Bush Travels To India

Air Force One Left to India, aboard Bush was stocked up with reruns of "Dallas" and "Dukes of Hazzard" reruns to view. He stayed up the whole flight watching his two favorite shows. Cheney was in the back of the plane staring at photo stills of the female actresses in the Doodle-Bops and the girl dressed up as a clown from the "Big Comfy Couch". His hypnotic stare was most disturbing to his aide Master. Young Masters was a graduate of Bob Jones University and came highly recommended for his snitchiness and his ability to agree with everything that his superiors told him. Masters asked Cheney what he found so interesting in the photos stills from the two children's shows. "Well," Cheney replied indignantly, "if you must know I am attracted to these two women, but only in their costumes, and I am trying to figure a way to break them." Masters told him that he understood one hundred percent and who were these women that tried to bring joy to children without having any, it is suspicious. Bush's howls of laughter could be heard all throughout the plane as he kept yelling at the screen, "Boss Hogg you are so stupid!" The plane landed in India right on time in fact the crew found that they had plenty of time to kill. Cheney suggested that George go and see the sights and maybe even get a picture taken with some locals at a statue of Gonesha. George then asked who the hell Gonesha was, Cheney explained to him that he was the elephant man god that the savages prayed to, and that he liked to drink milk. "Wow, I am going to see the Elephant man drink milk!" Bush yelled in a joyous joyous rapture. Cheney explained that he and Masters were going to do a little government work for America . They said their goodbyes and went their separate ways. Cheney got a tut-tut, and he and Masters sped away. "Where are we going? " Masters asked sheepishly. Cheney said curling his lip with a smile that a wolverine has after it has devoured the warm intestines of its' prey,"It's a surprise!" Masters told Cheney he loves surprises. The tut-tut puttered slowly in to a section of town that made Masters fill with great unease. The buildings were filthy and the streets were strewn with garbage, human waste and what appeared to be the remnants of a once decaying corpse. A tall man dressed in a seersucker suit with a turban came out from the alley and motioned to the tut-tut to follow him. The two Americans got out and followed the man up to a room in the tenement. Squalor was everywhere as naked children covered in filth and flies dug through trash heaps looking for a morsel of food. Masters thought to himself, it is because these people don't believe in Jesus, that's why they live this way . God is punishing them for their failure to grovel to him. Nothing can be further from the truth in reality, but to some one like Masters this could never be explained to where he would understand it. So the thought gave him great comfort. As they went into the room there on the table was a suitcase, next to it was a dirty tin box with a picture of a Canadian Mountie on the cover of it. The box read Witleys Candies. Masters was puzzled by all of this, until Cheney asked if the stuff was good . The man assured that it was, Cheney skeptical, told the man in the turban to give his friend a taste. Masters then was grabbed by two men and tied to a chair his sleeve rolled back for him. "What in Gods' name are you doing to me?" he looked tearfully at his mentor and idol. Cheney said "We are going to buy a ton of this new designer drug and we have to see if it works. The man in the Turban opened the tin can and inside was a syringe that had seen better days. The syringe was filled with an orange liquid and was covered with dirty fingerprints and dried blood. The big man sunk the needle into Masters arm. Masters began to shake like an unbalanced washing machine, his jerky motions made Cheney laugh and laugh hard, then Masters screamed "Fire Ants are in my veins!" This made Cheney laugh hardest of all. Masters started talking to the wall and asked it why it was staring at him, then he explained to the men in the room that he would appreciate it if they would pick up their feathers from their wings and to quit scratching their big chicken legs on the floor. Cheney seeing this, told the man in the Turban, I will take all you have and we will ship it in through Haliburton. Cheney left with the exchange being made and grabbed Masters, whom at that time was hallucinating that Cheney was Frosty the snowman and was extremely worried for him that if they didn't get Frosty out of this heat that he will die. Masters broke away from Cheney screaming in a frenzy ,"We have to find your magic hat or you will surely die!" Masters ran into the crowd until he disappeared. Cheney didn't wait but thirty seconds to deduct that Masters was not coming back. He Jumped in the tut-tut and headed back to the plane. When he was on the plane he asked Bush how his trip had gone, Bush was extremely disappointed in the days travails. He told Cheney how bummed he was when he saw that the Elephant man was not the same guy he saw in the movie, the one about the freak. "Hell, I thought I was gonna see some freak drink a glass of milk, man am I bummed, it was just some weird statue that didn't mean a damn thing to me." Bush said with that weird stagger he walks with like he is trying to copy some western movie sheriff standing waiting for a shoot-out. Cheney then told Bush that Masters had gone all liberal on his ass and ran off to do charity work for the poor. Bush assured Cheney he could get him another aide that was just as good, then George got on the phone,"Gimme Bob Jones University." Now all was right with the world again, Bush thought, I am actually doing something presidential.