hadn't. "No thanks Tom, I am not here to wreck my marriage." "F#$k you Andy, neither am I, I am just here to get laid, love has nothing to do with it, I am not going to fall in love with someone else, how dare you!"
Delay took his place on top of a sand dune and turned on his boom box, he had selected Trace Atkins ' Honkeytonk Bedonka Donk' and started his gyrated dancing. Now fully erect he screamed at women as they passed by, undulating towards them in a spastic dance routine that was disturbing, perverse and yet still had the remnants of a rhythmically challenged person trying to dance. Andy stood at the bottom of the dune and told Delay that he was going to catch a bus home. Tom unfazed by Cards remissiveness, turned and yelled,"Fag!" Andy could take no more, "Well at least I don't hang out waiting to have sex with Truckers!" Delay then laughed, "Hey ass bag," he told Card,"They have sex with me!" Andy walked away in the hot sun, tar was sticking to his good shoes, he looked back and saw Tom dealing on an excessively overweight woman with flaming carrot colored hair that was kept in tight curls like a faux afro. He shook his head and wished that he could take the day back. Delay then started his montage of come ons, " Don't I know you?, Are you a model?, Sure your kids will be o.k. alone out here for an hour." After a long year of downs, things were starting to look up for the Hammer. 5 children sat at the foot of the sand dune with promises of ice cream if they stayed put as their mother went behind the dune with Delay. Tom then couldn't help himself, with a Tom Cruise jump and arm sweep, he yelled, "I'm Back!"
Friday, March 31, 2006
Degraders of the Lost Ark
http://www.radicalrags.com http://MirthCanal.com
Rumsfeld walked into McClellan's office, " Hey Scotty, I just saw a program about the Ark of the Covenenant, they say it is still out there, can you imagine what a weapon like that could for our military?" Scotty laughed and replied," Yeah,.. Cheney really believes that crap too, he and Halliburton have spent millions looking for it, taxpayers millions." Rumsfeld was starting to get angry,"Jesus,.. doesn't anyone tell me anything." Bush had been hanging around the corner eavesdropping, he stared with awe at the images racing in his mind. He then cornered Rummy in the hall,"Hey DonnyBoy, you think we could get our hands on this thing?" Rummy looked at him in bewilderment,"You know about this, George?" Bush smirking with that stupid frat boy look said smugly,"Yeah, doesn't everybody?" "Godammit, know one tells me anything! Hell if you know why don't we go try and find this thing!" Bush smiled, this is gonna boost the hell out of my approval ratings, he thought.
After all the plans were made and rechecked, the plane landed in Darfour, it and Ethiopia were the last two known locations according to "legitimate archeologist." "W" was beat after watching all known DVD's of the Wonder Pets and Boo-Bah. "Hell, I sure like that darn turtle on Wonder Pets, he is a smart one figurin' out all those animal's problems." Cheney said,"I hate that god damned show, but for some reason I am strangely aroused by the Boo-Bah creatures. " Scott shook his head, he had brought King Kong to watch but no one was interested, he still had yet to see it. Cheney decided it was time for a pic-nic,"Christ am I starving, I could eat food from a store, that is how hungry I am." Rummy looked around and saw the masses of Darfour citizens starving to death around them laying everywhere, then turned to Cheney and pointed to all the corpses and said," You're starving, well when in Rome....". Rummy and Cheney had a good laugh at that, then afterwards there was an uncomfortable silence that was broken by Cheney clearing his throat and calling out to Scott and "W" to gather around the table and break bread. They sat at a table that had been flown in with a silk covering and fine silver, the first course had been prepared on Air Force One, caviar, Beluga was set down with fine bread for dipping. Cheney's face flushed, he was irritated. Bush asked"Gee Dick what's up? You look like some one crapped in your cereal." Cheney snapped back, "These damn flies are all over my food, but I know what to do about it." Dick then left the table and started for the crowd; which now was being held back by gun point from the soldiers protecting our heroes. He reached into the crowd and dragged a corpse of an elderly woman to the table, flopping her down next to his chair and sat down and smiled. Rummy asked,"What,.. you inviting a guest over for lunch?" then he laughed at how funny he thought that was. Cheney then pointed down to his food,"See, the flies are gone, they found a new place to eat." Bush was amazed at Cheney's brilliance and reached over to pull the woman's body by his chair too. Then Cheney with quick fury reached over and bitch slapped "W" right across the mouth. Bush wailed out in pain, his lip was starting to fatten up and a trickle of blood mixed with saliva hung on the newly made split in the lip. "Get your own corpse!" Cheney screamed,"You don't always have to copy what I do. Bush ran over to the crowd and grabbed a body. He flung it next to him and started to eat his lobster tail. Cheney looked over and laughed, "A child George? Damn you are gauche!" The treasure hunters all finished their meals and topped off the dining experience with chocolate covered truffles. When the champagne was finished they headed for the Land Rovers parked a short distance away with their guides.
One of the guides whom was horrified at the wanton display of gluttony , could not help himself. "With all due respect gentlemen but, would it have been too much to offer at least an ort to a few of the starving children?" Cheney responded quickly,"Yes, it would have." 'W" also put his sagelike wisdom into the mix," Young fella," he said with an arrogant sense of knowledge,"them kids ain't starvin', did you see how fat there bellies were?" Rummy also let the guide know that he wasn't like Cheney, he didn't want an angry guide leading the into some warlords trap,"I threw food to those people." Rumsfeld said defiantly. The guide then told Rummy that lobster shells and hand towels don't count, especially if the person is screaming go away you f#$king zombies to the people he his hitting with such lobster shells. Rummy looked over at Scott and said,"Hey, I tried."
The Land rovers drove well into the night as everyone tried to catch some shut-eye. Then with a lurch and a stop the vehicles shut off their engines. Cheney yawned and stretched his arms out and said this was a waste of time. When Rummy asked why, Cheney explained,"Hell, I don't believe in this thing either but Halliburton is misplacing a lot of money, about 9 billion a year of unaswerable destination so we have to make up something to show for our expenditures. We have this one, "The Ark Project," and also the "Spear Of Destiny," boy would I like to get my hands on that!" " There is also the search for Shangri-La, and not to mention the Fountain of Youth."Cheney went on to tell Rummy and the others that is how Halliburton is able to keep it's books balanced. "W" was not to be trifled with, he swaggered over to Cheney,"Listen, I know you are my boss," he said,"but I would love to have a crack at this, what if everyone is wrong and I am right?" Scott looked over and said "George, we have been saying stuff with conviction for years, how much of it has come true?" George swung around stared at Scott with beady eyes," I got a f#$king mandate, alright?" Scott dropped his head and stared at his shoes, "Alright."; he whispered.
Cheney told them to go ahead without him, he was going to stay back and watch Boo-Bah some more and try and figure out what was making him so aroused by this show, it was only when the little characters came out and danced, he knew that much. He pulled out his traveling DVD player and slapped in the disc, then grabbed his martini maker kit and settled in for some r&r. Bush and the others trekked the trail down to a cave where their was a priest guarding it, the guide said he could go no further. The priest was defiant, "You may only pass this impasse if you take my life, but if you do, then the Ark will destroy you." Rummy then turned and said to "W", " That's a chance I'll have to take. " He then swung around with his walking stick and clocked the elderly man across the head and knocked him to the ground, the three then ran inside and down the trail in the cave." They made it to the end of the cave after 45 minutes of slow descent, then at the bottom was a mysterious passage. Scott took the passage and wrote it down. "It is a clue," he said excitedly. "You mean like Blue's Clues?", George asked feverishly. Scott perplexed asked what Blue's Clues were. "W" went on to tell him of a magical show that allows the viewer to solve problems by looking for hidden clues throughout the show. "It's a great show but them riddles is hard, I always have to wait till the end for them to give me the answer."Bush stated. Scott then told Bush that yes if that is what Blue's Clues were like then this was similar to that. They took the translation back up to the guide whom had been giving the guard first aid to stop the bleeding, "Read this!" Bush demanded. The Guide read the statement to them translated in English,"It is not the end one should prize, but the journey." The guard upon hearing this decided to permanently abandon his post. He told the men," You mean this is what I get beat up for every couple of years? I never got to see it I was told instant death awaited me, for generations we have done the same thing over and over and now I find out it is all wrong." Bush laughed and thought thank god I will never have to feel that way. They all got back to the camp site, Cheney had passed out in a drunken stupor and the DVD player was sstill running with the strange little phallic shape creatures dancing to weird organ music. Scott looked over at the others and said," Hey about we look for Atlantis, I mean if the taxpayers are paying us to waste our time we might as well, I have a hunch it is off of Monte Carlo. You guys in?" George thought he would love to have that spear of destiny, the spear supposedly touched by Satan that killed Jesus. Man he thought if I had that thing I could get re-re-elected. "Yeah," George said," I am getting tired of looking for this boat anyway, I mean it's gotta be so big the way it carried all those animals, if it were out there we would have found it." Scott looked at him with great disdain and thought, it's the journey and not the ending that counts, it's the journey and not the ending that counts.
Rumsfeld walked into McClellan's office, " Hey Scotty, I just saw a program about the Ark of the Covenenant, they say it is still out there, can you imagine what a weapon like that could for our military?" Scotty laughed and replied," Yeah,.. Cheney really believes that crap too, he and Halliburton have spent millions looking for it, taxpayers millions." Rumsfeld was starting to get angry,"Jesus,.. doesn't anyone tell me anything." Bush had been hanging around the corner eavesdropping, he stared with awe at the images racing in his mind. He then cornered Rummy in the hall,"Hey DonnyBoy, you think we could get our hands on this thing?" Rummy looked at him in bewilderment,"You know about this, George?" Bush smirking with that stupid frat boy look said smugly,"Yeah, doesn't everybody?" "Godammit, know one tells me anything! Hell if you know why don't we go try and find this thing!" Bush smiled, this is gonna boost the hell out of my approval ratings, he thought.
After all the plans were made and rechecked, the plane landed in Darfour, it and Ethiopia were the last two known locations according to "legitimate archeologist." "W" was beat after watching all known DVD's of the Wonder Pets and Boo-Bah. "Hell, I sure like that darn turtle on Wonder Pets, he is a smart one figurin' out all those animal's problems." Cheney said,"I hate that god damned show, but for some reason I am strangely aroused by the Boo-Bah creatures. " Scott shook his head, he had brought King Kong to watch but no one was interested, he still had yet to see it. Cheney decided it was time for a pic-nic,"Christ am I starving, I could eat food from a store, that is how hungry I am." Rummy looked around and saw the masses of Darfour citizens starving to death around them laying everywhere, then turned to Cheney and pointed to all the corpses and said," You're starving, well when in Rome....". Rummy and Cheney had a good laugh at that, then afterwards there was an uncomfortable silence that was broken by Cheney clearing his throat and calling out to Scott and "W" to gather around the table and break bread. They sat at a table that had been flown in with a silk covering and fine silver, the first course had been prepared on Air Force One, caviar, Beluga was set down with fine bread for dipping. Cheney's face flushed, he was irritated. Bush asked"Gee Dick what's up? You look like some one crapped in your cereal." Cheney snapped back, "These damn flies are all over my food, but I know what to do about it." Dick then left the table and started for the crowd; which now was being held back by gun point from the soldiers protecting our heroes. He reached into the crowd and dragged a corpse of an elderly woman to the table, flopping her down next to his chair and sat down and smiled. Rummy asked,"What,.. you inviting a guest over for lunch?" then he laughed at how funny he thought that was. Cheney then pointed down to his food,"See, the flies are gone, they found a new place to eat." Bush was amazed at Cheney's brilliance and reached over to pull the woman's body by his chair too. Then Cheney with quick fury reached over and bitch slapped "W" right across the mouth. Bush wailed out in pain, his lip was starting to fatten up and a trickle of blood mixed with saliva hung on the newly made split in the lip. "Get your own corpse!" Cheney screamed,"You don't always have to copy what I do. Bush ran over to the crowd and grabbed a body. He flung it next to him and started to eat his lobster tail. Cheney looked over and laughed, "A child George? Damn you are gauche!" The treasure hunters all finished their meals and topped off the dining experience with chocolate covered truffles. When the champagne was finished they headed for the Land Rovers parked a short distance away with their guides.
One of the guides whom was horrified at the wanton display of gluttony , could not help himself. "With all due respect gentlemen but, would it have been too much to offer at least an ort to a few of the starving children?" Cheney responded quickly,"Yes, it would have." 'W" also put his sagelike wisdom into the mix," Young fella," he said with an arrogant sense of knowledge,"them kids ain't starvin', did you see how fat there bellies were?" Rummy also let the guide know that he wasn't like Cheney, he didn't want an angry guide leading the into some warlords trap,"I threw food to those people." Rumsfeld said defiantly. The guide then told Rummy that lobster shells and hand towels don't count, especially if the person is screaming go away you f#$king zombies to the people he his hitting with such lobster shells. Rummy looked over at Scott and said,"Hey, I tried."
The Land rovers drove well into the night as everyone tried to catch some shut-eye. Then with a lurch and a stop the vehicles shut off their engines. Cheney yawned and stretched his arms out and said this was a waste of time. When Rummy asked why, Cheney explained,"Hell, I don't believe in this thing either but Halliburton is misplacing a lot of money, about 9 billion a year of unaswerable destination so we have to make up something to show for our expenditures. We have this one, "The Ark Project," and also the "Spear Of Destiny," boy would I like to get my hands on that!" " There is also the search for Shangri-La, and not to mention the Fountain of Youth."Cheney went on to tell Rummy and the others that is how Halliburton is able to keep it's books balanced. "W" was not to be trifled with, he swaggered over to Cheney,"Listen, I know you are my boss," he said,"but I would love to have a crack at this, what if everyone is wrong and I am right?" Scott looked over and said "George, we have been saying stuff with conviction for years, how much of it has come true?" George swung around stared at Scott with beady eyes," I got a f#$king mandate, alright?" Scott dropped his head and stared at his shoes, "Alright."; he whispered.
Cheney told them to go ahead without him, he was going to stay back and watch Boo-Bah some more and try and figure out what was making him so aroused by this show, it was only when the little characters came out and danced, he knew that much. He pulled out his traveling DVD player and slapped in the disc, then grabbed his martini maker kit and settled in for some r&r. Bush and the others trekked the trail down to a cave where their was a priest guarding it, the guide said he could go no further. The priest was defiant, "You may only pass this impasse if you take my life, but if you do, then the Ark will destroy you." Rummy then turned and said to "W", " That's a chance I'll have to take. " He then swung around with his walking stick and clocked the elderly man across the head and knocked him to the ground, the three then ran inside and down the trail in the cave." They made it to the end of the cave after 45 minutes of slow descent, then at the bottom was a mysterious passage. Scott took the passage and wrote it down. "It is a clue," he said excitedly. "You mean like Blue's Clues?", George asked feverishly. Scott perplexed asked what Blue's Clues were. "W" went on to tell him of a magical show that allows the viewer to solve problems by looking for hidden clues throughout the show. "It's a great show but them riddles is hard, I always have to wait till the end for them to give me the answer."Bush stated. Scott then told Bush that yes if that is what Blue's Clues were like then this was similar to that. They took the translation back up to the guide whom had been giving the guard first aid to stop the bleeding, "Read this!" Bush demanded. The Guide read the statement to them translated in English,"It is not the end one should prize, but the journey." The guard upon hearing this decided to permanently abandon his post. He told the men," You mean this is what I get beat up for every couple of years? I never got to see it I was told instant death awaited me, for generations we have done the same thing over and over and now I find out it is all wrong." Bush laughed and thought thank god I will never have to feel that way. They all got back to the camp site, Cheney had passed out in a drunken stupor and the DVD player was sstill running with the strange little phallic shape creatures dancing to weird organ music. Scott looked over at the others and said," Hey about we look for Atlantis, I mean if the taxpayers are paying us to waste our time we might as well, I have a hunch it is off of Monte Carlo. You guys in?" George thought he would love to have that spear of destiny, the spear supposedly touched by Satan that killed Jesus. Man he thought if I had that thing I could get re-re-elected. "Yeah," George said," I am getting tired of looking for this boat anyway, I mean it's gotta be so big the way it carried all those animals, if it were out there we would have found it." Scott looked at him with great disdain and thought, it's the journey and not the ending that counts, it's the journey and not the ending that counts.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Ingraham finds her way
When she was young, other girls were making dates with boys, drinking Old Style beer, hanging out at bonfires and listening to rock and dance music. Not so with Laura, she was dressing up in her candy striper outfit, brushing her hair in a tight pony-tail and applying her Bonnie Belle lip gloss. Then, topping off her work ensemble she applied generous doses of Charlie perfume. She loved her job at the nursing home, it was a state ran facility, and it was not ran well. Laura Ingraham knew that parties and boys were o.k. for other girls, but not for her. A devout conformist, Ingraham knew that in order to function with ones demons it should be done in the shadows of life. It was not right how girls went around empowering themselves by asking boys out, driving their own cars and joining sports teams, she felt that these were the downfall of true womanhood, no, girls must be like her mother taught her to be, sweet on the surface. Appearances are everything, but what no one sees you do is your business, unless you are one of those homos and then there was no place for you she concluded. She waited outside on a sunny Saturday afternoon for the bus. When it arrived she boarded with caution, she wanted to claim a seat right away without having to sit with " those people."
"Those people" were o.k. enough for fighting our wars for us, and for cleaning our gyms and offices, but she longed for the old days. "I am not a racist," she thought," but this whole bussing thing is something they needed to fix, it was uncomfortable sitting next to one of "those men". Horrible thoughts always permeated her mind when she was near them, "I know someday, they will take me into the alley and rape me to death!" she shuddered as she tried not to let the fear overtake her. Meanwhile a young black man sat on the bus , his mind was racing, nervous about his promotion at work, he was hoping the guys would respect him enough to listen to him now that he was their supervisor . It is not easy , he thought, I have been friends with all of them for a few years and I don't want to be a bad boss, but I know business is business and if they are my friends they will understand that and make his transition smooth. He reaffirmed his doubts with calm thoughts about his qualifications and how hard he worked for this spot, night classes at the college, state tests, safety courses and extra hours filling in when no one else would. Laura Ingraham spotted the young man and knew instantly he was thinking of raping her, "I can see it in his eyes! He is staring out the window trying to act like I am not here, but when I get off at my stop he will probably jump me and drag me into the bushes. She stared at the man with a lot on his mind the whole bus ride. By the end of the ride she was sure of his sexual vendetta against white women, however she was greatly disappointed when he got off 2 stops earlier than hers,"He works at a construction company?" "Well I suppose they need janitors too." she hypothesized. The young man never once looked at her, quickly she assumed that he must have been gay, why else would not even look at her.
The bus stopped right in front of the nursing home, the bus driver told her to have a nice day, she ignored him. She knew about blue collar men and their lack of intelligence, and that all they do is drink beer, knock up their uneducated wives and watch football instead of going to church. The idea of such a cretin telling her to have a nice day was implausible, how dare he speak to me. She walked into the nursing home and the smell quickly overtook her, she loved this smell. Once the unique, malodious scent drifted up into her sinus cavities her heart started to race, and her face grew flush. It was the smell of death, defecation, and bleach, it was like a pheromone that caused confusing emotions to stir within. She walked down the hall and looked inside Jack O'Brians room. The once great right wing McCarthyist lay dying, his skin was ashen grey, he struggled for breath. Laura walked in, her mind let flow an opiate release of lusting thoughts for this man whom tried to destroy liberals in his day. She sat next to him and asked,"Jack do you remember me, your little Angel?" Jack then hacked up a blob of brown goo that shot out of his mouth like a comet with an elastic band attached. It snapped back on his chin. Laura Ingraham looked to see if anyone was about, they usually weren't. The place was so underfunded that it was basically a body bin. A place where people were sent to die. Ingraham loved that about this place, it gave her great power to do whatever she wanted. She looked at O'Brian with longing, not in a sexual way, it went deeper than that, it was idealistic. She wanted to hover over him and breathe his exhaled air. She slowly climbed over him and keeping her lips just far enough apart as not to touch, but close enough to inhale every exhaled breath he let loose. His gums were rotting and filled her mouth with a scent of rotting hamburger , curdled buttermilk and stale cigars. She felt his clammy skin beneath her and his cold sweat absorbed into her skin. This was heaven she thought, a moment like this was not man made, it was God's way of showing his love for her. Just then a nurse came in,"Laura, what the hell are you doing?" she asked in a tenative tone that revealed impatience over anger. "I was just checking his breathing," she said as she turned to the RN, the brown spittle that O'Brian had expectorated onto his chin was now running down her cheek. The RN told her to get moving and help bathe the residents over in Hallway C. Laura Ingraham smiled and thanked the nurse, she told Jack that she would be back later to see him, Jack lay there without response, he hadn't communicated in years and was diagnosed to be parially comatose, but Hearst had given him just enough money to lay in state and not receive proper treatment. Which later would be determined as a sort of karmic action by all that knew him, except Laura.
25 years later Ingraham thought of that beautiful moment shared between she and her Idol. She sat in the green room at the Today show on NBC. " What would Jack do? " she to herself as she scrambled to come out with an approach to the negative facts against her heroes , Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Bush plus Rove. Jack was able to drive a man to suicide, I know he would want me to follow in his path for my leaders. That was it! It was like a ray of light from god had engulfed her. She took her place across from Matt Laurer and told him that the press needs to go into all the areas of conflict in Iraq and report all the news, 80 dead journalist weren't enough. All the leftist journalist must die, this way there would never be bad press again on the Administration. It was brilliant she thought, humiliate the press with lies and false facts, humiliate them so much they would kill themselves from enemy fire in Iraq, she was flush again with that same erotic feeling she got from her breathing exercise with Jack O'Brian. After the appearance was over she patted herself on the back and gave a fond remembrance to the man that drove Don Hollenbeck to suicide, and with reflective thought she realized, the student hath surpassed the Master.
"Those people" were o.k. enough for fighting our wars for us, and for cleaning our gyms and offices, but she longed for the old days. "I am not a racist," she thought," but this whole bussing thing is something they needed to fix, it was uncomfortable sitting next to one of "those men". Horrible thoughts always permeated her mind when she was near them, "I know someday, they will take me into the alley and rape me to death!" she shuddered as she tried not to let the fear overtake her. Meanwhile a young black man sat on the bus , his mind was racing, nervous about his promotion at work, he was hoping the guys would respect him enough to listen to him now that he was their supervisor . It is not easy , he thought, I have been friends with all of them for a few years and I don't want to be a bad boss, but I know business is business and if they are my friends they will understand that and make his transition smooth. He reaffirmed his doubts with calm thoughts about his qualifications and how hard he worked for this spot, night classes at the college, state tests, safety courses and extra hours filling in when no one else would. Laura Ingraham spotted the young man and knew instantly he was thinking of raping her, "I can see it in his eyes! He is staring out the window trying to act like I am not here, but when I get off at my stop he will probably jump me and drag me into the bushes. She stared at the man with a lot on his mind the whole bus ride. By the end of the ride she was sure of his sexual vendetta against white women, however she was greatly disappointed when he got off 2 stops earlier than hers,"He works at a construction company?" "Well I suppose they need janitors too." she hypothesized. The young man never once looked at her, quickly she assumed that he must have been gay, why else would not even look at her.
The bus stopped right in front of the nursing home, the bus driver told her to have a nice day, she ignored him. She knew about blue collar men and their lack of intelligence, and that all they do is drink beer, knock up their uneducated wives and watch football instead of going to church. The idea of such a cretin telling her to have a nice day was implausible, how dare he speak to me. She walked into the nursing home and the smell quickly overtook her, she loved this smell. Once the unique, malodious scent drifted up into her sinus cavities her heart started to race, and her face grew flush. It was the smell of death, defecation, and bleach, it was like a pheromone that caused confusing emotions to stir within. She walked down the hall and looked inside Jack O'Brians room. The once great right wing McCarthyist lay dying, his skin was ashen grey, he struggled for breath. Laura walked in, her mind let flow an opiate release of lusting thoughts for this man whom tried to destroy liberals in his day. She sat next to him and asked,"Jack do you remember me, your little Angel?" Jack then hacked up a blob of brown goo that shot out of his mouth like a comet with an elastic band attached. It snapped back on his chin. Laura Ingraham looked to see if anyone was about, they usually weren't. The place was so underfunded that it was basically a body bin. A place where people were sent to die. Ingraham loved that about this place, it gave her great power to do whatever she wanted. She looked at O'Brian with longing, not in a sexual way, it went deeper than that, it was idealistic. She wanted to hover over him and breathe his exhaled air. She slowly climbed over him and keeping her lips just far enough apart as not to touch, but close enough to inhale every exhaled breath he let loose. His gums were rotting and filled her mouth with a scent of rotting hamburger , curdled buttermilk and stale cigars. She felt his clammy skin beneath her and his cold sweat absorbed into her skin. This was heaven she thought, a moment like this was not man made, it was God's way of showing his love for her. Just then a nurse came in,"Laura, what the hell are you doing?" she asked in a tenative tone that revealed impatience over anger. "I was just checking his breathing," she said as she turned to the RN, the brown spittle that O'Brian had expectorated onto his chin was now running down her cheek. The RN told her to get moving and help bathe the residents over in Hallway C. Laura Ingraham smiled and thanked the nurse, she told Jack that she would be back later to see him, Jack lay there without response, he hadn't communicated in years and was diagnosed to be parially comatose, but Hearst had given him just enough money to lay in state and not receive proper treatment. Which later would be determined as a sort of karmic action by all that knew him, except Laura.
25 years later Ingraham thought of that beautiful moment shared between she and her Idol. She sat in the green room at the Today show on NBC. " What would Jack do? " she to herself as she scrambled to come out with an approach to the negative facts against her heroes , Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Bush plus Rove. Jack was able to drive a man to suicide, I know he would want me to follow in his path for my leaders. That was it! It was like a ray of light from god had engulfed her. She took her place across from Matt Laurer and told him that the press needs to go into all the areas of conflict in Iraq and report all the news, 80 dead journalist weren't enough. All the leftist journalist must die, this way there would never be bad press again on the Administration. It was brilliant she thought, humiliate the press with lies and false facts, humiliate them so much they would kill themselves from enemy fire in Iraq, she was flush again with that same erotic feeling she got from her breathing exercise with Jack O'Brian. After the appearance was over she patted herself on the back and gave a fond remembrance to the man that drove Don Hollenbeck to suicide, and with reflective thought she realized, the student hath surpassed the Master.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Damage Control
The White House Staff watched the Bush press conference with the White House Press Corps in horror. Cheney called on his phone from his secret lair down tunnel 2 underneath the White House. Back in his lair, Cheney sat watching the debacle take place, on the walls of his secret office were black and white photos of all the women whom had rejected Cheney's advances . Scrawled in bright red lipstick on the photos was the word' bitch', the one on Jessica Simpson's photo was particularly sloppy, as if it had been written in a time of personal rage. Cheney stared at the monitor and called Rove,"We have to get out there and spin this mess right now, send Scott to see Larry King and the rest of the talk show ringmasters." Rove quickly put down his Flex muscle magazine that he had been engrossed in for hours and called Scott McClellan in. "Go see Larry, make it right, we will start a whisper campaign about Hillary, take the heat off George, got it?" Rove asked Scott. McClellan nodded his head in quiet compliance, he knew not to go against anything Karl said or else there would be rumors around Washington that he was a raging zooaphile, and Scott knew getting play was hard enough as it was without having Rove's pet boy Jeff Gannett spreading rumors that he was intimate with a burro or some other creature that Karl could dream up.
Scott drove up to Larry King's mansion in his Yugo which he still kept running with pride. It had been a gift to him from George Bush Senior when he helped open the Yugo factory in the former Yugoslavia. The Factory owners gave it to the president as a gift, he did not take a liking to the odd vehicle so he gave it to an up and coming up- start in the republican circles. Scott drove that car with pride, it gave him the warm comfort of better days, Junior only gave Scott a hard time and a horrible nick-name, Scotty Boy. God, how he hated that name. Scott walked up to the huge mansion after the valet took his keys with a smirk, "He has been expecting you.", the valet said with a slight grin. Scott knocked on the door, the huge red mahogany door swung open, and there he was the King of talk, standing in women's clothing. Larry was not dressed in sexy drag, it was an unusual ensemble that only Larry could have picked out. He had a black wig on with big yellow curlers in it, there was a lime green babushka wrapped around it, his beard stubble looked as though he had not shaved in 5 days, and a Virginia Slim cigarette hung out of the corner of his mouth. He stared at Scott through thick rimmed tortoise shell glasses reminiscent of Audrey Hepburns from the 60's movie"Wait until dark". His eyes had a strange yellow jaundiced look to them as he peered at Scott, he moved the rest of himself from behind the door, Scott was horrified to see the attire Larry was wearing, it was a lime green see through house coat, with big fuzzy slippers to match, he adorned a Jayne Mansfield bullet bra with newspaper stuffing that was falling out everywhere around the cup, but the worst was the lime green see through granny panties that King had pulled up so tight that the band ran just 4 inches from his bra. King, drinking a martini , spun around with his arms outstretched and said "Welcome to my humble abode, mi casa et su casa!" "Can I get you anything to drink?" McClellan politely declined the offer, then accidentally looked at Larry's nether region, he turned his head, vomited in his mouth, then tried to swallow the acidic bile back down. Larry knew what Scott had came for and told him he would gladly abide
McClellan dropped off the talking points and ran out of King's house as fast as his legs could carry him, the Valet laughed and handed Scott his keys, then said"You enjoy the show? Thank god you didn't catch him on Joane Crawford Night, he runs around naked with cold cream on his face screaming "No More Wire Hangers!", man talk about a bitch!" Scott thanked the valet and went on his way. He looked at his list of reporters to contact, oh man, he thought I have to see Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity, they do not pay me enough for this gig.
Driving over to Ann's house was never fun, she lived out in the country in the middle of nowhere, and her farm house was one of the most macabre places he had ever stepped foot into. He arrived at 9 p.m., an old vapor light hung by the dirt road that led up to the archaic house. The yard was riddled with broken down vehicles rusting away, a few refrigerators were cast about along with a cracked toilet and a stove that had started to oxidize on the surface. The house, about 120 years of age was showing signs of deep neglect, the wood slats were rotting and falling off of the structure, the roof had shingles curling everywhere and it was slanted at a strange lilt, with parts of the wraparound porch falling down. The stairs to the porch had long since collapsed and rotted away. Scott peered through a broken window, the drapes covered in mildew, were tattered and hung with a smell that permeated his senses causing him once again to vomit in his mouth, this time, since no one was around he was allowed the luxury to spit it on to the side of the house. Then a creaking door swung open, there stood Ann. "Why hello Scott!, I am so glad to have a visitor, I don't get them anymore, it is so good of you to come out here to keep me company, come inside." Ugghh, thought Scott, as he made his way up the rotting wooden slats that ran across where a great porch once stood. Then without warning his foot broke through the wood, the slat tore into his shin and ripped the shoe off of his foot, his foot landed into something soft, squishy, wet and indefinable. At that instant a myriad of horrors ran through his mind, was it a body, an animal, or something worse? He screamed at the pictures that raced through his mind, the pain from the wood tearing his flesh wide open was oblivious to his body as nightmarish imagery overtook his neurons. "What the hell is underneath this porch?" Scott squealed in a high pitch yell that hurt Ann's ears. "Just my garbage you dork, come on in." Scott looked into the hole in the porch as he removed his foot from the damaged area, relieved to see black Hefty bags piled underneath the substrate. "I don't have garbage removal out here so I have to store it until I can hire some one to take it to the dump." Ann said affectionately." The Mexicans that usually do it went back to Matamoros for the off season from their migrant work." As Scott walked into the house he gasped at the condition of the homestead, there was rotting food everywhere, garbage littered the floor at least 2 feet deep in some areas. Rats were abound feasting on a smorgasboard of left over food rotting on plates, where there weren't rats there were flies, so many they looked like black rags covering old dishes. Hundreds of glasses with rancid milk that had separated into a yellow sludge, decorated almost every hand rail, armchair and stair step. Scott looked over and asked,"Is that a bloated racoon over in the corner?" "No," said Ann humbly,"That was my Pom-A-Poo," it is a cross between a Pomeranian and a Poodle, but I think one of the rats bit him and I haven't the heart to throw him out yet." Scott said,"Listen Ann, I am just here to drop off Bush's talking points so that we can try another brainwashing on the public, I really have to go and see Hannity next."
"Please don't go" Ann begged, " I see so few people anymore, and I am desperately lonely, Even Bill O'Reiley stopped sleeping with me, will you make me feel like a woman?" Ann disrobed and flung her skeletal nakedness into a pile of trash and started rolling around in it frantically screaming "Take me, Take me!" Scott, who had been without since Mardi Gras entertained the thought for a split second then came to his senses, "Dear Christ," he thought,"How sad must my life be if I am going to take Bill O'Reiley's leftovers." He handed Miss Coulter her talking points then crept out of the house while she started to undulate on top of a mountain of half eaten Krispy Kreme doughnuts that were black with mold. With tears in her eyes and her face flush with embarrassment , she screamed at McClellan like a Harpy,"It's your loss you f#$kin' loser, you could have had the greatest, most satiating love of your life, but you choose to be the faggot you are, you're not a man, Rush did me next to the corpse of my father upstairs lying in the same bed, he's a man, not you!" Scott thought for a minute about Ann's father, a man whom companies paid to hire goons to assault the wives and children of striking union men, still upstairs lying in the same bed he died in. It was just not right for a great Republican like him, to end that way. He turned to a Ann who was sobbing with convulsion into an old napkin that had ketchup splattered on it, then gently whispering into her ear told her with great tenderness," I will only because I owe it to your father." She smiled through her tears, kicking away a rat that was about to bite Scott's wound and said, " These are the moments when the Angels envy humans."
Scott drove up to Larry King's mansion in his Yugo which he still kept running with pride. It had been a gift to him from George Bush Senior when he helped open the Yugo factory in the former Yugoslavia. The Factory owners gave it to the president as a gift, he did not take a liking to the odd vehicle so he gave it to an up and coming up- start in the republican circles. Scott drove that car with pride, it gave him the warm comfort of better days, Junior only gave Scott a hard time and a horrible nick-name, Scotty Boy. God, how he hated that name. Scott walked up to the huge mansion after the valet took his keys with a smirk, "He has been expecting you.", the valet said with a slight grin. Scott knocked on the door, the huge red mahogany door swung open, and there he was the King of talk, standing in women's clothing. Larry was not dressed in sexy drag, it was an unusual ensemble that only Larry could have picked out. He had a black wig on with big yellow curlers in it, there was a lime green babushka wrapped around it, his beard stubble looked as though he had not shaved in 5 days, and a Virginia Slim cigarette hung out of the corner of his mouth. He stared at Scott through thick rimmed tortoise shell glasses reminiscent of Audrey Hepburns from the 60's movie"Wait until dark". His eyes had a strange yellow jaundiced look to them as he peered at Scott, he moved the rest of himself from behind the door, Scott was horrified to see the attire Larry was wearing, it was a lime green see through house coat, with big fuzzy slippers to match, he adorned a Jayne Mansfield bullet bra with newspaper stuffing that was falling out everywhere around the cup, but the worst was the lime green see through granny panties that King had pulled up so tight that the band ran just 4 inches from his bra. King, drinking a martini , spun around with his arms outstretched and said "Welcome to my humble abode, mi casa et su casa!" "Can I get you anything to drink?" McClellan politely declined the offer, then accidentally looked at Larry's nether region, he turned his head, vomited in his mouth, then tried to swallow the acidic bile back down. Larry knew what Scott had came for and told him he would gladly abide
McClellan dropped off the talking points and ran out of King's house as fast as his legs could carry him, the Valet laughed and handed Scott his keys, then said"You enjoy the show? Thank god you didn't catch him on Joane Crawford Night, he runs around naked with cold cream on his face screaming "No More Wire Hangers!", man talk about a bitch!" Scott thanked the valet and went on his way. He looked at his list of reporters to contact, oh man, he thought I have to see Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity, they do not pay me enough for this gig.
Driving over to Ann's house was never fun, she lived out in the country in the middle of nowhere, and her farm house was one of the most macabre places he had ever stepped foot into. He arrived at 9 p.m., an old vapor light hung by the dirt road that led up to the archaic house. The yard was riddled with broken down vehicles rusting away, a few refrigerators were cast about along with a cracked toilet and a stove that had started to oxidize on the surface. The house, about 120 years of age was showing signs of deep neglect, the wood slats were rotting and falling off of the structure, the roof had shingles curling everywhere and it was slanted at a strange lilt, with parts of the wraparound porch falling down. The stairs to the porch had long since collapsed and rotted away. Scott peered through a broken window, the drapes covered in mildew, were tattered and hung with a smell that permeated his senses causing him once again to vomit in his mouth, this time, since no one was around he was allowed the luxury to spit it on to the side of the house. Then a creaking door swung open, there stood Ann. "Why hello Scott!, I am so glad to have a visitor, I don't get them anymore, it is so good of you to come out here to keep me company, come inside." Ugghh, thought Scott, as he made his way up the rotting wooden slats that ran across where a great porch once stood. Then without warning his foot broke through the wood, the slat tore into his shin and ripped the shoe off of his foot, his foot landed into something soft, squishy, wet and indefinable. At that instant a myriad of horrors ran through his mind, was it a body, an animal, or something worse? He screamed at the pictures that raced through his mind, the pain from the wood tearing his flesh wide open was oblivious to his body as nightmarish imagery overtook his neurons. "What the hell is underneath this porch?" Scott squealed in a high pitch yell that hurt Ann's ears. "Just my garbage you dork, come on in." Scott looked into the hole in the porch as he removed his foot from the damaged area, relieved to see black Hefty bags piled underneath the substrate. "I don't have garbage removal out here so I have to store it until I can hire some one to take it to the dump." Ann said affectionately." The Mexicans that usually do it went back to Matamoros for the off season from their migrant work." As Scott walked into the house he gasped at the condition of the homestead, there was rotting food everywhere, garbage littered the floor at least 2 feet deep in some areas. Rats were abound feasting on a smorgasboard of left over food rotting on plates, where there weren't rats there were flies, so many they looked like black rags covering old dishes. Hundreds of glasses with rancid milk that had separated into a yellow sludge, decorated almost every hand rail, armchair and stair step. Scott looked over and asked,"Is that a bloated racoon over in the corner?" "No," said Ann humbly,"That was my Pom-A-Poo," it is a cross between a Pomeranian and a Poodle, but I think one of the rats bit him and I haven't the heart to throw him out yet." Scott said,"Listen Ann, I am just here to drop off Bush's talking points so that we can try another brainwashing on the public, I really have to go and see Hannity next."
"Please don't go" Ann begged, " I see so few people anymore, and I am desperately lonely, Even Bill O'Reiley stopped sleeping with me, will you make me feel like a woman?" Ann disrobed and flung her skeletal nakedness into a pile of trash and started rolling around in it frantically screaming "Take me, Take me!" Scott, who had been without since Mardi Gras entertained the thought for a split second then came to his senses, "Dear Christ," he thought,"How sad must my life be if I am going to take Bill O'Reiley's leftovers." He handed Miss Coulter her talking points then crept out of the house while she started to undulate on top of a mountain of half eaten Krispy Kreme doughnuts that were black with mold. With tears in her eyes and her face flush with embarrassment , she screamed at McClellan like a Harpy,"It's your loss you f#$kin' loser, you could have had the greatest, most satiating love of your life, but you choose to be the faggot you are, you're not a man, Rush did me next to the corpse of my father upstairs lying in the same bed, he's a man, not you!" Scott thought for a minute about Ann's father, a man whom companies paid to hire goons to assault the wives and children of striking union men, still upstairs lying in the same bed he died in. It was just not right for a great Republican like him, to end that way. He turned to a Ann who was sobbing with convulsion into an old napkin that had ketchup splattered on it, then gently whispering into her ear told her with great tenderness," I will only because I owe it to your father." She smiled through her tears, kicking away a rat that was about to bite Scott's wound and said, " These are the moments when the Angels envy humans."
Friday, March 17, 2006
RNC Party feels Kerry's Vengeance
The rain fell hard on Saint Patty's Day. This is my day thought Kerry, a day of retribution. Kerry got on his knees and prayed to all the super saints of the Catholic doctrine,"Please let me have my revenge, if you won't help me Lieberman said he will hook me up with Madonna and her trend magic!" After his prayer Kerry got on the phone,"Hey Lieberman, did you get the stuff from Gore?" A soft whine came from the other end of the phone,"Yeessss, he gave it to me are you sure you want to go through with this?" "I'll pick you up in 15, stay put and don't back out on me you spineless weenie." "O.k." whined Lieberman, then he thought how did he always get himself involved with Kerry's and Gore's crazy schemes. Meanwhile back at the White House, George Bush was mad as a wet hornet. "These bastards want to censor me, I never talk dirty, it's that goddamned Clinton who started all this censoring fad with his talk of oral sex, he deserved to be censored, not me!" Rove just shook his head with the look of a young man who experiences an epiphany that the beautiful girl he is in love with is mentally challenged. "W, they want to censure you, not censor you, big difference." "Whoooo Hoo, man I feel better, what does censure mean?" Bush asked. Kerry raced over to Lieb's apt. When Lieberman came out he had a brown bottle of liquid, a can of Easy-Off oven cleaner and a rag. Kerry's face drew tight, "What the hell is the can of Easy-Off for?" Joe just decided to show him he sprayed the material into a rag, placed it over his face and started huffing,"Dear sweet Jesus, what a rush, this eases the pain of my existence, it is like getting retarded and falling back into my mothers womb." "Whatever, just keep that window open, I don't feel like burning my brain cells and crawling back into my mothers womb." "Now Albert told me that the RNC is having their annual fund raising slash orgy at Rush Limbaugh's house this year," Kerry said,"and all those f#$king Swift Boat veterans for hate will be there." Kerry told Joe. The car a discreet 1982 Delta 88 rolled through the streets of Washington. Kerry looked over at Lieberman, he was foaming at the mouth and his eyes were bulging twice their normal size, they were rolled up towards the heavens, Kerry thought this loser won't be any use to me. As the boat of a car turned the corner the door opened, Lieberman was pushed out and rolled like a limp rag doll up against the curb. Meanwhile back at Limbaugh's place the party was in full swing, Rush had been doing mass amounts of Oxy, and to keep awake he had been doing some Meth that Ann Coulter had brought. His blood pressure was through the roof, he was beet red and and his eyes looked like red street maps of Houston. He was screaming for Darin Kagin,"Darin!, Darin!, bitch bring me a Milwaukees Best beer!" Rush standing , clad only in his dingy white fruit of the looms, with the elastic breaking into little rubber bands around his rotund apron of a belly and a pair of black socks with holes in the toes explained that Milwaukees Best was the best beer in Milwaukee because the brewers said so. Ann Coulter was trying to open a Mike's Hard lemonade when her fingers broke, they snapped like balsa wood into a grotesque display that resembled a Calder sculpture. Just then McCain stepped in and offered his assistance,"You know I had to reset my own bones in Nam, I can fix those for you." Ann's pain turned to arousal,"Only if you make passionate love to me the way Daddy used to." McCain, surprised at Ann's advances told her that he might if she didn't look so much like the guys he was imprisoned with that died of starvation. Meanwhile, Dennis Haster was over at the buffet table gorging out in a non-stop feeding frenzy that would embarrass a shark, "You know," Haster told Frist,"They have banned me from all the chain cafeterias that have an all you can eat menu, Old Country Buffet, Luby's, and even the Chinese Buffets." Frist retorted with a laugh,"Well at least you have accomplished something this term." Frist then walked over to Darin Kagin and started putting his mad skills to work,"Darin, are you a chubby chaser? I mean god, of all people why Rush, he's a junkie, a lardass and not very bright." Darin then smiled,"He is also richer than god." Frist mumbled "whore ",under his breath and walked away. Kerry was outside the Limbaugh residence, he drove up in the brown 88 and quietly slipped out grabbing the secret bottle that Gore had gotten for him. He crept up quietly to a side window, the heavy rain provided perfect cover for him, he opened the window and slid inside the room with stealth and speed. Loud raucous laughter could be heard outside the door of the guest bedroom he had entered. He quietly surmised his surroundings and cracked the door, he peered out and saw all the Swift Boat Veterans for Treason standing in the hallway. They had Katherine Harris surrounded and were talking about the old days of Nam when they were gods and could smoke opium and rape teenagers, and shoot indiscriminate civilians for target practice. Harris was getting excited by the stories and told the men she would slip into something more comfortable and be back in a minute. Now was Kerry's chance, he took out his blow gun and dipped the darts into the brown liquid, then with steady unison he shot all the swifty's with the sodium pentathol dipped darts. Once he determined the drug had taken effect, he opened the door and walked over to the men. "So," Kerry said angrily,"Remember me?" The swifties then told him no. Puzzled, Kerry thought the drug he had administered would have control over his subjects. "Who are you guys?" Kerry asked. "We are the Swift Boat Veterans for truth, but actually I am just a bum Rove dug out of the gutter." " Rove found all of us that way, he told us he would keep us supplied with all the booze and drugs we wanted if we rehearsed all the material he gave us." The Swiftless ones explained. "Hell he even set us up with a trailer in a real trailer park to live in, what a guy!" Kerry now, had met his enemy and was disappointed, they were not the soldiers he thought they were, he could not propel his war upon a bunch of hapless drunks, what challenge would there be. Kerry now thought about Gores lecture to him, let it go, get over it. Gore was always a loser what did he know, Kerry then turned back towards the once homeless men and told them that Rove wanted all the people at this party to be beaten within an inch of their life and to scream out for respect to Rove while they did it. Kerry walked out of the house and could hear the screams and commotions and terror behind him. He laughed heartily and then saw Lieberman. "Hey Loserman what up?" Joe then in a whining tone that sounded like Kermit the frog with bipolar disorder said"I just talked to Gore, that wasn't Sodium Pentathol he gave you, it's not truth serum, it's P.C.P. He couldn't get anything else, so he figured you would be O.K. with that. Kerry astonished, then with reflection said ,"Jesus Christ, if we would have gotten pulled over, I would face life in prison for that, I guess the Super Saints were on my side. " Epilogue: "What do you mean that if the Democrats take control of the House again I will be Impeached, hell I don't even like peaches, they're fuzzy and give me the willies when I try to bite into them?' Bush said with an angry tone," Hey enough of this political mumbo jumbo, my most favorite show is on, Nick At Nite has a" Full House "marathon starting in about 10 minutes and I am so there. No interruptions not even if the sky is falling."
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Fox Lake Frolic
Scott McClellan took another beating by the White House press corp. He didn't know how long he could take it, the constant haranguing everyday was driving to the edge of pathos. " What will become of me after this term?", he thought to himself as he read his favorite escapist magazine"True Crime." Scotty always dreamed of being a gumshoe and gettin' all the dames and excitement in the role of antihero. Sadly he never saw that dream come to fruition. As all seemed lost, his future, his career, and his dignity.... An article popped jumped off the page like a fundamentalist in a charismatic church. "The Mystery of Capone's Missing Millions",the article went on to describe in great detail how Capone was building his own Fort Knox to finance the mob. It went on to say that the most probable place was in a sleepy little northern town an hour outside the city of Chicago for the lost treasure, and not where Geraldo had looked for it in the southside. Scotty was excited but decided to keep the news of
his discovery on the downlow, he knew if he could pull this off and find that money he could finance his future without worry. He had to keep it shady, yet still use the White House's resources to obtain his desire. " George,I think it would be good if we took a trip to Fox Lake Illinois." "Why the hell would we want to do that?" George exclaimed angrily for he hated being interrupted when viewing one of his favorite shows"Cailou". "Hey Scotty, I watch this show everyday on PBS, and I still can't figure out why that 4 year old kid is bald, is it cuz' he keeps gettin' lice?, or maybe cuz' his parents are brother and sister, you know they are Canadian." Bush said with an odd look of curiosity, his head was cocked to the side as he stared at the T.V. and pondered the situation. "Listen", Scotty said impatiently," Fox Lake loves you, it is filled with right wingers who haven't even begun to move out of the 1950's with their ideals, they are anti- union, they have almost zero minorities, and the town is almost all middle class, it would be a great opportunity for a photo op."
"Well, hell then Scotty, let's call the boys and fire up the chopper and go!"George said with a sudden look of happiness that Scott had not seen since Bush got his first season of "The Facts Of Life" on DVD. "Why do we have to bring Rove, Rummy, and Dick along?" Scott whined. "Well cuz' we all could use some good press, don't ya' think?" Bush said. McClellan looked astonished, my god he thought, this is the first time he has made sense since he decided to let his wife speak publicly. The chopper took off and away they went to see if they can raise their image, Rove was bitching the whole way,"That bitch Hillary, did any of you hear what she said after I attacked her?" "Yeah, Yeah." chuckled Rummy,"You want her, she is the only woman who has stirred you in that way, it's because she is so mannish!" Rove's face flushed with a crimson hue, embarrassed by the statement he turned his head down the rest of the flight and stayed silent. Scotty was dreaming of wealth and glory beyond all compare, "I will be king of my destiny!" he thought joyfully. "What the hell are you smiling about?" Cheney barked with a hiss," You thinking about the time your Mother lied to you and said you would amount to something? Wipe that grin off your face before I bitch slap it off you, you little weasel shit!" McClellan had to think fast, then he got on the phone and hired 3 clowns from Clown-co out of McHenry Il. to meet the helicopter at the park in Fox lake by the ball field. He then went back to Cheney and told him that they weren't going to Fox Lake for a photo op, there was a terrorist cell waiting in clown costumes to be interrogated when they landed. "They want to confess, but that they would only answer to the Vice President , oddly these clowns feel that you are in charge." That's because they are right!" Cheney said as he smiled so hard the corners of his mouth started to crack and split through the cotton mouth dryness. Unnerved by the smile and the small amount of blood that appeared like a razor cut on the corner of Cheney's lips, McClellan said"If you are going to torture these f#$kers, I don't want any part of it!" "That's o.k. candy ass, we weren't going to invite you anyway, Rove, Rummy and I will handle that, you just take George around and keep him busy, got it?" Cheney said with a deadpan look of emotional detatchment. "Jesus, he is already preparing mentally to ruin these poor clowns lives",Scott thought. The chopper landed at the park right on time and McClellan was whisked away with George while Cheney and the rest of unholy trio descended upon the unsuspecting birthday clowns. The three went right to work on the poor entertainers who were expecting a child from the "Make A Wish" foundation to be rolled out of the chopper, a lie skillfully told to them by McClellan. They were dragged off the field by Secret Sevicemen and thrown in to the Refreshment Stand, which was now being converted to a makeshift torture facility. "Get me some Goddamned Calliope music on a boom box with 120 decibel capability." shouted Cheney," I'll need some rubber hoses and car batteries with jumper cables and some metal grid, about 6 Ft. By 6ft. Rove drove into Fox Lake's premiere downtown section to the local hardware store to get supplies. Rove got the necessities for their information gathering party, when he spied a greasy spoon diner. "Oh, I sure could go for some chili cheese dogs," he said to himself. Once that thought had entered his brain nothing could satiate him until he had his fix. The diner was a nice little diner with stools next to the counter and 4 little tables next to the wall. Rove went in and placed his order for 7 chili cheese dogs and an extra large Tab. The bill came after Rove had gorged down his meal so ravenously that the other patrons were sickened by his display of dining habits. Rove, face covered with chili and mustard, it was also on his tie and white shirt. He had so much food on him that he looked like he had stopped, dropped and rolled into a pile of chili and cheese. Reaching for his wallet he realized he had spent the last of his money on the supplies and his credit card was in his briefcase on the chopper. "UH," excuse me," he whispered to the waitress working the counter,"but I have seemed to have lost my money." The waitress, a once good looking woman whose face bore the marks of a hard life and a hairstyle that stated,"I've given up and just don't care", looked angry. She bent across the counter and said"A big star like you comes in here and can't pay, what are you trying to pull?" "You recognize me?" Rove stated in a shocked tone. "Yeah, and I am glad that guy from Tool Time replaced you on the Family Feud, you sucked!" "No,No,No, you've got it all wrong, I work for the president, I'm Karl Rove!"Rove explained excitedly as two truckers were approaching him with fists clenched. The beating was horrible, Rove could barely see, and was disoriented but made it back to the car. When he got back he explained everything to Cheney. Dick laughed and said in between chuckles"I don't know what's worse, getting beaten by a couple of Neanderthals, or everyone thinking you are Louie Anderson?, Me, I'd have to say I would rather beaten within an inch of my life than be compared to that fat talentless hack!" Cheney then threw the grid on the ground and hooked up the car battery, he turned on the boom box to a deafening roar, the calliope music was ear shattering, then they threw the clowns on the grid barefoot and Cheney screamed,"Dance you low life clowns!" The clowns screamed in horrible anguish as they begged the three govt. Officials to stop the madness, one of the clowns yelled that he would tell them anything if they would disconnect the battery. Cheney laughed as the clowns hopped up and down to avoid the shocks on the floor, when they got near the unholy trio, they would beat the clowns with rubber hoses. Cheney laughed and said," Don't you find it funny that they are probably in the worst pain that they have ever experienced, yet they still are wearing smiles on their faces, god, that makes me laugh like a bastard!" Cheney then roared with laughter so hard his stomach was hurting. After about 20 minutes Cheney decided he had enough fun and turned of the juice, the clowns collapsed to the floor. Rove said that they didn't get any information out of them and that he had gone through all that trouble for nothing. Cheney barked again"Rove, you simpleton, these clowns weren't terrorist, McClellan made that story up so he could get away from us for awhile." "Geeeezzuss!" said Rummy, "Then why the hell did we do this?" Cheney was steaming now,"You guys suck, I show you a great time, we couldn't get away with this kind of fun in D.C., and here you are pissing and moaning!, I'm hurt that you don't understand me, and I was just bonding with you guys." "Wow, I am sorry Dick, I really did have fun!"Rove said endearingly. "Shut up suck-ass, I am just jacking with you, I would have tortured those clowns just for spite, but I got to admit, it did give me a much needed laugh." Cheney said with a smile. "Where the hell do you think that Bush and Scotty are?" Rummy said squinting through his glasses in wonderment. Meanwhile across town by the lake itself, Scotty told bush that he was to go by Grant High School and give a speech at the pep rally because it was Grant's birthday today, and that is where the camera were going to be. Bush exclaimed,"Pep Rally, alright!", "This is an area finally where I can show my expertise, you do know that I was a cheerleader, don't you?!!" Scott sighed and told George that is why he picked the venue, and he would raise his approval ratings with this appearance. George started doing cheers while running to the high school, I am gonna be cool again he thought and no one can take that away from me. Scott then took out his True Crime mag and perused thought the landmarks of the article to get a bead on where his treasure might be. He looked for the old Mineola Hotel, a Capone hideout, but that had been destroyed, it had been used by the Jaycees as a haunted house at Halloween before it was torn down. He then looked for several night clubs that were mentioned in the story, but none were to be found. Despondent, he walked for hours along roads twisting around the lake and looked at the old houses that were barely hanging on. Finally he saw an old man fishing on a pier. He walked towards him to inquire about the treasure, he slung his metal detector over his shoulder and approached the elderly man. "Hey, old timer, you know anything about the alleged Al Capone' treasure?" The old man hesitant, stepped towards him then in his assesment of Scott figured him to be harmless and soft. "Yep, there was a treasure here, but it's gone now, you see Al Capone wasn't a smart businessman, I think that could have been the V.D. that was rotting his brain, he was going to make this town a vacation hub for the rich people of Chicago, so he took a major part of his profits and silent partnered in a bunch of businesses up here." " He spent almost all his fortune on this town and many others around the Chain of Lakes, even up to Wisconsin. " "Now, like the money, those places are gone and so are those days, I tell you it was grand back here in the 30's and 40's." McClellan's jaw opened and he started getting angry. The old man continued"Yeah, but the people are the only treasure left in this place, now if you government boys, and I know who you are, I watch you in those briefings, were to actually try to help this area become great, you wouldn't be sorry, you won't find good, harder working people anywhere." McClellan looked at the man with his pride hurt, all he could think about was his future and having to get a real job someday, "Yeah," Scott said"Well it sounds like a personal problem!" He then reached out and pushed the old man off the pier and into the water , the man's body made a weird sploosh in the lake thick with algae, McClellan said" You are all on your own," then quickly walked away. Scott had wasted his time and resources trying to find his way out of the thing he belonged to the most. Walking back to the chopper he heard a couple of teens conversing outside a party store, "Aw man you should have been to the pep rally today this old pervert ran into the gym and started grabbing the cheerleaders and tried to do cheers with them, the gym teachers and coaches had to beat him off of the girls with wiffle bats, it was hilarious. " "Where is he now?", the second teen asked. "I heard they took him to Round Lake and put him in the mental bin, he kept saying he was the president, man was he whacked!" McClellan then sighed, and started laughing, it was a great day after all he thought.
his discovery on the downlow, he knew if he could pull this off and find that money he could finance his future without worry. He had to keep it shady, yet still use the White House's resources to obtain his desire. " George,I think it would be good if we took a trip to Fox Lake Illinois." "Why the hell would we want to do that?" George exclaimed angrily for he hated being interrupted when viewing one of his favorite shows"Cailou". "Hey Scotty, I watch this show everyday on PBS, and I still can't figure out why that 4 year old kid is bald, is it cuz' he keeps gettin' lice?, or maybe cuz' his parents are brother and sister, you know they are Canadian." Bush said with an odd look of curiosity, his head was cocked to the side as he stared at the T.V. and pondered the situation. "Listen", Scotty said impatiently," Fox Lake loves you, it is filled with right wingers who haven't even begun to move out of the 1950's with their ideals, they are anti- union, they have almost zero minorities, and the town is almost all middle class, it would be a great opportunity for a photo op."
"Well, hell then Scotty, let's call the boys and fire up the chopper and go!"George said with a sudden look of happiness that Scott had not seen since Bush got his first season of "The Facts Of Life" on DVD. "Why do we have to bring Rove, Rummy, and Dick along?" Scott whined. "Well cuz' we all could use some good press, don't ya' think?" Bush said. McClellan looked astonished, my god he thought, this is the first time he has made sense since he decided to let his wife speak publicly. The chopper took off and away they went to see if they can raise their image, Rove was bitching the whole way,"That bitch Hillary, did any of you hear what she said after I attacked her?" "Yeah, Yeah." chuckled Rummy,"You want her, she is the only woman who has stirred you in that way, it's because she is so mannish!" Rove's face flushed with a crimson hue, embarrassed by the statement he turned his head down the rest of the flight and stayed silent. Scotty was dreaming of wealth and glory beyond all compare, "I will be king of my destiny!" he thought joyfully. "What the hell are you smiling about?" Cheney barked with a hiss," You thinking about the time your Mother lied to you and said you would amount to something? Wipe that grin off your face before I bitch slap it off you, you little weasel shit!" McClellan had to think fast, then he got on the phone and hired 3 clowns from Clown-co out of McHenry Il. to meet the helicopter at the park in Fox lake by the ball field. He then went back to Cheney and told him that they weren't going to Fox Lake for a photo op, there was a terrorist cell waiting in clown costumes to be interrogated when they landed. "They want to confess, but that they would only answer to the Vice President , oddly these clowns feel that you are in charge." That's because they are right!" Cheney said as he smiled so hard the corners of his mouth started to crack and split through the cotton mouth dryness. Unnerved by the smile and the small amount of blood that appeared like a razor cut on the corner of Cheney's lips, McClellan said"If you are going to torture these f#$kers, I don't want any part of it!" "That's o.k. candy ass, we weren't going to invite you anyway, Rove, Rummy and I will handle that, you just take George around and keep him busy, got it?" Cheney said with a deadpan look of emotional detatchment. "Jesus, he is already preparing mentally to ruin these poor clowns lives",Scott thought. The chopper landed at the park right on time and McClellan was whisked away with George while Cheney and the rest of unholy trio descended upon the unsuspecting birthday clowns. The three went right to work on the poor entertainers who were expecting a child from the "Make A Wish" foundation to be rolled out of the chopper, a lie skillfully told to them by McClellan. They were dragged off the field by Secret Sevicemen and thrown in to the Refreshment Stand, which was now being converted to a makeshift torture facility. "Get me some Goddamned Calliope music on a boom box with 120 decibel capability." shouted Cheney," I'll need some rubber hoses and car batteries with jumper cables and some metal grid, about 6 Ft. By 6ft. Rove drove into Fox Lake's premiere downtown section to the local hardware store to get supplies. Rove got the necessities for their information gathering party, when he spied a greasy spoon diner. "Oh, I sure could go for some chili cheese dogs," he said to himself. Once that thought had entered his brain nothing could satiate him until he had his fix. The diner was a nice little diner with stools next to the counter and 4 little tables next to the wall. Rove went in and placed his order for 7 chili cheese dogs and an extra large Tab. The bill came after Rove had gorged down his meal so ravenously that the other patrons were sickened by his display of dining habits. Rove, face covered with chili and mustard, it was also on his tie and white shirt. He had so much food on him that he looked like he had stopped, dropped and rolled into a pile of chili and cheese. Reaching for his wallet he realized he had spent the last of his money on the supplies and his credit card was in his briefcase on the chopper. "UH," excuse me," he whispered to the waitress working the counter,"but I have seemed to have lost my money." The waitress, a once good looking woman whose face bore the marks of a hard life and a hairstyle that stated,"I've given up and just don't care", looked angry. She bent across the counter and said"A big star like you comes in here and can't pay, what are you trying to pull?" "You recognize me?" Rove stated in a shocked tone. "Yeah, and I am glad that guy from Tool Time replaced you on the Family Feud, you sucked!" "No,No,No, you've got it all wrong, I work for the president, I'm Karl Rove!"Rove explained excitedly as two truckers were approaching him with fists clenched. The beating was horrible, Rove could barely see, and was disoriented but made it back to the car. When he got back he explained everything to Cheney. Dick laughed and said in between chuckles"I don't know what's worse, getting beaten by a couple of Neanderthals, or everyone thinking you are Louie Anderson?, Me, I'd have to say I would rather beaten within an inch of my life than be compared to that fat talentless hack!" Cheney then threw the grid on the ground and hooked up the car battery, he turned on the boom box to a deafening roar, the calliope music was ear shattering, then they threw the clowns on the grid barefoot and Cheney screamed,"Dance you low life clowns!" The clowns screamed in horrible anguish as they begged the three govt. Officials to stop the madness, one of the clowns yelled that he would tell them anything if they would disconnect the battery. Cheney laughed as the clowns hopped up and down to avoid the shocks on the floor, when they got near the unholy trio, they would beat the clowns with rubber hoses. Cheney laughed and said," Don't you find it funny that they are probably in the worst pain that they have ever experienced, yet they still are wearing smiles on their faces, god, that makes me laugh like a bastard!" Cheney then roared with laughter so hard his stomach was hurting. After about 20 minutes Cheney decided he had enough fun and turned of the juice, the clowns collapsed to the floor. Rove said that they didn't get any information out of them and that he had gone through all that trouble for nothing. Cheney barked again"Rove, you simpleton, these clowns weren't terrorist, McClellan made that story up so he could get away from us for awhile." "Geeeezzuss!" said Rummy, "Then why the hell did we do this?" Cheney was steaming now,"You guys suck, I show you a great time, we couldn't get away with this kind of fun in D.C., and here you are pissing and moaning!, I'm hurt that you don't understand me, and I was just bonding with you guys." "Wow, I am sorry Dick, I really did have fun!"Rove said endearingly. "Shut up suck-ass, I am just jacking with you, I would have tortured those clowns just for spite, but I got to admit, it did give me a much needed laugh." Cheney said with a smile. "Where the hell do you think that Bush and Scotty are?" Rummy said squinting through his glasses in wonderment. Meanwhile across town by the lake itself, Scotty told bush that he was to go by Grant High School and give a speech at the pep rally because it was Grant's birthday today, and that is where the camera were going to be. Bush exclaimed,"Pep Rally, alright!", "This is an area finally where I can show my expertise, you do know that I was a cheerleader, don't you?!!" Scott sighed and told George that is why he picked the venue, and he would raise his approval ratings with this appearance. George started doing cheers while running to the high school, I am gonna be cool again he thought and no one can take that away from me. Scott then took out his True Crime mag and perused thought the landmarks of the article to get a bead on where his treasure might be. He looked for the old Mineola Hotel, a Capone hideout, but that had been destroyed, it had been used by the Jaycees as a haunted house at Halloween before it was torn down. He then looked for several night clubs that were mentioned in the story, but none were to be found. Despondent, he walked for hours along roads twisting around the lake and looked at the old houses that were barely hanging on. Finally he saw an old man fishing on a pier. He walked towards him to inquire about the treasure, he slung his metal detector over his shoulder and approached the elderly man. "Hey, old timer, you know anything about the alleged Al Capone' treasure?" The old man hesitant, stepped towards him then in his assesment of Scott figured him to be harmless and soft. "Yep, there was a treasure here, but it's gone now, you see Al Capone wasn't a smart businessman, I think that could have been the V.D. that was rotting his brain, he was going to make this town a vacation hub for the rich people of Chicago, so he took a major part of his profits and silent partnered in a bunch of businesses up here." " He spent almost all his fortune on this town and many others around the Chain of Lakes, even up to Wisconsin. " "Now, like the money, those places are gone and so are those days, I tell you it was grand back here in the 30's and 40's." McClellan's jaw opened and he started getting angry. The old man continued"Yeah, but the people are the only treasure left in this place, now if you government boys, and I know who you are, I watch you in those briefings, were to actually try to help this area become great, you wouldn't be sorry, you won't find good, harder working people anywhere." McClellan looked at the man with his pride hurt, all he could think about was his future and having to get a real job someday, "Yeah," Scott said"Well it sounds like a personal problem!" He then reached out and pushed the old man off the pier and into the water , the man's body made a weird sploosh in the lake thick with algae, McClellan said" You are all on your own," then quickly walked away. Scott had wasted his time and resources trying to find his way out of the thing he belonged to the most. Walking back to the chopper he heard a couple of teens conversing outside a party store, "Aw man you should have been to the pep rally today this old pervert ran into the gym and started grabbing the cheerleaders and tried to do cheers with them, the gym teachers and coaches had to beat him off of the girls with wiffle bats, it was hilarious. " "Where is he now?", the second teen asked. "I heard they took him to Round Lake and put him in the mental bin, he kept saying he was the president, man was he whacked!" McClellan then sighed, and started laughing, it was a great day after all he thought.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Bush's Fantasy Trip to Wichita Falls
Bush sat in the Oval Office playing on the computer, he had been surfing the web all morning looking for good jokes to tell and claim as his own. Laura sat in the next room once again reading her Bible and pondering about Lot. Her thoughts ran deep, " After the fall of Sodom and Gomorah, did Lot's daughters have sex with him because he was hot, or the only guy around and they didn't want to wait?" The question was torturing her and she was hoping that it was the latter, that way she could explain her marriage to George in a biblical sense. Dubya, then saw a profile of Cybil Shepard, he remembered the first time he saw her, he had gone awol from the national guard and it was 1972. After wandering around in a drunken stupor, he decided he could hide out in a theater and drink in private. The movie was"The Last Picture Show". The movie changed his life, he was bound and determined that he would move to Texas from Connecticut at that point. Bush dreamed of naked pool parties with the Wichita Falls country club kids and the orgies taking place at their parents houses like in the movie. He did eventually make it to Texas, but never to Wichita Falls. Now, as president he had the power to change all that. Dubya got on the phone, "We're headin' to Wichita Falls !" Scott McClellan looked over at one of the staffers and with hisl usual look of a defeated man whom has lost all self respect, "It's the goddamned 'Last Picture Show' fantasy again." Laura Bush overheard Dubyas phone calls and approached him with stern consternation,"You can go George, but you have to take Barbara with you!" Bush sighed ,"If I take Ma, she'll just mess up the whole adventure." "Too bad, if she doesn't go, you don't!" Laura said vehemently . Well, with all the plans in line the group headed off to Texas. "Now Scotty," Bush said whispering on the plane," I will need you to keep mother occupied, so me and Dick,Karl, and Rummy can go have some fun." McClellan was fuming, "Why the hell can't Condi cover this angle, I mean she doesn't do a damn thing anyway?" "You know how Ma feels about black people, plus she's not gay." Bush replied. McClellan stood in horror, his face drained of all color and his right leg started to shake uncontrollably. "You mean you want me to have sex with Barbara?, Oh my god , why don't you guys just f#%king shoot me now, I can't do anymore for you." Scott wept profusely as tears hot with shame burned his cheeks, his head flush and his stomach was churning. Bush then explained how bad it would be if those photos he had at Mardi Gras and the doctors report from that incident were to leak out to the press. The plane landed and Bush sent Barbara and Scott off to the nearest La Quinta hotel, then proceeded with Dick, Karl and Rummy to go to the country club to look for rich teenagers throwing wild parties. Scott and Barbara arrived at the hotel, nervously Scott insisted that he be able to drink, a lot.. before he had to do this unspeakable task. Barbara said that she wouldn't have even gone here with him if her husband had not started hanging out with that whoremonger Bill Clinton. "I know he's teaching my husband out to get hootchie mamas on the side under the guise of promoting charity."her voice was raspy and sinister. Barbara grabbed him and planted a big deep kiss, then violently shoved her tongue in his mouth, at that point Scott projectile vomited the half pint of Crown Royal he had just slammed 5 minutes before. Barbara covered with bile, clenched her fist and punched McClellan so hard he bit his tongue and passed out. She then got her clothes on and started out into the cool Texas night air to look for her son. The gang made it to the Wichita Falls country club and went inside, they were completely stymied once they stepped into the once regal now dated and out of style building. "Are you sure you got the right place?" Cheney said angrily, "This place looks and smells like the nursing home I abandoned my parents in!" There was nothing but elderly people playing cards and eating bland food, brought to them by teenagers who look like their last job was at Sonic Burger. "Jesus Christ!" Dubya yelled, " Where are all the wild teenagers like in that movie?" Just then an elderly women walked up to the gang, "Are you talking about the Last Picture Show? Why that lifestyle was here 56 years ago, before this became the Bible Belt. All that changed when the churches seized power in this town and took it away from the oil families, that was even before we had and Air Force Base. Rumsfeld looked puzzled, "You have an Air Force Base here?" The Lady went on to explain that she was one of the girls profiled in the movie during the pool sequence.
Rummy then said "I'm in let's go back to your place, you got a pool?" The woman then smiled with a coquettish look and said," You can take me to the Cactus motel, and I can relive my prom night if you don't mind the colostemy bag." Rummy then turned to the others and said " Losers! Ha Ha!" as he sped out the door with the 78 year old woman. Dubya was hot, then spied an attractive waitress, but Cheney examining the situation said," We are not slumming with commoners!" "Let's go!" Rove said anywhere there are bases there are military guys hanging out, and desperate women waiting to take them away from their miserable lives to glom on and see the world. The limo sped towards clubs surrounding the base, the only thing they could find were after hours bars and strip clubs. "Dammit, George we're f#$king rock stars in the conservative world, let's just go to SMU, take the 2 hour drive and get some Methodist sorority girls." "No way, this is my fantasy, and I am going to find a pool party!" Rove muttered, "Yeah just like when we were in Michigan and you had this great idea to get some Amish girls at a Barn party, look how that turned out!" They pulled up to the seedy strip club, the paint was peeling, the front window was cracked and duct taped to keep it from shattering further. The ground was littered with fast food wrappers, beer and wine bottles and even a few dirty diapers lay where some stripper changed her baby that was sleeping in old broken down 89 Cavalier. "Nice," Cheney said taking in the scenery," What the hell is next, take us to the place where that maniac chainsawed those kids?" "Burkburnett?, Oh that's about twenty minutes north of here." Bush replied coolly with self confidence implanted from the knowledge of his favorite film. Karl rebutted," That movie was bullshit, it never happened in Texas, it took place in Wisconsin, the farmers name was Ed Gein, and he didn't use a chainsaw, he used a hand saw, and lots of different knives. Bush with a hurt look on his face like he had just been sucker punched by Jesus yelled," Karl, you take that back right now!" Rove just looked at him and said",No, you moron, how many times do I have to tell you, just because it is a movie, or T.V. show doesn't mean that it happened in the real world, if you ever opened a book or read a paper you would know what I am saying is true!" Bush felt the red hot heat of redneck rightousness take over his body, "Don't you mess with Texas!"he said in his fake Texas twang. Rove said in a laugh that pierced Bush's ears with horrible disdain " You are a Northeastener, you only fake being a Texan because it allows you to act like a stupid redneck, which you are!" Just then Cheney yelled at Bush, " You're not going to take that from that sissy boy are ya'?" Bush jumped to Cheney's goading and began to pummel Rove in a whirlwind of uncontrollable hate and a flury of self doubt. Just as he started bitch slapping Rove, Cheney was laughing to himself, thinking,"Man, it doesn't get any better than this." Honks suddenly blurted from a a taxi pulling up, and a vomit soaked Barbara Bush jumped out and started kicking Rove while he lay covering himself up and screaming pleas of pain and sorrow. Cheney sat on the 89 Cavalier drinking a 40 of Colt 45 watching Barb land kicks to Karls head and George ripping off his shirt swaggering and flexing, yelling at Rove and taunting him with statements like"Who's the man?", and "Next time you'll step off bitch won't you!" Cheney reflected with mirth, "Good times,maybe..the best of times, yes!"
Rummy then said "I'm in let's go back to your place, you got a pool?" The woman then smiled with a coquettish look and said," You can take me to the Cactus motel, and I can relive my prom night if you don't mind the colostemy bag." Rummy then turned to the others and said " Losers! Ha Ha!" as he sped out the door with the 78 year old woman. Dubya was hot, then spied an attractive waitress, but Cheney examining the situation said," We are not slumming with commoners!" "Let's go!" Rove said anywhere there are bases there are military guys hanging out, and desperate women waiting to take them away from their miserable lives to glom on and see the world. The limo sped towards clubs surrounding the base, the only thing they could find were after hours bars and strip clubs. "Dammit, George we're f#$king rock stars in the conservative world, let's just go to SMU, take the 2 hour drive and get some Methodist sorority girls." "No way, this is my fantasy, and I am going to find a pool party!" Rove muttered, "Yeah just like when we were in Michigan and you had this great idea to get some Amish girls at a Barn party, look how that turned out!" They pulled up to the seedy strip club, the paint was peeling, the front window was cracked and duct taped to keep it from shattering further. The ground was littered with fast food wrappers, beer and wine bottles and even a few dirty diapers lay where some stripper changed her baby that was sleeping in old broken down 89 Cavalier. "Nice," Cheney said taking in the scenery," What the hell is next, take us to the place where that maniac chainsawed those kids?" "Burkburnett?, Oh that's about twenty minutes north of here." Bush replied coolly with self confidence implanted from the knowledge of his favorite film. Karl rebutted," That movie was bullshit, it never happened in Texas, it took place in Wisconsin, the farmers name was Ed Gein, and he didn't use a chainsaw, he used a hand saw, and lots of different knives. Bush with a hurt look on his face like he had just been sucker punched by Jesus yelled," Karl, you take that back right now!" Rove just looked at him and said",No, you moron, how many times do I have to tell you, just because it is a movie, or T.V. show doesn't mean that it happened in the real world, if you ever opened a book or read a paper you would know what I am saying is true!" Bush felt the red hot heat of redneck rightousness take over his body, "Don't you mess with Texas!"he said in his fake Texas twang. Rove said in a laugh that pierced Bush's ears with horrible disdain " You are a Northeastener, you only fake being a Texan because it allows you to act like a stupid redneck, which you are!" Just then Cheney yelled at Bush, " You're not going to take that from that sissy boy are ya'?" Bush jumped to Cheney's goading and began to pummel Rove in a whirlwind of uncontrollable hate and a flury of self doubt. Just as he started bitch slapping Rove, Cheney was laughing to himself, thinking,"Man, it doesn't get any better than this." Honks suddenly blurted from a a taxi pulling up, and a vomit soaked Barbara Bush jumped out and started kicking Rove while he lay covering himself up and screaming pleas of pain and sorrow. Cheney sat on the 89 Cavalier drinking a 40 of Colt 45 watching Barb land kicks to Karls head and George ripping off his shirt swaggering and flexing, yelling at Rove and taunting him with statements like"Who's the man?", and "Next time you'll step off bitch won't you!" Cheney reflected with mirth, "Good times,maybe..the best of times, yes!"
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